Anger: Presentation 3

By Kristine Koetje-Balder


ANGER INVENTORY

Please check the following statements that apply to you. Please note that everyone will recognize some of these characteristics as everyone will have some aspects of anger. 

The following inventory has been taken from the Anger Workbook and formulated by Les Carter, Ph.D. and Frank Minirth, M.D.

___ Impatience comes over me more frequently than I would like.

___ I nurture critical thoughts quite easily. 

___ When I am displeased with someone I may shut down any communication or withdraw.

___ I feel inwardly annoyed when family and friends do not comprehend my needs.

___ Tension mounts within me as I tackle a demanding task.

___ I feel frustrated when I see someone else having fewer struggles than I do.


ANGER INVENTORY

___ When facing an important event, I may obsessively ponder how I must manage it.

___ Sometimes I walk in another direction to avoid seeing someone I do not like.

___ When discussing a controversial topic, my tone of voice is likely to become persuasive.

___ I can accept a person who admits his or her mistakes, but I have a hard time accepting someone who refuses to admit his or her own weaknesses.

___ When I talk about my irritations I don't really want to hear an opposite point of view.

___ I do not easily forget when someone does me wrong.


ANGER INVENTORY

___ When someone confronts me from a misinformed position, I am thinking of my rebuttal as he or she speaks. 

___ Sometimes my discouragement makes me want to quit.

___ I can be quite aggressive in my business pursuits or even when playing a game just for fun.

___ I struggle emotionally with the things in life that are not fair.

___ Although I know it may not be right, I sometimes blame others for my problems.

___ When someone openly speaks ill of me, my natural response is to think of how I can defend myself.


ANGER INVENTORY

___ Sometimes I speak slanderously about a person, not really caring how it may harm his or her reputation.

___ I may act kindly on the outside while feeling frustrated on the inside.

___ Sarcasm is a trait I use in expressing humor.

___ When someone is clearly annoyed with me I too easily jump into the conflict.

___ At times I struggle with moods of depression or discouragement.

___ I have been known to take an "I don't care” attitude toward the needs of others.

___ When I am in an authority role, I may speak too sternly or insensitively. 


ANGER INVENTORY

Now go back through the inventory and count the number of statements you checked.  Everyone will recognize some of these characteristics, so don't worry about marking them. If you checked ten items, your anger is probably more constant than you might like. If you checked fifteen or more, you can probably recount many disappointments and irritations. This indicates that you are vulnerable to the extreme ill effects of anger: rage and explosions or to guilt, bitterness, and resentment. But don't give up! Anger can be managed if you apply some of the principles that we are speaking about. If you are interested in gaining a broader perspective of yourself, ask a close friend or family member to complete the inventory, answering the questions as he or she experiences relationship with you.


DEALING WITH ANGER TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE

Here are six steps for dealing with anger you feel towards your spouse. Most of these six steps should be in place before the anger comes, that way, when it appears, an agreed-upon plan can help calm and direct the discussion.


STEP ONE - Acknowledge the reality of anger.  Whether your anger is legitimate definitive anger or distorted anger, do not condemn yourself for experiencing anger. Recognize and admit it, remembering that the anger itself is not sinful.


DEALING WITH ANGER TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE

STEP TWO - Agree to acknowledge your anger to each other. Express clearly your feeling of anger when it arises; do not make your spouse guess based on your behavior.  Both you and your spouse deserve to know when the other is angry and what he or she is angry about.


STEP THREE - Agree that verbal or physical explosions against the other person are not appropriate responses to anger. Either kind of explosion will always make things worse. 


DEALING WITH ANGER TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE

STEP FOUR - Agree to seek an explanation before passing judgment.  Remember that your first impression is only tentative; at times it will be faulty. It is easy to misinterpret the words and actions of one's spouse, so seek your mate's perspective. He or she may supply valuable missing information that could change your understanding of the issue.


DEALING WITH ANGER TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE

STEP FIVE - Agree to seek a resolution. With more information from your spouse and the fuller perspective, you are ready to find a solution satisfactory to both of you. Resolving the angry feelings may require that you seek the person's confession and repentance - if the wrong doing is valid and definitive - or recognize your anger as invalid and perhaps selfish - if the anger is distorted. It may even require confession and asking of forgiveness on your part, if the wrongdoing is by you. Whatever the cause, work toward reconciliation between the two of you.


STEP SIX - Agree to affirm your love for each other.   After the anger is resolved, verbally declare your love for each other. (Chapman). 


MALE AND FEMALE DIFFERENCES FOR DIFFUSING ANGER AND INFUSING PEACE



SEVEN WAYS TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND'S ANGER

Be His Friend, Not His Mother. He does not need a mother; he needs a friend who will treat him, and insist on being treated by him, as an equal.  He needs a friend who will gladly share life's responsibilities with him but not live his life for him, someone who will encourage him in his problem solving, but not solve all of his problems for him.  As the wife, if you find yourself playing a mothering role to the man in your life, he will never fully deal with the causes and crisis of his anger.  The scared little boy will whine and fuss until you make it all better.  You can transition from mother to friend in his life by lovingly placing in his hands those responsibilities and problems that he should deal with.


SEVEN WAYS TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND'S ANGER

Appreciate Him; Don't Nag Him.   As the wife, it you become a wellspring of appreciation for the work that he does and the living he provides, you will lift some of the pressure from his life.  Find ways to say, "I appreciate that you work hard at our job and that you hang in there even when it's frustrating and tough.  I couldn't love you more if you owned the whole company.”

Affirm Him: Don't criticize Him.   Find ways to compliment him for the character qualities he displays and exercises in his job, with the family, and as your husband.  


SEVEN WAYS TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND'S ANGER

Give Him Space; Don't Crowd Him.  Pushing your man to solve his anger may cause him to make some cursory changes to get you off his back.  But pressure from you isn't likely to produce a lasting solution.  When you step back and give God room to work, the changes may be significant and enduring.  Show him that you're concerned about him and that you love him.  Let him know that you're available to listen to him and talk to him.  Then back off to pray.  Trust God to work for your man's good in the situation of anger.

Give Him Time; Don't Rush Him.  Change does not take place overnight.  It may take your husband weeks, months, or years to fully heal from the causes and results of the anger in his life.


SEVEN WAYS TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND'S ANGER

Hold Him Responsible: Don't be co-dependent. If your husband's anger gets him into trouble in any way, you are not responsible to cover for him or take the rap for him. Doing so only allows the problem to continue; it never stops the problem. Only when we allow someone to face the consequences of his behavior will he begin to see that he's responsible for making changes in the way he behaves.


SEVEN WAYS TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND'S ANGER

Give to Him: Don't Withhold from Him. If your husband is in the process of dealing with expressions of anger that have been hurtful to you in some way, you may be tempted to say something like, "Once you get your act together, then I'll start being the wife I should be.” You may feel like asking him to move out until he has better control of his temper. While there are a few occasions when a temporary separation may be necessary (such as when his uncontrolled anger is endangering you or the children), you can probably be more helpful to your man's healing by staying with him. Love, forgiveness, and acceptance are qualities to be given freely, not to be held hostage for ransom. He needs your friendship, not your judgment. God will use your openness, kindness, and willingness to go the second mile to aid in his healing. (Arterburn)


SEVEN WAYS TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH YOUR WIFE

Be sensitive to her needs. If you ask your wife what she needs and then listen carefully, she will reveal her needs to you. Then ask God to help you meet as many of those needs as you can.

Let your actions, as well as your words, show her respect. Don't sit in front of the television while she washes the dishes, picks up after the kids, gets them to bed, and then does three loads of laundry. She's more than a mommy, a maid, a cook, and a nurse. She's your partner. Besides, if Jesus could wash feet, you can wash dishes.


SEVEN WAYS TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH YOUR WIFE 

Pay attention to her when she talks to you. Put down the paper, mute the television, look her in the eyes, and respond in more than monosyllables.

Be considerate, and use gentle and kind words with your wife. You can deeply wound her spirit with harsh and discounting words when angry.  It's bad enough when this is done in private, but it's devastating when done in public.  Remember, a wounded heart finds it hard to give love.



SEVEN WAYS TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH YOUR WIFE 

Accept her feelings. You may not understand them, but you must respect them as real and genuine.  Never tell her, "You should not feel that way, Honey.”  When you say things like that, you're telling her that you think her feelings are stupid.  

Accept her as she is without comparing her to others.  When you criticize, you are saying: "I don't like you the way you are. Be different, or I won't love you.” On the other hand, if you show her that you love and accept her just the way she is, she may change simply because she feels free to do so. Regardless, you must allow her to be all she can be, not all you want her to be.


SEVEN WAYS TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH YOUR WIFE 

Be faithful and loyal, living up to her trust.  Unfaithfulness is the ultimate dishonor to your wife. Before God, commit yourself to being a faithful husband. Be faithful in your thoughts and actions. When you honor your wife, you honor your marriage. Hebrews 13:4 declares that marriage is valuable and precious to you.  Do you see your wife as valuable, precious, and worthy of honor and respect?  Remember - you promise? (Gillogly and Gillogly)


GOD'S PERSPECTIVE REGARDING ANGER IN YOUR MARRIAGE 

Anger has been given to us by God as the way to say, "That's not right and that matters.” In our broken world, you will have many good reasons to be angry. But, because we are part of the broken world, we express our anger at true wrongs in the wrong way. We blow up. We get irritated. We gossip. We complain. We hold a grudge. We shut people out. We get even. We become embittered, cynical, hostile.  


When we become angry, are we not taking God's place and judging others - and perhaps even judging God? God is running the world. When James 4 talks about anger, it goes on to discuss why it's wrong to judge and criticize others: "There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy.  But who are you to judge your neighbor?” (James 4:12)  


GOD'S PERSPECTIVE REGARDING ANGER IN YOUR MARRIAGE 

Think about when you get angry. Aren't you insisting, my will be done, my kingdom come. And when things don't go your way, don't you judge those (including God) who are not doing what you want, as if you were God?  You aren't, but when you are angry, you often act as if you were.  


Acting as if you are God - pride - is the beating heart of what it means to be a sinner. This insight into anger is hugely freeing, and very sobering.  ]Anger going wrong testifies to pride.  When you see yourself as a sinner - instead of focusing on how everyone around you is wrong - then God's grace and mercy is available to you.   God's mercy is for those who honestly confess their sins to Him and ask for the grace to change. That's how James 4 continues: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4;6; see 4:7-10 for more details of what's involved in turning to God.) Humility and anger cannot walk together.


GOD'S PERSPECTIVE REGARDING ANGER IN YOUR MARRIAGE 

Anger is merciless. Anger sees, punishes, and gets rid of all offenders. But God has chosen to be merciful to wrongdoers, including someone like you, who struggles with taking God's place in the world (Ephesians 2:1-5).

 

When you honestly confess your sins to God and ask Him to forgive you for Jesus' sake, you will receive forgiveness and the gift of God's Spirit. The Spirit will give you the power to express your anger, not your way, but God's way.  


GOD'S PERSPECTIVE REGARDING ANGER IN YOUR MARRIAGE 

With the gift of the Spirit, what matters to God will matter to you.  Being filled with the Spirit means that everything about you will start to resemble God. Instead of responding with sinful anger to unimportant things, you will start to see your life from God's perspective. You will begin to care about things that truly matter, instead of reacting to relatively unimportant things.

 

God's anger constructively engages what is wrong in a way that is patient, merciful, forgiving, and honest in tackling what needs tackling. Our sinful anger causes hurt, destruction, and alienation. Godly anger becomes an instrument in God's hands to make this bad world better and make marriages that set the standard for God's oneness in our lives as His children. 


HEALTHY ANGER - EIGHT CONCEPTS DEMONSTRATED WITHIN PEOPLE

They are flexible, using more than one anger style to deal with difficult situations.

They treat anger as a normal part of life.

They use anger as a signal that there are problems they need to address.

They take action when necessary, but only after they've carefully thought through the situation.

They express their anger in moderation, without losing control.

Their goal is to solve problems, not just express their feelings.

They state their anger clearly, in ways that others can understand, so that others can respond appropriately to their wants and needs.

Finally, they let go of their anger, rather than hang on to it once the problem is over 

(Potter-Efron and Potter-Efron)


PRAYER TO RELEASE ANGER

Please help me to dwell on the good and the positive in my life. I know that it is You who examines our hearts.  Search the inner depths of my heart and expose anything that is not of You so I can be set free of it.


Lord, where I have directed anger towards others in my life or held anger inside of me, I confess that as sin and ask You to forgive me and take all the anger away. Heal any wounds that I have inflicted, through my words and actions, in others and myself.  Help me to speak sweet words and healing, for I know that pleases You. Bring Your restoration to every situation where it is needed.


PRAYER TO RELEASE ANGER

Thank you, Lord, that You will redeem my soul in peace from the battle that is against me. I believe that You, the God of peace will crush the enemy under my feet. Help me to live righteously because I know there is a connection between obedience to Your ways and peace. Help me to depart from thoughts of anger and bouts with depression; help me to seek peace and actively pursue it. Thank you that You will take away all anger in me and keep me in perfect peace because my mind is fixed on You, Father. In Jesus' name, I pray. AMEN


PRAYER FOR RELEASE WHEN CAUGHT WITHIN THE BONDAGE OF UNHEALTHY ANGER

I also want to confess that I have allowed this wrong to consume me. I have become obsessed with my anger, my hurt, my disappointment, and my frustration. I've had a bitter spirit toward my spouse, sometimes toward You for allowing this to happen. I want to confess that this is wrong, and I want to thank you that Christ has paid my penalty.  I want to accept Your forgiveness for my wrong attitudes.  

 

I pray that Your Spirit will fill my heart and my mind, and help me to think Your thoughts and to do only those things that will be helpful in my situation. I don't want my life to be ruined because of what the other person has done to me, and I know that is not Your desire.  Guide me today as I read Your Word, as I seek the right kind of Christian friends, as I look for Christian books that will help me, as I see to put my life back in Your hands. I want to follow you. I want to accomplish your purposes.  Let this be a day of new beginnings for me.  In the name of Christ, my Savior and Lord.  Amen.


BIBLIOGRAPHY: Works Cited 

Arterburn, Stephen. 7 Ways to Help Your Husband with His Anger. 13 February 2016. http://www.growthtrac.com/help-your-husband-with-anger/#.VsPG89DWO1s.

Chapman, Gary. Anger: Handling A Powerful Emotion In A Healthy Way. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2007.

Gillogly, Harold and Bette Gillogly. Seven Ways to Love, Honor, and Cherish Your Wife. 2001-2016. http://www.lifeway.com/Article/marriage-relationship-To-love-honor-and-cherish.

Oliver, Gary J. and Carrie Oliver. Mad About Us. Bloomington: Bethany House Publishers , 2007.

Potter-Efron, Ronald T., and Patricia S. Potter-Efron. Letting Go Of Anger: The Eleven Most Common Anger Styles & What to Do About Them. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications, Inc, 2006.

Modifié le: mardi 7 août 2018, 10:24