Reading: Anger Management part 2 (Slides)

Anger: Presentation 2

By Kristine Koetje-Balder

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER MYTH #1 - Since God is love and anger is the opposite of love, it is clear that God is against anger and that whenever we get angry we are sinning. Let's look at Psalm 106:40 which declares, "The Lord was angry with His people.” It is clear that the rebellion of His people caused the anger, but further reading shows that this is not the emotion of hate. The response is not of punishment but of discipline and correction. Yes, He did hand them over to their enemies. But then: "Many times He delivered them....He took note of their distress...He remembered His covenant and out of His great love He relented.” (vs. 43-45)  These are not acts of hate. Here we see God's anger arise out of love. It is a means whereby God communicates His character. It is intended to convey that discipline has its foundations in love.

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER FACT #1 - God is love, and one expression of God's love for us is that He created us in His image. Since God has emotions, we have emotions, including anger.  Our anger, like God's can be motivated by love.  Getting angry is not a sin. We can choose our expression of anger. God is glorified and we are healthier and happier when we choose to express the emotion of anger in healthy and constructive ways.

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER MYTH #2- If you don't look or sound angry, you don't have an anger problem. This myth assumes that whenever we experience the emotion of anger, we are probably aware of it and it can't help but reveal itself in some way.  Some individuals do have a difficult time hiding what they feel. Even a stranger can look at their face or listen to their voice and tell what is going on inside of them. But there are a lot of people for whom this is not the case; they are pretty good at hiding their emotions.

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER FACT #2 - Just because you don't look or feel angry, or because your spouse would not describe you as an angry person, does not mean you don't have a problem with anger.  Anyone who does not understand and appreciate the potential value of anger may have a problem with anger.  Anyone who hasn't developed healthy ways to express anger has a problem with anger.

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER MYTH #3 - Anger always leads to some form of violence, and therefore it is never good to be angry. This myth can often be believed if a spouse was raised in a family where anger and violence existed together. An alcohol issue for a parent can create this belief system. This could be from a father that would beat the mother or the children because the father was an alcoholic.

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER FACT #3 - Anger, for the most part, does not lead to violence or physical altercation. Healthy anger would not allow for this type of interaction, especially for the love of your life - your spouse - and the gift of your children.   

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER MYTH #4 - If I express anger to someone I love, it will destroy our relationship. Anger and love just don't mix.    

ANGER FACT #4 - By not being in touch with and communicating the root source of anger to your spouse, they are not allowed to understand your hurts and frustrations. If you are aware of the experience of anger and choose to express to your spouse in a healthy way, it can be used of God to increase mutual understanding and help strengthen and enrich the marriage relationship.

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER MYTH #5 - Spiritual people don't get angry.  Spiritual people love. Spiritual people are compassionate. Spiritual people are concerned.  Spiritual people can be discouraged. Spiritual people experience hurt, frustration, and fear. Spiritual people experience anger. Experiencing the emotion of anger has nothing to do with being naughty or nice, unspiritual or spiritual, immature or mature. But when we talk about how we choose to express the emotion of anger-----that's a different story.  We can be irresponsible and allow the emotion of anger to control us and express that anger in cruel and violent ways.  We can also be wise and not let the emotion of anger control us, but choose to express that anger in healthy and positive ways.

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER FACT #5 - Anger is a fact of life.  Everyone experiences anger. Smart people choose to understand their experience of anger. Healthy people choose to express anger in constructive ways.

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER MYTH #6 - The best way to deal with anger is to ignore it. If you ignore anger it will go away.

ANGER FACT #6 - To ignore anger is to bury it alive. At some time and in some way that buried or ignored emotion will express itself - physically, psychologically, or spiritually. In the short run it hinders us from dealing with the real issues, and in the long run it significantly increases the probability of developing real physical problems.

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER MYTH #7 - The best way to deal with anger is to stuff it. Expressing anger breeds even more anger and leads to loss of control.  When you stuff anger you are much more aware of it, but you consciously choose to sit on it, to keep it in, to hold it down, and you hope that nobody notices it. For whatever reason - fear of offending someone, fear of losing control, fear of looking bad - stuffing it and looking good appears to be the healthiest option.

ANGER FACT #7 - When in doubt about what to do with your experience of anger, don't stuff it.  Choose a healthy way to express your anger. Unhealthy expressions of anger breed even more anger.  They can be destructive and lead to loss of control. Healthy expressions of anger allow you to deal with the root issues and decrease anger. They are constructive and lead to greater control.

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

ANGER MYTH #8 - The best way to deal with anger is to dump it.  Just get all of that anger out of your system.  You and everyone else will be better for it. There is much evidence and research to suggest that dumping does not decrease anger, but it can freeze a hostile disposition.  People who are quick to express anger are often less self-controlled, less tolerant, and more inflexible than people who take the time to process what they are feeling an choose an appropriate response.

ANGER FACT #8 - When you are angry and you are in doubt about what you want to do, don't dump it.  Take time to understand your experience of anger and you will be better able to choose a healthy and constructive way to express it.  (Oliver and Oliver).

THE MYTHS OF ANGER VERSUS THE FACTS OF ANGER:

TREATMENT AND RESPONSES TO ANGER

David and Vera Mace, pioneers in the Marriage Enrichment movement outlined a way of coping with angry feelings that surface in almost every marriage.   When you feel angry, express your anger in words, stated calmly, and with love.  Use much the same tone as you would say, "I'm tired, or "I'm very tired. The Mace's developed an acronym (AREA) to help couples remember a better way of solving anger:

A is for admitting your anger to your spouse

R is the desire to restrain your anger and not let it get out of hand by blaming or belittling

E stands for explaining in a very calm manner why you are angry

A stands for action planning or doing something about the cause of the anger

TREATMENT AND RESPONSES TO ANGER

If anger is handled this way, using a calm approach to identify the cause of the anger and what can be done about it, couples usually find the anger was based on a misunderstanding or misinterpreted words or deeds. Couples may also find out that one partner was pushed beyond a level of tolerance. All these things can be solved if approached in a calm manner.

SCREENING ANGER 

Every day you will get many chances to become angry. For instance, a driver cuts in front of your car on the way to work. Someone criticizes you.  Another person does not return your call. All of these are anger invitations. You could accept every one, in which case you will be angry all of the time. The key is to ignore the less important invitations. You have to separate what is merely annoying from what is really serious. 

MORE PRACTICAL HELPS FOR HEALTHY ANGER

In her practical book, The Dance of Anger, Dr. Harriet Lerner lists twelve Do's and Don'ts of dealing with conflict

Do speak up when an issue is important to you.

Don't strike while the iron is hot.

Do take time to think about the problem and to clarify your position.

Don't use "below-the-belt” tactics.

Do speak in "I” language.

Don't make vague requests.

MORE PRACTICAL HELPS FOR HEALTHY ANGER

Do try to appreciate that fact that people are different.

Don't participate in intellectual arguments that go nowhere.

Do recognize that each person is responsible for his/her own behavior.

Don't tell another person what he or she thinks or feels or "should” think or feel.

Do try to avoid speaking through a third party.

Don't expect change to come from hit-and-run confrontations.