In your development as a small group leader, it is important to develop a concept as to what your ministry can become, what you can become in leading a group of people. We have not yet talked about conducting the actual meeting. That's for a later series. 

What we're doing now is we're focusing on getting people there for the meeting. We've assumed that you have, first of all, found someone to report to so they will take your ministry report, and your ministry will be a legitimate one within the context of your church's organization. And we have also assumed, secondly, that you have been instructed to recruit a nucleus for your group, a person who can assist you and a person who can replace you as soon as they have learned what you're going to be teaching them as a leader in training.

Now during this session, we want to look at the process of inviting the people to the group so that you can conduct the meeting as you gather them together. You don't have to do this by yourself if you've gathered together a nucleus. Because you, your apprentice and your assistant can sit together and you can brainstorm who you can invite to the meeting. Now because we're dealing with a small group, let's think about the math just for a moment. You're going to shoot for 10 people in your meeting. Your nucleus is three people. If you each successfully invite two more people, six and three is nine. Now if you just stumble across one more, you've got the 10 you're looking for. 

So one of the secrets in having a nucleus and starting with it, is you’re a third of the way to your goal with the nucleus itself. And you can pretty well assure their participation. But now you're going to want to expand it. And here's what we've learned - that if you hope to have consistently a meeting that can have the group dynamics of 10 people, which means just big enough that you can hide a little bit if you're too bruised to show or just small enough so that you can get the help you need because there's time to be listened to. That's what a group of 10 does for you. A group of four or five, it's too small for you to hide. And that means, there are times when it's going to be awkward to be there. A group of 15 or 16, they don't have time to hear your story and so you don't feel cared for. So when you head for that 10, that's a pretty effective number to manage a group. 

But attendance problems being what they are, health problems being what they are, work schedules and travel schedules being what they are, if you don't have a larger number than that that you're cultivating a relationship with, when it comes time to actually have a meeting, you won't have 10 people there. 

Now over time, we've learned it takes between two and two and a half dozen people that you're actively in communication with for you to count on having 10 people at a given meeting. And you say, "But what happens if they all showed up?" Well, you'd have a very, very full meeting. You'd have 25 people, you’d have 27 people, you'd have 30 people. 

“Well, how often does this occur?” On occasion. Well, can you handle that? Yeah, they can handle that for a night or two. But after a couple of times of being large, beyond 10 or so, what's going to happen is a sense of intimacy will be lost, the quality of caring will begin to diminish, then you'll have a thunderstorm. And nobody will show up. That is, only 10 people will be there. And numbers will go way down. And after you've had the meeting, people will be consoling the leader on how sorry they are that the attendance is so far down. But someone will say, on the doorstep, just before they go out to their car, they will say, "But you know, this is one of the best meetings we've had in months." And what they're reflecting on is the fact the meeting got small enough to become intimate again. And they were basking in the enjoyment of being able to hear each other out without feeling rushed or crowded.

That's why it is that we've got to be developing new leaders constantly so that when groups do overgrow the 10 or so on an average attendance basis, we have the leadership resources to be able to let the leader strike out and develop another group before we get permanently overblown into too large a group to manage effectively. 

That's why we look for groups to start multiplying any time they're above 10. We're looking for that leader to have replaced themselves and to move on out. Because that way the intimacy - and with the intimacy, what - is the quality because people really feel cared for, really feel loved when you have time to hear their heart.

And you can't do that in a rush. Heart reports can't be taken in a hurry. And that means you have to have time in the meeting for every person to have whatever say they need to have so they can feel the love and support of the rest of the group. 

Now as you're getting your group together, your nucleus together and you begin to make a list of the people you're going to invite, it's not hard for you to come up with 10, 15, 20 names. There are some churches that have trained their people to accept a list from the church as the basis for pulling people into their groups. Now that's not a particularly bad way to do things, but what we've learned is, your personality as a small group leader is special. And not everybody responds to you as a person. And it's not a matter of wickedness or evil or even of personality deficiency on your part. It's just that people have preferences. They find some people more approachable than others. They want to be with some people more than others. 

We've studied this in sociograms. We've taken groups of people that were strangers and put them together. And then we separated them, put them in other groups and separated them again and put them in other groups. So that in the course of four or five hours, we've had a group of strangers that swapped stranger partners in groups all across the morning. And then, we do a sociogram and we say, "In the first hour, which was the person you had the most energy for and would you enjoy being in a group again?" And you know, they could almost always name one? They'd find someone in that group that they found more interesting than the rest. 

And then, we asked them in the second hour, "Did you find anybody there that was especially exciting and interesting to you for whom you had more energy?" And then, we'd do the same thing for the third hour. Then we put that group together and you watch, a whole ballroom full of people can be just as happy as pie because they're tickled to death to be with each other because they have found the chemistry ingredients that make the starting of a relationship fun to be in. 

Now we call that affinity attraction, where we listen to what people say, about how they feel about others before we put them into an assignment. Now if you go to your computer and you rip off the zip code list and you hand it out, you don't get any of that kind of stuff. What you get is you get a list of people, and you have to call those people and work with those people. And what you find is only a certain number of them really respond to you. 

Well, there's nothing wrong with handing out those lists if they would take them back in six weeks or so, two months or so and say, "The ones that you haven't contacted and the ones that have not shown a response, we want to put on somebody else's list now." And they take it back. That would be a good use of lists. Because the affinity principle would be at work there. 

Now you can say to a group leader, "Please concentrate on men or women or couples or children." You can tell them there are some parameters we'd like to put on your fishing--when you're recruiting new people if you need to do that. But by and large, over time, group leaders lead whom they will. So who can you attract? Who can you develop into a follower? And we found that it's just as easy to say think through who you can get to come to a meeting. Put them on your list. Invite them. If they come and they like it, they'll come back. Declare that they are on your list and we won't send their name to somebody else. We'd like to know as a staff--we know as the staff tell you this. "Let the staff know who you're taking care of." That way, the staff won't be concentrating there for some of those people. They'll leave them in your care. They'll work on helping find a place for people who didn't find their way into one of the existing groups.

So responsibility for the list, as much as possible, we like to put in the care of those of you who are going to be leading an actual group. Because the people that come at your invitation are going to be more likely to receive care from you than people whose names are simply assigned to you. Remember, our objective here is to affirm and care for people, to show love to them. And if they self-select themselves as being candidates for your care, then the care junction is properly made, more likely to be happy.

We bought some Great Dane puppies for our children. Puppies, I say because Great Danes, in our history, are not terribly smart and they manage to wander into the path of oncoming traffic. And even a Great Dane is no match for an 18-wheeler truck. So we've learned that Great Danes are not a permanent fixture in a family if they wander out into traffic. So we've had several experiences with getting Great Danes. But I remember the time that we went for our first Great Dane. And we were a little apprehensive about it because we had met some Great Danes that we didn't particularly like. And yet, we'd seen some that we were very impressed with. This is in our pre-goldens and pre-Labrador retriever days. We had friends that had Great Danes and they sold us. 

So we went to the kennel and I said to the man, "We're going to put a lot of money into this dog. These are fairly pricey animals. How can you assure me that we're going to like the animal?"

He said, "I've never had one returned, Mister."

I said, "Is that because you have a policy that doesn't allow them to be returned or doesn't allow a return? What is it?"

And he said, "No. You'll be happy with the dog you take home. I guarantee it."

"So, a one-year guarantee. Good. I'm needing to get on the road so give us the pup." 

He said, "Oh no. Not so fast." He said, "Come on up here on the porch. We need to talk." We got up there on the porch, and I was expecting to get a lecture on Great Dane care. And he didn't talk about Great Danes. He wanted to talk about the weather, hunting and everything under the sun. 

After a while, I thought, "When are we going to get to the point?" And I said, "Look. I really need to get on the road."

He said, "Just a little more time."

And I said, "What's going on here?"

He said, "I'll explain it." And he went over into the yard and he picked up one of the little pups. He handed it to us and he said, "This is your pup."

I said, "What? Show me. Conformity, color, stamina? How do you make this decision?" 

He said, "I didn't. This pup picked out your kids. He's been the only one that has paid any attention to your children, and he's been following them happily all over the yard." He says, "He's right for you." 

We took him home and sure enough, as long as he lasted, he was right for us. He was the affectionate companion of our family. And I thought, "That made so much sense. We didn't choose the dog. The dog chose us." There's something almost theological about this, that it simply says this: if you invite someone to your home and they respond, chances are they'll respond to other initiatives that you take. And you've just provided one of the better kinds of pairings of people for real ministry to take place. Because if you've got the personality/chemistry issues behind this, then the rest of it is growth in other areas. And so, we would like to see everybody who is a leader, having been selected somewhat by their followers. And of course, if you were to invite people and they accept your invitation, they are in fact coming into your orbit. And if they stay with you any length of time, they are ready to accept ministry from you in a growing number of areas.

Now you'll need to prioritize your contact work so that you have the most fruit for the least invitations. So think this through. Of all the people that you can think of that you would like to invite, who are the ones that are most likely to respond to you? Suppose you had to put out 50 invitations to get the 10 people that you wanted to come together. Well, it wouldn't be so bad. You'd say, "I'd be terribly defeated having 40 people not come to my meeting." 

All right. So be defeated if you wish. Your coach will deal with that if they're skillful. And understand that if you got six in the first night, this is phenomenal. That's one apiece. That's good stuff. It's the stuff out of which championship recruiters are made. And they keep encouraging you until you have the number that you need on a regular basis in your care.

But as you think about who will respond to you, think about this. There are some people who are in a condition of needing relationships. Usually, the newest members of your churches are among the most hungry for new connections. And anyone who will pay attention to the newest members of the church or the newest visitors to the church-- because what the research tells us is this. Inviting churches hold more people than churches that don't invite. When you have someone who gets to church and actually shows up, do you know how much they have done to get there, especially if they have children? I mean, we're talking about a major, logistical task to get out of the family, into the sack Saturday night, laundry organized, out of the sack, through the breakfast, through the traffic, into the church building. These people have made a heroic effort just to appear on the premises on Sunday morning. 

Now if anybody shows them any attention and take seriously the very serious gesture they have made of availability to the church, the probability that they'll stick around to see what's going on here is very, very high.

If you're careful as a researcher, you can go and stand on the steps of churches and see couples come out of the church and stand there and pause and exchange conversation that says, "I think we'll like it here," or "I don't think we passed the test here." Because they're wondering, "I wonder how people are responding to us?" And if people come up to them, greet them warmly, engage them in conversation, introduce them to friends, the probability that they'll be back is very, very high.

If, on the other hand, they get in the building, they get out and everybody's ho-hum about it, the probability of their coming back is very low. Research is very consistent about this. 

Now what would happen if every tenth person in your church were a small group leader, another every tenth person in your church were an apprentice leader, another every tenth person was a host or hostess so that through those three people - 3 out of 10 in your church - were actively open to receiving new visitors. Not simply, "Hi. How are you? Glad to have you in our worship service." But actually share coffee, refreshments, cookies, whatever your convictions allow in a small group setting of a home? They're invited to that. What do you think the quality of inviting would be in a church that had that many well-connected people in legitimate ministry with a care group, able to share not only their own friendship but the friendship of nine others in their group. 

"I've got a group of friends. We meet together every couple of weeks. We'd love to have you come over and meet everybody. Who knows? You might find a lifelong friend here?" 

And the new person says, "I think I'll go over to that group and check it out." 

If you have a lot of these inviters, it's just a matter of weeks, maybe just a few months until any person that would come to your church would find the place they needed to be cared for and loved.

So inviting is critical. But now, what kind of a person do you need to be to be attractive enough to have people respond to you and want to be around you? Now, this may come as a shock to you. But not every person who names the name of Christ as Lord and Savior is a very approachable or pleasant person.

Our research tells us that the same things that make for popularity in the world, within limits, make for popularity in the church in terms of personality factors. Now suppose that there was one principle that we could teach you that would virtually assure that you became an attractive enough individual for others to want to spend more time with you. What would it be worth to you to know what that principle was? This is a key principle - that you can cultivate this principle as an element of your personality. And in doing so, you can raise your attractiveness factor several times. And here's what it is. This is not a terribly complicated signal. As a symbol, it's a very simple one. (draws smiley face on the board)

Grumps are not approachable. The power of a smile is so considerable that I've met a man, a European fellow, who was challenged to start a business across the border in another country. And the trick was he didn't know the language of the people. But he was challenged to be the sole representative of his company in the other country. And he was desperate enough for a job, he took it knowing that if he didn't produce results he wouldn't get a cent out of it. But he was so desperate to do it, he went to the other country and here, he's faced with a whole country full of people and he doesn't know who knows his language. He knew two languages. English was one of them. And he didn't know the language of the general populace.

And he said, "I knew I had to meet a lot of people to make the contacts I needed to make for our business to be effective." And he said to me, "I resolved to do two things. One, I resolved to be among a lot of people. And the other is, I resolved to smile constantly." And he was standing in front of a mirror, and he would practice smiling. 

Pretty soon, he got to his teeth showed in a very attractive smile. And then, he would go into these public places - streetcars and busses and so forth - and he made it a point to be clumsy. As he had an opportunity to, he would bump people such that he had to apologize. And he would have this big smile on, and he would say, first in English and then in his own language, he would say, "Excuse me." 

And if the people responded in one of those two languages, his smile enabled him to carry on a conversation. And he made the connections he needed. And today, as I understand it, he has a massive and very lucrative and profitable business in a country he doesn't know the language.

I interviewed him recently, and he had a smile as big as the world. He had learned the power and the attractiveness of a smile. What I have learned in terms of a ministry principle is this: every contact has in its potential for advancing ministry. Every contact. 

Now what I have learned among novice ministers is that they think of themselves as burdened by their ministry because they think of their ministries as time-consuming. But when I actually interview them as to what they're doing in the ministry, what I’ve discovered is this. They're giving themselves credit for worry time. They're giving themselves credit for dreaming time. They're giving themselves credit for attention time. None of which are legitimate. Because the thing that counts is contact with people or in some cases, preparing to contact with people.

And whenever you're in contact with somebody, even if it's 30 seconds, you have a chance to affirm that individual. That's why greetings are so terribly important. That's why championship teams touch a lot. And that's effective lay ministers touch a lot. You watch them. As they greet each other, they don't simply come up and say, "How are you?" (with arms straight down on each side) Aloofness is not valued in caring. Sophistication, it has its place in the power games in the business world, but when it comes to showing people that they are loved, what counts is showing some excitement about them. And that means that excitement, a positive energy, a big smile, a warm grasp, a quick hug, those things are the tools out of which caring is made. And it conveys to people a sense of worth. And as soon as they feel like they are valued, then the next thing you know, they become open to ministry. 

A friend of mine, Alan Nelson, wrote a book called The Five-Minute Minister. And he talked about how the really significant things that he had seen happen in his years as a minister had occurred in five-minute bursts. It was a contact at the bank, it was a conversation after a short breakfast meeting, it was a touch, it was-- and he began to realize, ministry isn't something you do by the hours, ministry is something you do by the moments. And you begin to think in terms of touching. 

Now that's really what you're about between the meetings. You see, for a minute 59 when you're winding down your meeting until a minute one the next time you meet is a space of anywhere from a week to three weeks. Okay?

Now every chance you have for touching people in between meetings leads people to be excited enough to want to come to the next meeting. It takes multiple touches. Now, fortunately, we have telephones, cars, we have ways of being in touch with people. And this leads us to an important ministry principle. Make every excuse you have to touch people. Use every excuse you can make. Touch people as much as you can. If the only touching you do is to call their name and to say, "Hello," with a big smile on your face, that's a ministry touch. Because what it did was it kept them warm so that they look forward to the next time they saw you. 

And do you know what the Holy Spirit does behind the scenes in cases like that? Behind the scenes, the Holy Spirit keeps nudging those people toward the love of God. And if the Christian that they know - that's the care-giving person - if that Christian, every time they see that person is affirming and touching them, they're drawn right into the relationship so that whatever good thing the Holy Spirit wants to do in their lives through contact with a care-giving Christian, it's possible because you have allowed your personality to be developed by the choices you've made. You've allowed your personality to be developed to the point for the Holy Spirit to find you an easy tool to work within transforming the lives of other people.

You see, when people feel safe with you because they know they can predict, “When I see that person coming,”-- there are some people. You think about it. You think of their name, you see their face and you want to smile inside. That person is a good person. 

I said to my secretary one day, "Whenever that person calls, let me have that call. Because the one thing I know is it doesn't matter what the agenda is, when I hang up the phone, I'm going to feel better." 

I heard the testimony of a woman who is a multi-millionaire. She went through a very difficult episode in her life. One of her children was drastically sick. And she told the story of how that when the Christians that she knew came to her home, she felt better. And she said after they had been in that condition of managing a chronic sickness in their family for a period of months and she sat down and thought about it one day, she said, "Who do I want to see come to our home?" The medical people didn't do much for her. Her friends in the business community didn't do much for her. But those Christian people - the ones who offered to pray for her - when they came, she felt better. And because that contact was established, as the Holy Spirit continued to work in that family's life, she wound up following those Christians into a church setting where they were able to hear the gospel. She was open to it. 

And today, as a multi-millionaire, she gives millions of dollars to Christian causes. She will tell you that her interest in the gospel started because of a positive response she had to Christian people who, with just a small visit, touched her life and wanted hearing for the gospel.


Last modified: Wednesday, July 8, 2020, 12:50 PM