Reading: Sweet Sacrifices: The Challenges of a Woman in Ministry

Editor's Note: This essay was a message originally delivered September 30, 2008, at an event sponsored by the Pendergraph Women's Ministry of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.

It is not easy to be a woman in ministry today, but when has it been? From Old Testament times when Abram communicated to Sarai God's command to leave their home and family, to the New Testament efforts of Timothy's grandmother and mother to train up in the Holy Scriptures this young pastor in the making, to whatever God has uniquely designed and called you to do in his kingdom advancement program, women have wondered out loud, "This is hard--much harder than I figured on. I wonder if I have what it takes."

Some of you may be married to seminary students. Some of you may be wives of men in ministry. Or you may be a student yourself. But we all have one thing in common--our femininity. I want to encourage you in your unique role as a woman. God made you a woman, and he delights in the varied and mysterious ways that your femininity reveals the image of God displayed for the world to see.

Think with me of all that God has done to bring you to this very moment in your life. God, in eternity past, chose you to be an active soldier in his mighty rescue operation for this needy world. The Bible says that long ago, before the very foundation of the world, God thought you up and chose you for his very own (Eph 1:4). Long ago, before you were even born, God formed and numbered the days of your life (Ps 139:16). Long ago God planned the path for your very own personal race in life (Heb 12:1). Long ago God decided and prepared good works that you would walk in (Eph

2:10). And then He stepped into time and made you in secret, knitting you together in your mother's womb (Ps 139:13,15) and brought you forth into his world and introduced himself to you with irresistible beauty and set you on this pilgrimage toward heaven, which we know as life. Learn to see the big picture of God's eternal purposes. Your calling as a woman deeply involved in ministry is a vital part of God's eternal plan.

I want to encourage you to ponder the sacrifices God is asking of you as a woman in ministry. Let's look at three particular challenges: your reputation, your romance, and your redemption.

Risking your Reputation

The first challenge of a woman in ministry is to choose to risk her reputation. Leaders are talked about. By virtue of his position, your husband will be the subject of many conversations. And some of that talk will find its way back to you. As women in ministry and as daughters of the King, we need to know how to deal with the inevitable rumors, criticism, and gossip that permeate even the Christian world today.

We all know that truth stabilizes relationships. That's why God forbids every kind of falsehood (Exod 20:16; Lev 19:11). He wants us to make truth, dignity, and honor the foundation of all our relationships. But we find this so hard--we are all liars by nature and live in a culture of lies. Paul had to tell the Colossians, "Do not lie to one another, seeing you have put off the old self " (Col 3:9). We all could tell stories of rumors, lies, half-truths, or even times when the truth was just withheld either about us or by us. And these lies ultimately poisoned relationships in our lives.

Your Own Tongue

Let's consider our own tongues, and then look at how to respond when others use their tongues against us. James 3 speaks of the tongue being such a small part of our body, yet revealing how well we control the rest. "If a man does not stumble in what he says . . . he is able to bridle his whole body . . . but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison" (Jas 3:2, 8).

We need God's help here as leaders in his work. Francis Schaeffer's wife, Edith, put it this way, "If a report is unnecessary and unkind, and might just be a little exaggerated in the retelling of it the next time, we'd better be silent about it. It is my tongue and your tongue that is likened to a bucking horse that is running away with its rider. It is my tongue and yours that is likened to the ship tossing on the waves with the rudder not properly in the hands of the expert" (Edith Schaeffer, Lifelines [Wheaton: Crossway, 1982], 189).

A rumor, any kind of gossip, indeed, any word we ever speak--once it is out of our mouths--is impossible to control or retrieve. Do you know the story of a young monk who went to his superior because he had sinned in how he spoke about someone? The young man was told to go and put feathers on the doorsteps of all those he spoken to about this matter. When he finished he came back to ask this superior what he should do now. To the young man's surprise, his superior instructed him go and retrieve every feather. In dismay, the young monk exclaimed, "I can't! By now those feathers have spread all over town." His superior nodded and said, "So also your words are now impossible to retrieve."

As leaders we must pray as David prayed in Psalm 141:3: "Set a guard over my mouth: keep watch over the door of my lips!" We must do all we can to see that honesty, kindness, and love govern the speech in our spheres of influence--in our cars, bedrooms, breakfast tables, phone conversations, and emails. Proverbs 16:24 says, "Gracious words are sweetness to the soul and health to the body." Do your words bring gracious healing and health to those who hear them?

Someone Else's Tongue

You may be thinking, "Jani, I can deal with my own tongue. It's the rumors and criticism that others spread about me and my loved ones that hurt so deeply." According to Prov 18:21, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue."

In the first place, live so that when someone says something false about you, others will have no reason to believe it. "Let your light so shine before men that they will see your good works and glorify your father in heaven" (Matt 5:16)

But even when you and your husband are living as best you can in faithful integrity, others may find ways to slander you. In one of our pastorates, during a very difficult time, a staff member resigned of his own accord, but came back a few months later and asked Ray to forgive him because he had spread lies about him in the church and community. Of course, Ray did forgive him, but the damage had already been done, and the young man made no effort to retrieve the slander he had sent out into our city. The winds of gossip had blown the feathers of his slander all over and they were irretrievable.

What do you do when others slander you or those you love? Go to others who have endured grievous criticism and evil slander. Saints like Susannah Wesley, Sarah Edwards, Amy Carmichael, and Charles Simeon are a few who have helped me.

Instead of wasting emotional energy defending or protecting ourselves, we must turn to God. The Bible says that love covers over an offense (Prov 17:9). And everyone in ministry will, at sometime, be called to love those who have offended them.

As God fulfills his promise of grace in us, we will feel so humbled in his saving love for us that we won't allow slander and criticism to derail us emotionally or spiritually. Humility--true humility--defuses rumors. To be truly humble means that I am shocked at nothing that someone might say about me, because if they knew me better they would have even more to talk about.

Not only will God's grace fill us with humility, but we will become so deeply secure in Christ, that his love and care for us will overrule our need for acceptance and honor this side of heaven. We will be able to withstand evil reports, or relentless scrutiny, or unfair criticism because our souls will learn to find rest in God alone (Ps 62:1). We will be able to embrace and fulfill his call to us in I Pet 3:9: "Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing."

And what is God's blessing? When God's purposes are all fulfilled and all wrongs finally righted, God will bear a true witness about his servants. When friends or students or family or church members slander, or even abandon you, you remain in good company. Think of Jeremiah, Paul, and other heroic people. Remember that God will have the last word about you--about your husband--and he will bear a true witness about your godly heart and your true worth.

So we must learn to control our tongues and to bear up under false accusations. "When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat" (I Cor 4:12-13). Jesus did. In fact, it was false witnesses whose testimony sentenced him to death (Matt 26:57-62). Even during his agony on the cross, he did not lash out. The Bible says that Jesus entrusted himself to him who judges rightly (I Pet 2:23). You can, too.

Refining your Romance

Some of you married never dreaming your husband would end up in the ministry. Others knew you were headed into ministry, but were unaware of the sweet sacrifices that you would need to make.

You are one of the main vehicles God uses to show your husband his favor. Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." It's as if God was thinking, "How can I help this man as I call him to serve Me? I know. I'll make ________ , introduce them, and ignite their hearts to yearn to be one. Then I'll use her as my main channel to show him my favor."

You have the unique privilege of knowing intimately a man seeking hard to gain knowledge of God and his Word, and then striving day after day, year after year to communicate all that God gives him to the people God brings into his life.

Some would not think this is so great a privilege. I heard of one ministry wife who said, "Clergy ought to be celibate because no decent rightminded man ought to have the effrontery to ask any woman to take on such a lousy job. It is thoroughly unchristian!"

It may be hard--but it is not lousy. It may be exhausting--but it is not indecent. It may even be painful-but it is not unchristian. Your marriage is God's gift to you. And it is a good and perfect gift. Your man and your ministry are part of Almighty God's eternal plan to redeem this place we call earth.

Your most important ministry in all of life is to your husband. God gave you to him as a helper. This is not a weak word. It is used of the Holy Spirit. A helper gives aid from a position of strength or wisdom or gifts or experience. You get to live up close with one of the leaders in God's kingdom advancing work. You have the honor of comforting him, counseling him, helping him in his weaknesses, and seeing him live out at home what he preaches up front. You get to attend to the affairs of the kingdom with him--teaching, giving, showing hospitality, being there in the greatest joys and deepest sorrows of life as you help him shepherd the sheep God has given him. What a blessed privilege!

Ministry marriages bear unique strains. Here are two ways you can be a helper to your husband.

Respect Your Husband's Work

Show him appreciation and loyalty. Men in ministry are always under fire. Their sacred calling exposes them to unique temptations from which other men are exempt. For this reason, your husband needs to know you think he is really wonderful. Speak well of him to friends and family. Praise him in front of your kids. H. G. Hendricks tells how his wife was instrumental in setting a positive tone in their home when ministry demands were very heavy. On the way to the airport to drop her husband off for yet another weekend of ministry, Mrs. Hendricks would say, "Isn't it great we get to share Daddy?"

Is your husband late for dinner again while he is caring for the needs of his flock? Your kids can see you have one of two responses. "Poor Daddy. He must be hungry and tired, but someone needs Jesus, and Daddy gets to bring Jesus to them. Let's pray for him right now." Or--"Poor us! We have to eat dinner without Daddy again. Why can't he make it home on time?" Be loyal to your man. Don't broadcast your frustrations and disappointments. Let him feel safe with you.

Accept him. Men interpret advice as lack of approval. And he'll get plenty of advice from others--co-workers, congregants, family. He needs to know you are on his side--that he's not alone. Let others try to improve him. In your eyes he needs to be OK. He is most likely all too aware of his own shortcomings, anyway.

I am a fixer by nature. And besides that, people have tried to get to Ray through me, especially women. "Please tell Ray how much I . . ." And somehow, I would try--whether it was what side of his jacket he should put his name tag on, or how to pronounce a missionary's name, I tried to correct him. Finally, he came to me, took me in his arms, and said, "I need to know there is one person in this world who isn't trying to change me-who really likes me. Would you be willing to be that person for me?" Boy was I! I didn't want anyone else stepping up to apply for that position!

Teach Him How to Love You

Emotionally

We all face struggles this side of heaven. And when we're going through a hard time, our tendency is to withdraw. How often has this conversation gone on in your house?:

"IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?" 

"NO!" 

"REALLY?" 

"YES, I'M JUST FINE!"

The reason we tend to withdraw is not because we don't want comfort. We just don't want the kind of comfort we've been offered in the past.Generally, men comfort with words. If they can reason out why something happened, then it's OK. If he can solve it logically, it won't happen again.

Women often need gestures--hugs, flowers, help with the kids. You need to teach your husband how to comfort you. Think of the old romantic movies--she always has the right thing to say, he always knows what to do. Well, she has a script--and he has a director, telling him how to hold her. Be your husband's director!

Have you ever been angry at your husband and couldn't figure out how to tell him but just kept getting more and more angry as it became more apparent that he couldn't see what was bothering you? You must take the time and effort to communicate with your husband. He is not a mind reader!

If you don't, you'll be stuck with at least two negatives: (1) He will probably never learn, and then you'll turn to other sources for comfort--your mom, friends, food, escapist novels, films, etc. (2) Your sons will never see up close how a man can comfort his wife, and your daughters will never learn how to communicate their needs in palatable ways to the man of their dreams.

Help your man learn to meet your emotional needs--for your own benefit and for that of the next generation.

Physically

I believe your husband's strongest safeguard against adultery is a fun and satisfying relationship with his wife. We as Christian leaders should have the happiest, most romantic and deeply satisfying marriages in all of society.

God's Word is unashamedly pro-romance. Think of all the love stories in it: Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, Ruth and Boaz, and others. Think of the biblical passages that are erotic (e.g., Song of Solomon, Prov 5:15-19). He made us male and female as part of his "very good" creation.

God celebrates love and sex in marriage. He values our sexuality and calls for us to enjoy this beautiful gift within the security of marital commitment. We must love our mates with all we have. Happily married women know that having a husband does not make a marriage any more than having a piano makes a musician! It is not just having a husband, but loving him that makes you live in unity with him.

What will your husband become because he married you? Are you helping him to be a one-woman man? There are many forces out there that would want to divide you and your husband. A strong, romantic, happy marriage is a sure defense against most of the evil forces that want to see your man defeated (1 Cor 7:5).

The Bible talks much about sexual intimacy. God wants you to refine your romance. You are the only legal and God-blessed source of sexual fulfillment that your husband will ever have, if he follows the Lord carefully. Give him the joy and pleasure that he can only experience within the security of a godly marriage. Proverbs 5 tells your husband to be intoxicated or captivated by your love. Are you doing all you can to be as captivating as possible?

If the physical side of your marriage doesn't become all it can be, your marriage can still survive. Sex isn't everything. But your marriage will have a soft spot, a vulnerable side where Satan can attack. To have a great marriage will cost you something--anything of value is valuable because it costs something! Cultivate a deep intimacy with your husband that binds his heart to yours. This will take time, creativity, and initiative. But I promise you, it will be worth it!

Think of the blessings of marriage. You have been chosen by someone, and you have had the chance to choose someone for yourself. You enter into a relationship of trust and comfort and joy. You belong somewhere and with someone. You live out your own shared history. Marriage makes two people what they could never be alone. Refine your romance. It will be worth every effort.

Yet in the midst of these blessings we will face real disappointments: financial restraints, personal and even slanderous attacks, spiritual malaise, conflicts with extended family, less than thrilling times of intimacy, his inability to anticipate or even understand your needs.

Your marriage has to be an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. That leads me into my final point--the third challenge for women in ministry.

Relishing your Redemption

All behavior is rooted in what we believe. Either I believe that Jesus is enough, or I believe that Jesus is not enough and that I must somehow fill the void.

There is more to being a Christian than asking Jesus into my heart. Belief in his goodness and watch-care and love for me will have its full effect when I feel loved and cared for.

For instance, if I say I believe that God cares about me and is sovereign over my whole life in mercy and love, yet I am held captive by various fears, I don't really believe that God is good! My belief in his sovereign control is only an intellectual concept, not a heart-felt belief.

When I stop trusting God, I start forging my own way, and then I become very dangerous. After all, the devils believe in God (Jas 2:19). But they don't love God--and that's the difference. Our hearts need to be thrilled with God's redeeming love. It is this love that redeems our lives from the pit.

So when we're stung, or set back, or even disabled, because of gossip and rumor, we come to the God who redeems all of our lives--not just at the point of conversion--but all along the way, as we stumble toward heaven in our weaknesses. And we find in Jesus a sympathetic high priest who was brutally tortured and murdered because men brought false reports about him to the religious officials. At the cross Jesus absorbed those lies-and every lie or rumor concerning you--and in turn he was gentle and meek and gave back love as he entrusted himself to His Father. And he says, "Follow me--take up your cross and entrust yourself to my Father. It's going to be all right. You serve the God who remembers (Heb 6:10). Your labor for him is never in vain (1 Cor 15:58)."

And when your heart is tempted to be soured with the inevitable disappointments of living as one flesh with another human being, look ahead to your heavenly Husband, the lover of your soul, who loves you completely even as you are. He is your redeemer--he paid the greatest bride-price imaginable to capture your heart and bring you to himself.

Your femininity is most beautiful, most nurturing, graceful, other-centered, when you know you are loved. Let God make you, through his tender and personal love, the beautiful woman he intends you to be.

The most helpful way we can support and help the men God brings into our lives--our husbands, sons, grandsons, pastors, teachers, and employers--is to find our happy fulfillment in Christ. If God's redeeming love is truly filling your heart, then God himself will be the ultimate human experience, not a perfect ministry, reputation, or marriage. Psalm 62:1 says, "My soul finds rest in God alone."

How does God's redeeming love fill our hearts in such a way that we can live outside our own needs, dying to self, and giving ourselves totally to his eternal purposes? One way--I believe the most important way--is to spend time daily with our Redeemer. If we are not feeding our souls with eternal food (cf. Ps 36:7-9), our souls will shrivel for lack of nourishment.

Think of all we feed our bodies and souls with. Think of all the time you spent last week on meal preparation, eating, reading the newspaper, surfing the Internet, exercising, watching TV. Compare that to the time you spent in nearness to God. It's not easy, is it? There is so much to do in life. But in order to support our husbands well, we need to be supported ourselves, with an internal and eternal support. We need daily refreshment and encouragement. We need to fix our eyes on Jesus in all of life's circumstances. We need to go deep into his Word in meditation and study and prayer. We need to feast and drink from him.

God's Precious Love

HOW PRECIOUS IS YOUR STEADFAST LOVE, O GOD! THE CHILDREN OF MANKIND TAKE REFUGE IN THE SHADOW OF YOUR WINGS. THEY FEAST ON THE ABUNDANCE OF YOUR HOUSE AND YOU GIVE THEM DRINK FROM THE RIVER OF YOUR DELIGHTS. FOR WITH YOU IS THE FOUNTAIN OF LIFE; IN YOUR LIGHT DO WE SEE LIGHT (PS 36:7-9).

What things are precious to you these days? Is God's love precious to you? Maybe you feel far from God's love these days. I wonder what David was thinking when he chose that adjective--precious--to describe God's love? Why did David use that particular adjective? Well, think of how it is used throughout Scripture. What else is described as precious in the Bible? How can we understand the value of God's love through this little word?

God's love is precious like the cherished reunion between the Lord and His saints when one of them crosses that bridge between life here on earth and eternity: "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints" (Ps 116:15). His love is precious like the value of an exceptional wife, the crowning jewel of a life-long romance: "An excellent wife, who can find? She is far more precious than jewels" (Prov 31:10). His love is precious like the costly ransom paid for your shortcomings before a holy God through the death of his only Son: " . . . knowing that you were ransomed . . . not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot" (1 Pet 1:19).

God's Steadfast Love

God's love is steadfast. What does that mean? It means that God's precious love is constant and steady--it can be depended upon. It is unfailing. His love never falters. He sets his love upon us with clear, unchangeable intent.

We can count on God's love. Human love is very fragile--many of us know that from personal experience. Some of us have been deeply hurt by people we thought we could love and trust, but who in the end proved unfaithful. But God's love will never falter or waver.

"THE STEADFAST LOVE OF THE LORD ENDURES FOREVER" (PS 100:5). 

"THE STEADFAST LOVE OF THE LORD NEVER CEASES; HIS MERCIES NEVER COME TO AN END; THEY ARE NEW EVERY MORNING; GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS" (LAM 3:22; THIS IS FROM JEREMIAH, "THE WEEPING PROPHET").

And God stands ready to bestow this generous love on us as we turn to him: "Return to the Lord, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love" (Joel 2:13).

What do you abound in? Complaints? Fatigue? Fears? Homework? Laundry? "The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love" (Ps 147:11). Hoping in this strong steadfast love pleases God.

God's Safe Love

"The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings" (Ps 36:7).

Life can be scary. We have all seen how quickly thousands of lives can be changed forever in the wake of a violent storm, a school shooting, or a seven billion dollar financial bailout. But there is a place where those who know God, through Christ, can find shelter and relief from anything that this world assaults them with, a place where God's precious, steadfast love is abundant.

Where is that place? David describes it as "in the shadow of God's wings." To be under the shadow of someone's wings means nearness. To be under a wing means you are near the heart. There is a sanctuary that God opens up to anyone who dares to draw near to him. There God offers you and me a love that will not let us go. He offers your soul eternal love, and nothing can ever wrench you out of his loving embrace.

In the New Testament, Paul puts it this way: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? . . . For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom 8:35-39).

It's as if Paul is saying, "Imagine the worst scenario possible. Do you think God's love can remain credible even there?" What God wants us to see through his holy Word is that our lives are a love story. Our sufferings do not define us; the precious, steadfast love of God defines us. Your redemption is the most beautiful love story ever told. Relish it.

We are engaged to Christ now. Our earthly death will be our wedding day. He is courting us now, winning our hearts through His precious steadfast love.

God has never promised us a life free from suffering. My husband, Ray, puts it this way: "Look for his love where he himself has promised it. Nothing can ever separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. And what is his love? To make us more like Christ, and to prepare us to live forever with Christ. That is the love of God, from which nothing can ever separate us."

Conclusion

We have been looking at some of the challenges that we face as women in ministry. We have been talking about heart issues--our reputations, our romances, our redemption. God wants us to look even more deeply into our hearts. God made the human heart. He created your heart for worship. Worship is more than going to church or singing hymns or praying. To worship means to give your heart away to something.

He is calling you and me in love to give our hearts away to Him. His love is something He delights to bestow upon us through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross. You see, we often come to God thinking we're making a covenant with Him. No, your salvation is much larger than that. Within the Triune Godhead, God made a decision with Christ about you, about me. Christ effected it on the cross, and the Holy Spirit sealed it with His indwelling Presence.

Choose to keep your heart open to Christ. Feast on the abundance of His house and drink from the river of His delights. He knows you best and loves you most. A woman is most beautiful when she knows she is loved. Let the precious, steadfast, safe love of God flood your life with a deep beauty and a new spiritual radiance.

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