Transcripts for Days 21-30

Day 21 – 30 - The Difference Between Men and Women 

There are 4 Video Transcripts 

Video Transcript: A Tale of Two Brains - Dr. Mark Gungor

Welcome to laugh your way to a better marriage. I'm so glad you're here. This is the marriage seminar for people who hate marriage seminars. Who are all right. I get a kick out of watching the couples when they first come in on Friday nights. You know, the girls, they're all lit up, you know, just the guy's going, Oh, man, I can't believe I got here. But it's cool, guys, you can relax. You're gonna love it. This is not one of those. Let's beat up on the men for not being women seminars. Yeah. What is it with that anyway? Man, you know, you ask a lot of women to describe their ideal man. And they'll describe another woman. What's up with that? You know? So we're not going to do that we are going to just go with this thing in a normal healthy way. We're men. Men are men. We're not sick. We're not perverted. We're not twisted. You know, we're not broken. We're man. All right, and God, yeah. And God made us the way we are for a reason. And I'm going to show you girls what that reason is, okay. And I'm going to try to explain to you, the world of men a little bit through this thing. We'll also discuss the women's side of things as well. But I really want you to understand this men thing, women are much more complicated than men. Men are very simple, simple, sex simple.

 

That's what I'm talking about. Okay. So we're gonna have fun, we should have a really, really great time. Now Tonight, we're going to do a session called the tale of two brains, hence, the two brains. And we're going to be discussing how men and women think very differently from each other. Why is that important? Because men and women are very quick to make into heart problems. What are essentially head problems, a woman acts a certain way, a guy feels she doesn't care about him. He says, there's something wrong with your heart. You don't care about me? No, no, it's the way she processes information. The same with a guy, a man thinks in a certain way. And a woman thinks there's something wrong with his heart. No, it's his head. Okay, so I'm going to try and explain to you what that's all about. Then tomorrow morning, we're going to do a session called Why does he do that? Why does she do that?

 

Okay. It's one thing to understand men and women in general, it's another one to understand the one you got stuck with. Okay. So I'm going to show you how you can discover specifically what makes your spouse tick. And it's powerful information that will absolutely revolutionize your relationship. All right, then we're going to do what I call the Yo mama session. And it's called the number one key to incredible sex. Boys of humans that are just so wrong with you, okay, so you gotta, you gotta check, and then we're gonna end with how to stay married and not kill anybody. Okay. All very deep emotional stuff. Now. A lot of people say, well, what's your background? What's your What's your deal? Well, my background is that I'm a minister. Now, if you're not much of a churchgoer, don't let that make you nervous. Some of my biggest fans are heathens. All right. And this isn't one of those things where we sneak you in and then beat you over the head with a Bible. All right, but but I do have a Bible verse I need to show you okay, because I found a Bible verse that if you follow the advice from this one Bible verse, you will never, ever, ever have a problem in marriage. How many think that's worth seeing? Alright, you follow the advice on this one verse. You'll never have a problem in marriage.

 

It says if it's good for a man not to marry, all right, so well what why would he say that as you tell thing to say, because he goes on to explain, he who marries will have trouble in this life. People come up to me and say, What is it? We got trouble in our marriage? I go, No, that's about right. Hey, hey, nothing wrong. It's pretty normal. Now. You don't hear these verses read at weddings very often. Gonna kind of downplay that. You don't see those on Hallmark cards. You don't see him on cakes with pretty calligraphy, he who marries will have trouble. But it's too late for you. If that's the case why get married because marriage is absolutely wonderful. It's great. It's fantastic. But it's not that it's without trouble. All right, and I want to show one other verse to you. Now you don't have the deep theological training that I have. So you might have a hard time understanding this verse. But I'll try and explain it to you. This is found in Proverbs. And it goes like this. Where no oxen are, the manger is clean. Let me explain that to you. Okay.

 

What does that mean? What it means if you're going to have an ox, you're going to have ox two. All right? Now, if you don't like poo, and most of us are not real big fans of poo. If you don't like poo, the temptation is get rid of the ox, preach it brother, no do not get rid of the ox. All right, you know, so why would you keep the ox round, because he goes to the second half of the verse that says because much increase comes by the strength of the ox. Well, now there's the catch 22 On the one hand, we all love the benefit of the ox. But nobody likes the poo. And what he's trying to tell us here is you cannot have one without the other. There is no such thing as a poo free marriage. It just doesn't exist once you shoot the ox, okay. But that leads to other problems. So this weekend is not about attaining a state of perfection in your life. Alright, it's about getting a proper positive to poo ratio in your life.

 

You see, because if all you get is poo, then you got one sick ox. Are you hearing me? Alright? So, but there's no such thing as a poo free marriage. For those of you who have a hard time grasping this, I have a mathematical version of it. It goes up. ox equals poo over positive, some say positive over poo. But anyway, it's the ratio that we want to get going here. Okay. Now, marriage is a wonderful institution. Statistically speaking, we know that married people are healthier than single people. They are actually happier than single people assuming you're doing this right. Or you could be profoundly unhappy. They actually make more money than single people. And I'll mention a little bit later why that's true. Okay, they have better sex than single people. You don't see that in our culture, you know, in all the movies and shows, you know, it's the single people all having really great sex, you know, and, and the married people are, you know, someone will say, well, how's your sex life? Are you kidding? I'm married, hahaha. And it's not true. It's a bunch of baloney. Okay, married people have great sex compared to single single people don't even know what they're doing for crying out loud.

 

Okay. And statistically speaking, married people live longer than single people, particularly true for men. Statistically speaking one of the most dangerous things a man can do in America today is to remain single. It is the equivalent of smoking two and a half packs of cigarettes a day. It's true. They thought that if you take someone who has two and a half packs of cigarettes a day And the health problems and the shortness of life and all his difficulties. And a single guy is pretty much the same. I guess the worst would be a single guy who smokes two and a half bags of cigarettes a day. Alright, but marriage is wonderful. It's great. It rocks. I love it. Okay, if you do it right now, the problem here is so many people don't do it, right.

 

And it's not that they don't know not that they don't want to do or they don't know what to do. We live in a culture today that seems to for somehow in the relationship area to be completely clueless. We seriously don't know what to do now, this weekend, what I want to do is show you specific things you can do that will absolutely energize and transform your marriage life. How many think that's worth? Yeah. Okay. So, I want to talk to you about what I call the laws of relational physics. You see the laws of physics affect everybody, whether you believe them or not, okay, if I step off the stage, I'm probably in all likelihood going to go down. If I start floating around, you might want to freak out and run. But why? Because the laws of physics if I don't believe the mere matter what I believe I'm going down, right? Doesn't matter. If I'm a born again, Christian, doesn't matter. If I'm a heathen, then I'm going because it affects everybody. Well, just like that there are laws of relational physics, and they affect everybody, whether you believe them or not. Now, this might come as a little bit of a shock, to those of you who are church people, especially hearing from a minister. But the truth is, you don't have to be a Christian to have a great marriage. I know a lot of heathens that have wonderful marriages. I know a lot of born again, Christians who have horrible marriages. Why is that they're breaking all the rules. And they assume somehow that the rules don't apply to them. But they do. Here's an example, if you're driving a car 80 miles an hour around a curve that says only 40. And you keep going 80 chances are you're going to get hurt. Even if you're listening to a Christian radio station. Even if you have a statue of Jesus on the dashboard, He might be going (oh no we are going to crash). Why is that? Because the laws of physics still affect you. But for some miracle, you're going to get hurt. Same true with relational physics. And I want explain that to you. And we'll take a look at that. Now, this weekend, I'm going to be speaking to you in basic stereotypes. In other words, women generally tend to be a certain way, men generally tend to be a certain way, but they're not all that way. I get it. Okay, some of the people just have a cow. I'm assuming it's not alright. Just generally, we don't have time to get into all the shades of gray. But generally speaking, men are a certain way, women are a certain way. If I start describing something that's not you don't have a cow, just interpolate for your relationships.

 

In Debbie's and I, relationship, there are areas where we're completely opposite of a typical man and a woman. I remember when I was first studying this, this stuff, I thought, oh, man, I'm a woman. So just interpolate. I will say this, that if you if you tend to be one way, in a certain relationship, your wife generally will be the other way. I don't think I've run across a couple yet. I'm sure they're out there that act the exact same way, you know, so if you break the rules, chances are your spouse is breaking them right with you. And you just flip on the deal. Okay. For example, a typical stereotype, men are more interested in sex than their wives. Why would you say that? Because generally it's true. But it's not always true. There are a lot of relationships where the wife is much more interested in sex than her husband. If you're here tonight, and your wife is much more interested in sex than you are. I think I speak for all the men here when I say that we hate you.

 

Please don't tell us who you are. We will hurt you. Alright, so. So just go with the flow. It'll be cool. We'll have a great time. Discussing This thing about marriage now, I believe marriage is a life giving institution. We live in a culture today that believes marriage is a life sucking institution, it will suck the life out of you. All right. And that's why we say, make sure you're old enough. Make sure you have enough money, make sure you have enough education, make sure you've been dating for 37 years, first. Make sure that, you know get all the stuff while you got to get everything together and ready. So when you say I do, you can withstand me. But it's not that way. It'll give you life. If you'll do it right. If you do this, right, marriage can be the closest thing to heaven on earth. If you do it wrong. Well, you fill in the blanks. Okay, so now we're gonna start discussing men's brains, women's brains and how they're very different from each other. Now, I want to start with men's brains. All right now men's brains are very unique. Men's brains are made up of little boxes. And we have a box for everything. We've got a box for the car, we got a box for the money, we got a box for the job, we got a box for you. We got a box for the kids, we've got a box for your mother, somewhere in the basement. We got we got we got boxes everywhere. And the rule is, the boxes don't touch.

 

When a man discusses a particular subject, we go to that particular box. We pull that box out. We open the box, we discuss only what is in that box. All right. And then we close the box and put it away being very, very careful not to touch any other boxes. Sorry, my Catholic upbringing got in there for a minute, but I'm not a Catholic, but I went to Catholic school when I was little. I had a nun who taught on hell like she was born and raised there. I mean, I know her Yeah, but it did me good. Actually, it was a good thing. Now women's brains are very, very different from men's brains. Women's brains are made up of a big ball of wire. And everything is connected to everything. money's going to the car and the cars do your job and your kids are connected to your mother and everything's connected everything. It's like the internet superhighway. And it's all driven by energy that we call emotion. It's one of the reasons why women tend to remember everything. Because if you take an event and you connect it to an emotion, it burns in your memory and you can remember forever. The same thing happens for men it just doesn't happen very often because quite frankly, we don't care. Women tend to care about everything. She just loves it. Okay. Now men we have a box in our brain that most women are not aware of. This particular box has nothing in it. In fact, we call it the nothing box. And of all the boxes a man has in his brain the nothing box is our favorite box. If a man has a chance he'll go to his nothing box every time. That's why a man can do something seemingly completely brain dead for hours on it.

 

You know, like fishing. And we love it. That's why a guy can sit in front of a TV and go (stairs at the screen). Of course, this drives our wives nuts, because they'll come up and say you can't possibly be watching anyyhing. I'm not, go away. Now we've actually measured this the University of Pennsylvania a couple of years ago did a study and discovered that men have the ability to think about absolutely nothing and still breathe. They can make it all the wires and stuff like that and much more brain activity than (nothing happens) I think he is dead. Women can't do it. They can't do it their minds never stop. And they don't understand the nothing box. And it drives them crazy. Because nothing drives a woman more crazy or makes you feel more irritated than to witness a man doing, nothing. Now one of the biggest revelations I get out of women is this whole nothing box issue. Everything starting to make sense. And I've had women say, oh it's nothing, can I go in is nothing box with him? NO. Why not? Because there is nothing. Besides you walk in there and go, you know this place can really use some pictures. Nice little table over here are some flowers. No, stop it, get out, we want nothing.

 

Now this handles the way men men and women handle stress. Okay, when a man is stressed out, all he wants to do is run to his nothing box. This is how we unwind. The last thing we want to do when we're stressed out is talk about it. We don't want to talk about it. We just want to do nothing in that box, because it just drives her nuts. You know, a woman will see a man in that vegetative state and she'll come up and go, what's you thinking about? Nothing but nothing. That cow is on a road until you showed up. Go away. All right, because that's how we handle stress you just (go into that box). Now when a woman is stressed out, she has to talk about it. If she doesn't talk about it, her brain will literally explode. So she will start (short circuit her brain). And I know men who run from their wives when they do this. Why do you run from her? He says, cuz I don't know what to tell her. Dear God man, you don't need to tell her anything. She wants you to tell her anything. See a lot of guys, they feel obligated when when you start explaining all your stress, they feel obligated to fix you.

 

Right? Because that's what a man does. A man only tells his troubles to another man in hopes that that man will help fix it. Okay, but she's not a man. And you try and fix her, she goes to kill you. She doesn't want your advice. She doesn't want your help shows you the shut up and listen. A couple of ladies are saying, that is right you tell him to shut up. They like that. One guy told me so mad at him. She just tell me how she feels. I said she doesn't know yet. What do you mean. That's how she figures out how she feels by connecting this wire to that wire this wire. Now, because they love each other, they offer to each other. Their answer, their solution, a man senses his wife is stressed out. He loves the girl he offers to the girl his best and finest solution. Just quit talking about it. Just just quit thinking about it. And that's when she starts reaching for the knives and stuff but she's gonna stab you if you keep it up. Okay, now, a woman she senses her husband's all stressed out. She loves him. Therefore she offers him her best and finest solution. I want you to talk to me. Go away. You don't want to talk to you. Leave him alone. He will not die. He's not a woman. I know you've got to talk it through or you are going to get twisted inside. He's not like that. Leave the boy alone.

 

Until he stressed out just let him go does nothing box and stay away, stay away. Okay. And it's hard for us to understand that because we think so differently from each other. Now, not only does this affect the way that we respond and stress and stuff, the way our brains are wired also affects the way that we use words. Okay, men tend to use less words than women has because the women have all the wires are trying to connect and they've got to explain each and every connection. Now they say that if a man needs to speak 10,000 words in a day, a woman needs to speak 20,000. My wife says has caused me to repeat everything we say. To which I responded, uh. Where's my darling redhead? She around, come up, I should meet my wife, Debbie, come on up here. People say well, doesn't she talk to you? And Nope. Not to you anyway, she talks to me, but she won't, she won't talk to you. Because she does want to talk to you that is all. Oh, where's my, my tablet, I want to show you something about the whole words thing.

 

You know, they actually measured this, they went in and and studied children and babies and found out that they actually went into cameras and put them in nurseries and analyze the pictures later. And they noticed that the pictures of the little girls right from the get go, their mouths are just going. That's true, is true. And then they analyze the picture of little boys and they're just (mouht shut) they're still thinking, what was that? I want to go back? I don't get it. Okay. Then they went, and they recorded conversations of little boys and girls on playgrounds. And they went back and analyze them. And they discovered that little girls loved to talk. They were very articulate love to use full sentences just love to talk. And if they didn't have anybody to talk to, they were perfectly content to talk to nobody. And they would use complete sentences. Then they analyze the conversations of the little boys, and only about 55% of it was intelligible. That's conversation to a man. Okay, now.

 

Not only do we use different amounts of words, words can mean different things to men and women, for example. Now to most men, five minutes means five minutes. To a lot of women, it can be an indefinite period of time. (the men ask) Are you ready yet? (the women reply) 5 more minutes. As we discussed, men understand nothing. Women don't understand the significance of nothing. If a woman says nothing look out at some. Oh dude man, of dude man, I don't know what happened when I ask my wife. What she was upset about. When she said, what she said, when she said nothing. Get out of the house man and run now. This is not a word. It's a vocalization. It's a sigh now when a man sighs it means everything is good with life, when a woman sighs it means you are an idiot.

 

Now when a man says, go ahead, he's being polite. When a woman says go ahead, she's giving you the opportunity to explain whatever stupid thing it was you just did. But you need to be very careful in the explanation because it's very likely to be followed by sigh. Which will lead to an argument over nothing. And then you ain't gonna have sex again for at least five minutes. Women's brains come with lots of extra ram. So they can remember the details of everything. Men's brains come with only the minimum basic requirements to keep us breathing and eating, Okay, that's good. That's why men a lot of man that we don't hang on to lots of details, they don't stick with us, you know, when an event happens, we just categorize that as an event. All right, whereas women, it's not just the event, there's all the details connected with an event, you'll run into this when when a friend of you of your family or something will call and and you know, she just had a baby, and, and then you tell your wife, oh, so and so called they had the baby. And she'll say, Well, what was it? And he says, well, it was the baby.

 

What kind of baby? I don't know it's a baby, what difference does it make? How long was it? I don't know, how long? How much you weigh? I don't know, under 20 pounds. Detail, detail, detail. You know a woman account to a guy and say how was your day? And then we go to the ram and all it's there is that it was the day and and we say it was fine. And she'll say, what happened? And we go to the ram, and there's nothing there. And we panic. And we go, nothing. But women they've got all this, you know? tickety tickety tickety tickety tickety That's why when a guy retails a story it's usually pretty much just a bottom line kind of thing. What happened?

 

This happened that happened, we are done. When a lot of women share what happened. They relive the event in excruciatingly painful detail. I mean, you are there. Yeah. At any given time. You know couples can really fight over this. My wife and I still fight over this one. You know, this is this. This drives us crazy. You know, she just got sweeter. When your husband asked the question, What did the plumber say? He really doesn't want to know what he said. I said hi, how are you doing? And he said, fine. Nice day we are having some, details. Men's brains, women's brains. It also affects not only the words we use and stuff, but also it affects how we listen. Women listen. But we listened to we're just different. A lot of women say you know men's problems, they got selective listening, you know, that is right. That's when the wife will say something like honey, go to the store, lay down the mulch, wash and wax the car, get the kids at school, rent some videos and finish the rest of the dishes. And then he runs that through his selective filter.

 

And all he hears is honey, go lay down and get some rest. Okay? But that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm really talking about is the difference between single tasking and multitasking. By and large, again, interpolate for your relationships. Again, not everybody's the same way. But by and large men are single taskers. We do one thing, and we do it pretty well. Women can handle lots of things guys aren't wired that way. That's why it's not a good idea to put a man in charge of more than one kid at a time. We can handle the one. Sweet are you doing such a good job with Johnny? Wow. Where are the rest of the kids. We have other kids. But man, we just very just Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. I'm a classic single task. I'm so bad, I'll be going along and I'll forget the one thing I was doing. completely lost. I need to reboot my brain. Say, whoa, where am I, you know. But men, generally speaking, we do not we, what we do we do very well. One of the reasons that men are so good at what they do is because of this ability to completely focus on just one task. men usually will rise to the top of any profession, even those dominated sometimes by women. That's hairdryer, designers in the world, a lot of times we're men, best cooks in the world, men. Why is that? Because we have this unique ability to focus on just one thing and doing extremely well. Okay, women are wired differently. You know, they're just dddddd. And, you know, my wife can be, you know, in the living room, watching TV, reading a book, making knick knacks, and talking on the phone all at the same time. It's just amazing to me, of course, I come in, and I'm assuming she's not watching TV. The wife will go, hey I am watching that.

 

How can you be watching that you're making knick knacks. Now this is affects the way that we listen, because when a man is doing something, he generally cannot hear anything. It's just true women on the other hand can holding three different conversations, just she'll walk into a room, and she'll see her husband reading the newspaper. And she assumes I multitask. Therefore, he must multitask. But he's running the newspaper reading program, and he can only run one program at a time. Not hearing, jack. And this makes women very angry. We just need to come over and you got to close the newspaper reading program. You got to load the listen to me program. But you got to wait a minute, he needs a reboot. I didn't know you're here. Yeah. You laugh but I'm serious girls. If you see a man doing something, unless he's wired differently, do not be giving him vital information. Because this is a train wreck waiting to happen. You'll have this conversation again. When you swear, he told you and he swears you never told him. You know you told him but in his brain, you never said jack to him. The problem here is guys, we get ourselves in trouble. Because we have men have this natural defense mechanism that at all costs, do not stop doing what you're doing. So when someone starts talking to you, we automatically have this defense mechanism that goes, uh uh, yep uh uh, and we keep doing what we're doing and we're not and she thinks you're listening to her.

 

But you're not listening. You need to stop watching your big boys stop what you're doing. Turn to the girl and pay attention to her. So it's not all on the ladies. Your big boys when she starts talking. Stop. Listen to the girl and then let him go back to what he was doing. Sounds fair right? Well, I started doing this I thought this is great. I'm doing a lot better. Mm hmm. You know, I'm watching the thing of tasking. Yeah. Okay, what what, what? And I'll say I didn't hear that and I'll make a backup and she'll tell me the unfold. I got it. Okay, okay. And I thought I was doing a lot better but still I was getting myself in trouble. You know, she'd walk up and say it's six o'clock. Are you ready? For a what? You know, that happened to have you guys tonight right? We are doing what? I told you. No, you didn't and after the races we would go. I thought they were in the works. I'm watching the thing of tasking. I don't remember her saying anything. And I thought I was losing my hearing. So I went to a doctor. True story. I went to the doctor. I walked in and said: how are you doing? He replied: Okay. What seems to be the problem? I said, well, I think I'm losing my hearing. And he says, well, you know, you're getting up there in age you know. Here's a one of the first things to go. I said, well, that's one of the first I can handle that.

 

We'll talk more about that tomorrow. But let's look over the nurse crashes she will test your hears. You know, so so I follow the lady and she and I walk into this room and they got this cheap box on a table with some real good headphones. And she says all right now, put on the headphones when you hear the beep raise your hand. If you don't hear a beep don't raise your hand. Apparently I look really stupid. So anyway, I turned around and we began pretty soon she goes really you can hear all that? I turn around said Yeah, why she's hitting the box. piece of junk or the man or the season? What's the problem? According to this you can hear what cats and dogs can hear. She's hitting a box she says I'm gonna send you to a specialist you ever been to the specialist you know, they got this Yo mama soundproof room, you know, the thick door, you know? You know, you got the person, you know, sit behind the glass, you know, you feel like you're in a people aquarium. But anyway, so at the time we lived in Green Bay, Wisconsin and right downtown Green Bay, there was a place called eye and ear associates. I'd never heard of them before. I had no reason to hear from them. But she's she's gonna send these people they have all this fancy equipment and and so she takes the doctor's pad and she writes eye ear and she abbreviates Associates and hands it to me. I said what kind of doctor is this? True story. She says, What do you mean? Said I heard eye ear and throat, she wrote associates. I thought I was gonna be in for a very uncomfortable tasks there for a minute.

 

So I got in the eye ear and you know, doctor and I get in there and I sit down and she's behind the glass and she has to push the button to talk you know, okay, now put the headphone on and when you hear the beep ... spin around, and we began, kid you not he goes. Ah, really? You've been here all that? I felt like a moron. All right. I take the print out to the specialist. He goes, What are you doing here? You got better ears than me. Oh man, she said are you ready, six o'clock. So I go home and I walk in the door. She says wow, what the doctors say. She doesn't sound like that by the way. I say that because people used to come up and say you know she doesn't have a voice like that. word for effect. By the way. We've been married for 32 years. We have two grandsons. Very cool. Beautiful boys ones 10 months old, the other ones eight and they are just such a delight. I love grandchildren because now it's payback. My son Philips here with us, he's running the audio and and on our 30th wedding anniversary, Phil gives me a call up and he says, Hey, Dad 30 years. That's really something.

 

I said, well, thank you, sir. So but you know, truthfully PhilI said, it only feels like 10 minutes. He goes, really? I said, Yeah, 10 minutes underwater. Lighten up, all the girls, I can believe what he said. It's just a joke box, all right, just a joke. So I come back from my hear thing. So what did they says. Oh, well, I said like your cats and dogs can hear. She says that's not your problem, your problem. And I thought but but I've been paying attention. I was watching the single tasking thing. And so I thought I'm gonna do a test. I want to see how far she gets away before I can't hear. So the next day, we're sitting in the kitchen, and she comes up and she's talking me. And I go, Uh huh. And then she walks over it further away. She says, okay, I can hear that. She goes a little further away. She is doing the multitasking thing. Then she goes into the living room. And now she goes into another room. She's now on the other side of the house, still talking to me. I said, hey, she yells back. I'm on the other side of the house. She goes, you are not listening anyway. The next day I caught her this time she goes upstairs. She's on another floor still giving me vital information. That's when it started dawning on me Wait a minute. We might single dads but these women so multitask they just keep doing what they're doing and whether or not you're in the same area code is irrelevant. There's irrelevant he did it the other day says no, my wife's like that she'll just she'll be talking to me she by the by the the dryer and show me tell me something important, and she will stick her head in the dryer, and you better do that, or you be in big trouble.. She still does that will be like a real busy highways around real all kinds of noise. And she'll be talking, you know something that's really important to be careful about physics girls and applies to you. It would help if your husband was in the same area code okay.

 

Now I first shared the story of the men's conference that I was speaking in. I thought it was just a funny story that happened to me but as I'm sharing it, all these men's heads are going. One guy came up to me afterwards he says he says you know pastor, homie in the bathroom, the door is closed. The fan is on, there's tile everywhere. So sound just bounces around in there. I'm standing there. All I can hear is the sound of rushing water. You know, I figured out that's why we miss sometimes girls. Now the mystery solves. Girls don't be so multitasking that you're doing a gazillion things giving him vital information. All right, and especially if he's doing something I'm telling you this simple thing, and I'm talking to you creates more arguments and more frustrations in marriages, and we're fighting over nothing. Well, you know, you're really married to a multitasker. When during a moment of intimate passion, she suddenly blurts out, oh, by the way, the plumber said the toilets are broken. Focus women. Man, she can make love to you and plan next week's dinners and, think about the toilet. Oh, it's all the same to her. Back up here, I want to show you something in no other area, men's brains and women's brains do men and women think more differently than in this area of sex. And I will get into a lot more detail tomorrow. But I want to I want to show you something here that I think will be of great interest to you. Give my lovely assistant a hand.

 

Now sex is a pretty big issue, particularly for men. For us, our sexual interest peaks at about age 18. And then goes down from there. So if you were to chart it out, it would look like something like this, it peaks at about age 18 and then goes down, and then you're dead. Now something is important for women to understand when it comes to this area. We're no longer driven so much by our brains or by our hearts, but it's by a chemical. It's called testosterone. And it runs through our blood. It runs through our blood. And it drives us crazy. You just if you girls knew how much the store was crazy, you'd be more disgusted with us than you are right now. We downplay man. And I'm telling you and as funny as this little chart is and as true as it is for so many men. If for some reason as a man ages, his testosterone levels begin to decline, his interest in sex will start to decline. And if his testosterone level drops dramatically, his interest to go way down. Same head, same heart, same guy, and I was not interested in sex. You treat that man and very easy to do with testosterone supplements. And boom, he's the same wild man you married. Same head, same heart, same guy. Now he's, come here, baby. Right. So this is not because we're sickles. It's not because we're perverts. It's not because we're broken. God wired us this way. And it did it on purpose.

 

Whoa, what was that? I'm gonna show you in a minute, but you just need to really understand this. And the truth is, when we get this rush of testosterone, it just messes with us now, for the love of God, don't raise your hands. But most men will admit that we usually receive a testosterone rush usually very early in the morning. And for no reason at all. Dun, dun, dun, dun, attention. And then just wakes us up just a word not thinking about anything. All right. And that's usually when a man reaches over and whispers those three words every woman loves to hear. Hey, you awake. We'll be talking more about that tomorrow. Okay. All right. So why why does God wire men this way? Okay, not explain this. I need to do an anatomy lesson. Okay, y'all, okay? Hey, on Margaret, he's gonna draw pictures. It'll be okay. Well, we'll keep it clean. Okay. Now, we'll call this the girl's heart. And in the interest of keeping everything at least PG 13, we will refer to this as the place of happiness. I had a lady come up to me recently, she goes, man, I can't even go to Walmart anymore smiley faces all over the place. Now, at some fundamental level, this is every man's basic interest in a woman. It's true, it's true. Now, when was the last time that there shouldn't be about that should be about companionship and fellowship and sharing.

 

Girls, if your husband was interested in companionship, fellowship and sharing, he had gotten a golden retriever. He's interested in this and he supposed to be that's the way God wired men. But what men fail to understand is the key to this, is this. And if a man successfully touches this, she gives him the green light. And now he can touch this. So the sex drive guys, is God's way of constantly reminding a man and it keeps coming back it like never stops. You know, just on average, a man will feel the need for sexual release about every 72 hours. That's every three days. Some more, some less. My husband's every 72 minutes, but that's your problem. But anyway. But seriously, the reason that keeps coming back is to motivate the man. Be nice to the girl. It's not so you can just go, hey, you are you awake. Or you me a lot of guys do that. As soon as they feel the buzzer just reaching for the girl. Come here baby. Don't be a moron. She won't want to come here. The reason that buzz hits you again. Remember, be nice to the girl, being nice to the girl. Be nice to the girl. Be nice to the girl, I got to be nice to the girl. And and and this is what motivates me. I tried to be nice to my wife. And and now I spend time with her and I take her to lunch every day and I'll take your shopping as well Pastor Mark, do you like going shopping? No, I hate it. You know, she drops me off at the bench with all the old guys and I sleep with them. Yes. She goes picks me up, drops you off in another bench.

 

Say What have you done like it? Then why do you do it? I'll tell you why? Because I want some of this. I am no idiot. You got to be nice to the girl. You got to pay attention to the girl. And really single women. I don't know, you know how many single women are watching this. But inevitably, there's a single woman here and that's great. And and a lot of you watching this. But you know, when a woman gives a man this before marriage, she is a nitwit of astronomical proportions. That's how you would never build a house and pay the contractor in advance. Are you hearing me, getting if you're gonna build a $250,000 house and which here in Phoenix will get you a one bedroom with nothing? Man, I got a huge condo on a lake in Wisconsin for 250. Man, I'm telling you here you got nothing. But anyway, you wouldn't be the guy in advance get here. Here's the 250 grand Do you know why the house will never get done on time. He'll never do what he's promised to do. Why? Because that's just the nature of human beings. You pay him as they hit certain marks, certain things are accomplished. You finish it, you pay so more until all is done, and then you wait till everything's right. And then you close. Why? Because that's the way people are wired. If you were just to give it to him, you would be nitwit and a moron. That's what women are doing today. They're coughing this up front, which is every man's basic fundamental interest in a woman.

 

You've already given him everything he wants. And then you sit around bury me and then ask, are you going to marry me, or die. No, he's not. That's why I don't do that. Give him that thing you make that man earn it. Ain't no rain, you ain't getting the thing is what you need. Those seriously girl, I don't know why there's something that really happened in the female culture. I think it's because of the women's lib thing. And they think well, now we can go out and we can be as sexual as men and stuff like that. But they are fighting against their own interests. There are millions of women in America today that are so frustrated, they can never get this they can never get this you know why cuz they're dumb. I'm sorry, I don't mean mean a mean way. But they're doing a dumb thing. I just coughing this up to every guy that comes along, thinking this, it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way. Now, every woman's basic interest in a man is this. What a lot of women fail to recognize is the key to this, is this. And if you touch that, it gives you the green light, you can touch this. We're more supposed to do that outside of marriage, the inside of marriage, you got to work at this way outside of marriage, you defeat yourself but inside of marriage, you have to realize this is a very important deal. It is it's huge.

 

A lot of women treat this like it shouldn't like a side issue, which is not a side issue in marriage. It is the central issue. It truly is. And I'm going to really explain this in greater detail tomorrow. You get this right. Things will flow a lot better in your life. You try and discard so I couldn't be about that. He couldn't be interested in sex. You are fighting now against your own interest doing it that way. You've got to be smart about this girls. The key to this boy's heart. You know they used to say when I was growing up that the key the key to a man's heart. was in stomach. But they were about six inches too high. And this is important, I think I'll tell you girls, if it weren't for this, we probably really wouldn't deal with y'all, sounds terrible. But I'm just telling you like it is. You know? I don't think we'd go through the trouble honestly. This is a game, you got to let him know he can win with you. And we'll talk more about this in detail tomorrow. But the crazy thing about is he is the key to what you want. Here's the door and for the guys for what you want. Here's the door. And it is the perfect standoff. It is the ultimate standoff. People say why did what was God thinking, He will say to me all the time? When it was God, this is what God was thinking. The key to you getting what you want, is to give your spouse what they want. Now, it's not easy. And you'll sometimes you'll mess up. But you got to constantly work for this. You can't all of a sudden disregard this. Some guys, you know, they they never pay attention to the girl. They're never nice to the girl and wonder how can they never get any sex? How come I am not getting enough sex?

 

Cuz you're an idiot. For crying out loud, be nice to the girl, you've got to touch your heart. That's your key. But a lot of guys say you know what? I don't love you once? if anything changes, I'll let you know. I'm not getting any sex. Because you're blowing it. You're flown in. And girls, same thing with you. The key to this is this area here. Don't don't don't dismiss this. If you guys will flow in this thing. It works. And it's great. And it's extremely powerful. It is the most powerful thing God ever designed to connect two people. And we'll get into this in a lot more detail, tomorrow.

 

(This is now tomorrow) All right. Men's brains, women's brains, women's brains think, give, give, give, give, give, give. They just love to give their happiest when they're giving. You get a bunch of women together and they're all giving to each other. Oh, I love your hair. I love your shoes. I love your outfit. They just love it. Now men's brains a little different. Men's brains. Think take, take, take, take. And you get a bunch of men together and we insult each other. You're fat, you're ugly, you smell, thanks man. So if women love to give, and men love to take, which way do you suppose the give and take goes in most relationships? That away? women think the answer is to give more. If they give more, it will inspire him to give back. Ain't going to happen. All right. You've got to learn girls, that if you're going to be truly happy, you're going to have to learn how to take in your relationship. And women are fundamentally very uncomfortable and taking in the relationships. They just love to give, give, give, give, give, give, but you'll give yourselves to death.

 

A lot of you just burn yourselves out. It's not unusual to have a woman and her husband come into my office and you know she's been married. They've been married for 25 years and she says I've given nothing you have to give. You ever hear a woman say that? have nothing left to give the burden because they've just given so much. Then you look at the husband. He goes I thought we had a good marriage. Cuz it's been great for him. She's given he's taken This rocks. Alright. So now girls, I'm going to show you how you can take advantage and change that flow in your relationships. I'm going to show you how you can get a man to do what you want him to do. Alright, now, when I first say that all the girls go, yes, and all the boys goes, you sold me out, men. But be cool, because the guys like this part, it's the women who ate it, I get more static from women over what I'm about to tell you, because fundamentally, they hate taking in relationships. They think that he should just, you know, just give on his own. He is good. You know, they're hoping, you know, when I say get a guy to give to them, they're hoping I'll say, bad guy, bad, you need to give more. No. And that's what a lot of these people do. And some of these seminars are beat up on guys, you need to be more, no, the real key. I mean, we've I think we've established it doesn't work.

 

Okay. The real key is to change the woman's perspective and empower you because you in fact, have the power to change this. But a lot of women have been so affected by over romanticized concepts in marriage, that they don't understand this. They really think that if he really loved me, this would all just happen automatically. If he really cared about me. A lot of women really struggle with this concept because they tend to live in this false romantic fantasy land. Girls, you can either sit around with your hearts broken all the time, or you can do something about it. I'm going to show you what you can do four simple steps, how you can change this dynamic of give and take in your relationships. Okay, y'all ready? Here we go. Number one, how to get a man to do what you want him to do. Number one, you need to ask him more than once. Asking a man to do something once is like never having asked him to do it at all. Why is that? Men are always in such a take mode. We're constantly, we compete taking we're in business of taking mode, take, take, take, take, take, and all of a sudden his wife will say to him honey, will you do such and such for me? And his left brain says to his right brain, your hear something? Right brain goes, nope. It takes more than once to get through to the boy. Now a lot of women you know they they think that you know that their husbands are holding out on them ,that we are sitting there intentionally not doing what he asked us to do. That's because we're full of hate.

 

But I promise you when you asked it It went in one ear spin around is nothing box and shout out the other one. And he's remembering jack about what you said. Now when I was first studying this, I thought you know, this can't possibly be true. This This has got to be inaccurate because I'm married to a woman who has no problem asking me more than once. You know, honey would do such and such for me? I go, no. Come on sweet heart do this for me. No. Come on. She's got the thing, she patch my cheeks. You are so good of a husband, do these things for me. Okay, you know, then I do it. So when I was first reading this that they're saying women only like to ask one time about they can't possibly be true. And I remember I was I was in a, in a church in Green Bay, Wisconsin at the time. I was one of several pastors in a large church there. And I before service started, I thought, you know, I'm going to ask some ladies because this can't possibly be right. So I quick came up to a lady said, let me ask you a question. She said, yeah. I said, Do you have a hard time getting your husband to do stuff for you? She goes, Pastor, you have no idea. She says, I asked that man to paint the ceiling. That was back in October. It's March. He didn't do it. He walked in every day. I mean, she's just getting mad. Tell me about it. Okay. That's okay. Okay. I get. But let me ask you question, because remember, I want to prove what I just been reading wrong. So let me ask the question. How many times have you asked him to do it? And she stared at me like a dog at a new dish. She said once, I was stunned. I says, why wouldn't you ask him more than what she says? I shouldn't have to. So you might want to try that. got away from her. Went to another one, another woman says? And she says, Let me ask the question. Do you have a hard time getting your husband to do stuff for you? She says, Pastor you have no idea. She's I will ask my husband, honey, put away the laundry and I'll stick it right in the middle of the living room.

 

And he didn't know, he didn't do it. He just walks right over the top of it he walks around and is just sat there for a month she asked me with all seriousness she said pastor can't men see laundry? I said yeah, we can see it, just doesn't mean a whole lot to us. So she she's just getting angry. Just tell me about it. So I said okay, yeah, I get it. But But let me ask the question. How many times he asked him to do it and that same stair look, once. I was amazed, what why wouldn't you ask more than once? I shouldn't have to. Time was right running out churches gonna start? I grabbed another lady. She said what? Just do you have a hard time getting your husband to do stuff for you? She says pastor you have. Apparently I'm a complete idiot because I have no ideas. But yeah, no idea. And she goes on to start living out the the horrible transgressions of her idiot husband. And I asked the same question, okay. Okay. But how many times he asked him to do it? Once. So why? Why would you ask more than once? I shouldn't have to. Ladies, are you listening to me? You have to. To just get mad and madder and madder and having a cow over nothing. He doesn't even remember what you said. Thinking about it. But then I learned something. The reason women find the so offensive is because really, they don't want to ask the first time. It's true you little sinners. Because over the rainbow If you really love me, I wouldn't have to ask. Just ask him again. What's the big crime here? You know what it is, is you resent the fact that he's resistant to it? Because not only do you want him to do it, you want him to want to do it. You do? Well, I got news for you. We don't want to do it. We're never gonna want to do it.

 

If we wanted to do it, we've done it already. What do you care about the internal motivations on his heart, stop. So he doesn't, I find something that my wife wants me to do a job I don't want to do, Jesus. Because she's getting something out of me. What was with analyzing the internal motivations of the guys heart? I mean, again, there's all kinds of trouble. I was in Germany some months ago doing some seminars for the troops rotating out of Iraq, with the army. This one lady tells me, she says, You know what? She says, my husband, if ever dirty dishes in the sink, he cleans them and puts them away. Yes. Just a little I asked him, why do you do? And he said, because I hate dirty dishes. Lady, most women think they died and went to heaven with their husbands. I wanted to say, oh, I do it, because I love. Here's why he does it. Seriously, you've got to let up on this and leave him alone. Who cares what his motivations are, what his desires. I tell you what most men desires are is to do nothing. We established that. So getting doing stuff for you cares why. Number two, you need to ask him the right way. Now what does that mean? That means don't insult the boy.

 

A lot of women think they can use insult as a way to motivate a man. Like what are they smoking? What does work? What matters with you? I've got an idiot. What is matter with you? Can you pick up the laundry? No, I can't. You know why women do that? Because it would work on them. If you insulted a woman, if you embarrassed a woman, she would change. She would do something about it. But you embarrass the guy. You insult the guy. We don't care. We just become more resistant. He's not a woman. Okay, don't insult the boy insult is not a motivator for a man. All right. Number three, you need to train him with positive reinforcement. What does that mean? Well, training a man it's kind of like training a chimpanzee. If the chimp does what you want, you give him a reward. If the chimp doesn't do what you want, he just don't give him the reward. You don't beat the snot out of the monkey. Because you are going to freak out that ape. Every time you come around him. Run away from you. So how does a woman reward a man very simply by appreciating the pathetic things he does? Because men love to be appreciated. And the problem here is that women only like to appreciate unexpected kindness. If it's unexpected, they light up. But if it is expected, it's likely to happen, we don't care. You know, seriously, I mean, that's the beginning of your relationship. That's how he gets you to fall in love with you in the first place. Because unexpect everything he did was oh seriously, man. That's how you got her to fall in love with she knows you're ugly. How do you think you got such a beautiful woman like that? Because you're a nice, and everything was oh. But after 32 years, it's hard to come up with unexpected, man, I'm telling ya.

 

But the more you appreciate the kindnesses that he does, the more he wants to do it, men respond, they men, I'm telling you, they love to be appreciated. Now, I will give you an example. I was at home, and I had a dirty dish in my hand, I was by myself, and I'd actually gotten trained to the point I could put it away in a dishwasher. And I went up to the dishwasher, and I opened it up, but it was full of clean dishes. And that's a moral dilemma to a man, so finally dawns on my little brain so that being asked, I emptied the dishwasher, I put everything away and and then of course I stick around because and see what happens. Why cuz I love to be appreciated. So my wife comes home she's, she goes over the dishwasher and goes, you emptied the dishwasher. And she goes, you are such a good husband. And I eat it up. Guys get a clue here. I know, it's hard, but she loves unexpected kindness, you need to learn to give her unexpected things, unexpected little things. That's how you can keep a woman crazy in love with you. In that way. I told my guys I want to write a book 365 unexpected things a man can do for a woman. And I thought about it. I went 52 unexpected things. Do that every day. You know, what was I thinking? Yeah. Because they light up, they light up. You know, some time ago when I was first doing this. I couldn't afford to take my wife with me. And so I was doing a lot of traveling by myself and I was at a gas station. I was paying for the gas and I saw one of these rack of greeting cards and this one caught my eyes and my favorite place to be is wherever you are, to hear these women. Something wrong with y'all anyway, a buck 50 Okay, a buck 50, I can do that site, paid a buck 50, and I signed it. I took it home and I put it in the kitchen. I stick around, see what happens. And she eventually comes in and she goes a card and she opens it up and it says my favorite place to be is wherever you are. I gotta tell you boys it was the best buck 50 ever spent my life but we'll talk more about that tomorrow.

 

Okay, now. Number four barter with him. Now how does that work? Very simply, you become aware of something he wants to do. You know, you got something you want him to do for you. And you just say to him, honey, would you like to do this thing you would like to do? Yeah. Do this for me. And you can do that. What's the catch? There's no catch. So how he's doing and it's a trade out. You know, so guys likeness thing because we know what the rules are. And men are used to bartering. You know, that's why we do what we do in life. That's why we go out and work. I got to promise you if they didn't pay us, we probably wouldn't do it. You know I don't care how much you like your job if I didn't give you the cash. I don't think you do the job is all part of the bartering system. Men like that. Okay? Now the strongest bartering tool a woman has. We'll talk about tomorrow. That's terrible. I had one lady say to me, does that make me a prostitute? It's your husband, for crying out loud? Women have no idea the power they held over us. They have no idea I'm telling you could get a guy that do almost anything. He just come up to that boy and find something disgusting like cleaning the garage and say. Hey, baby. How'd you like ... ? Why yes I would? I tell you what, you go clean the garage. And then come and find me. Man, you got yourself a motivated boy.

 

I was listening to dr. John Gray talk along these lines. He's, he's the guy wrote that book. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Really a brilliant guy. And he was telling the story of how his wife came up to him said John, take me to the opera? The opera? I hate stupid opera. Dress up like a penguin and go out there. And right there a lot of you girls would wept, I think I will eat worms and die. She knew about this stuff. She just asked them again later. Hey, John. Yeah. Take me to the opera? No. John, yeah. Take to the opera? Okay. So now she's a happy girl. Now he's girl dressed up like a penguin. taking her to the opera and right there a lot of girls would go. I wish my stupid husband would take me to the opera. Seriously, a lot of you girls, you envy other women's husbands because they're always doing but you don't understand women who get their husbands doing this stuff. I know exactly what I'm talking about. They do this all the time. You start with you're heartbroken because you won't do these things. You think you should just cosmically do them on his own. So he takes to the opera indoors is mind numbing experience. On the way home she's holding his hand is lit up dddddd and and he says when we when we got home and I pulled him to the garage as soon as the garage door closed, she reached over and grabbed me and made love to me right in the car in the garage. I assume they weren't driving a subcompact?

 

You figure it out. Anyway. So anyway, the next morning he gets up early, and he makes a phone call. I was wondering how much your season tickets to the opera? Men's brains, women's brains. Women's brains. Don't think very highly of themselves. I'm too fat. I'm too tall. I'm to oily. Friends, men's brains we think very highly of ourselves. We love us, just ask we'll tell you, all you got to do is point a camera at a bunch of women and watch them freak. Point a camera to a bunch of guys what do you get? You ever watched a woman walked by a bunch of mirrors in a mall? Ever watch a guy? Still got it? They give me such a drag because their husbands tried to be nice to them and compliment them and me. I'm ugly. And then you know, why did you do that? Here's a secret. You want him to like you? Pushing him away and and you know that's such a such a drag. Ladies, do you know there are 3 billion women in the world? Who don't look like supermodels. And only eight who do? You see a pattern there. Do you know Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14? Not too many guys. Go on. I don't know. She's a little chubby I think for me. Did you know if Barbie were a real woman? She'd have to walk on all fours? Explain it to her later. Okay. I don't understand. Okay. Do you know the models in magazines? They're airbrushed. You know what that means? That means even those women don't look like those women. Constantly staring out so that these pictures are comparing yourself to these perfect women. Man I'd get depressed to my wife or buy one of those women's magazines or like this thick it's like an encyclopedia. 98% of them are just ads. Pictures of other women, beautiful, gorgeous, airbrushed women. Goodnight. You know one out of every four college age white girls has an eating disorder. Can I be politically incorrect here? You know who really has a problem in this area? You white women? It's a documented fact. Women of Color generally don't have this problem. See Hispanic women they walk like they own the world.

 

Black women take care of themselves. Typical white woman. I was watching this movie with Steve Martin and Queen Latifah. You see this movie. She's like the hot babe in this movie. She's a healthy girl J. She's all over the place. But you know what she came across as very sexy in that movie. You know why girls men are not looking for perfect women. You know what's attractive to a man. A confident woman. When women carry themselves in a confident way like that, it's very attractive to a man. You just be who you are. Just carry yourself with kindness. So you're not perfect. Nobody's perfect. Even the perfect women aren't perfect. Now tomorrow I'm going to be sharing with you when we do our little talk about sex. I'm going to reading from from one of the most amazing books, it's it's one of the most ancient books about sex. And it's in the Bible. It's called The Song of Songs of the Song of Solomon. And it's a very sexual book. A lot of people miss it because they're very poetic. They talk about pomegranates and blue, secret gardens and people, many people share in the gardening. What's the deal here? No, no it's not gardening, okay? It's about sex. We're gonna get that tomorrow. But tonight I want to just take a quick look at halfway through this book. He describes this woman that is absolutely crazy, but I want you to see his description of her. He says this. He says how beautiful your sandaled feet Oh, Prince's daughter. So apparently she had great feet. Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a Crossman's hands so she had great feet. Great legs. Your navel is a rounded gumnut so she's got great feet, great legs, but she's got an Audi. Your waist is a mound of wheat. So she's got great feet. Great legs out in a potbelly thing happening. Your two little itty bitty breasts. I do know she's got great feet. Great legs out he popped belly a little boobs. Your neck is like an ivory tower. She's got great feet great legs outy popped belly a little boobs and a big neck. Your nose is like the Tower of webinon.

 

She's got great feet great legs out of the pot bellied little boobs pig neck in a huge snuts. What does he say about her? Oh wow beautiful you are and how pleasing oh love with your delights. He was crazy about this woman. Men's brains. Women's brains. Give give give, give, give, give give give, by the way on this area have given take. A lot of a lot of women have really been not particularly Christian organizations and Christian women's clubs. You know, they have these Christian women's retreats and stuff. I call them estrogen fests and they're wonderful. They're great. If you're a woman, I guess, but a lot of you, I know what they're trying to say. But a lot of you've really gotten bad information or at least faulty information. This is what's being said in a lot of these. What they're saying is unconditional love, demands and unconditional relationship.

 

Unconditional Love demands an unconditional relationship. You should do anything for this man, you should just put up for this man. If you want sex, no matter why just give it to him. It all sounds spiritual. And it all sounds wonderful. The only problem is, it is patently false. Unconditional Love demands a conditional relationship. The Bible is nothing if it is not a one big gigantic list of conditions. Are you hearing me? Who does the guy just love everybody? Yeah, Whosoever you got so loved the world that it gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes conditional law. You have to do something. Yes. You want God to get close to you? You know, the Bible says, what you have to do. You have all conditions. You have, the whole thing is unconditional. I'm sorry. Yeah, an unconditional relationship will destroy your marriage. It will destroy in a relationship. an unconditional relationship with a child will create a hellion an unconditional relationship with a teenager he'll destroy himself and take everybody can with him. It is not healthy. It is not good. It is not holy. It sounds right. But it is not right. You girls need to get comfortable with this idea of taking in your relationships. Putting some conditions. Now the stronger the relationship, the stronger the conditions can be. You need to be careful. All right, and I know I'm putting a lot of weight on the girls tonight all beat up on the guys tomorrow. But you know that the stronger the relationship, the stronger the condition, you got to be careful. It's kind of like, you know, if I play hide and seek with my grandsons, you know, you hide behind something, you know that they can still see you.

 

Alright, come and come and find me. And, you know, you know, you don't play hide and seek with a two year old and run into the basement and hide under boxes. Because he won't get it he just you know, so you got to watch the conditions in a healthy relationship. You can have higher and stronger conditions. But you're not going to get there if you just never require something out of the guy. Okay, and some guys you know, they don't like any conditioning guys, this is healthy for it's not right. for her to constantly be giving to you never getting anything back. And girls do you can change you got to get comfortable. This is healthy for your relationships to take back. Most guys don't mind you taken back, what we've get frustrated with is you expecting us to be like you. We're just gonna do this. cosmically, like you're gonna somehow interpret your internal feelings and we don't do that well. Okay, but you've got to this is a healthy thing for you. But I had a lady at a conference just a few weeks ago, she's crying her eyes out. And I said, What's the matter? She's my husband, he'll never talk to me. I said, Never, never. He never. If he would just talk to me just for just for a little bit. I feel so much better, she is crying. I said, how's your love life? Oh, it's okay.

 

Let me see if I get this. A man who never talks to you. When he wants sex. You just give it to him. Why'd you do that? Well, because I am supposed to, that is what we are told to do. Sweetheart, you've gotten bad information. Well, doesn't the Bible say we shouldn't deny each other, of course. But acceptance doesn't mean you can have conditions. Here's an example. If you're trying to get a mortgage for your home, and the bank calls you up and says, hey, you have been accepted. We have approved your loan. You just need to come sign some papers, and they hang up. Have you been rejected or accepted? You just been accepted man. You're excited. Cool, cool, cool, but you have to go to what? Sign some papers. I said the next time your husband wants to make love to you, you say honey, I will knock your socks off. But we're gonna talk for five minutes first. That's fine. That's Healthy you can do that. Yeah, you can do that. Most guys don't mind, my you know, again, get us in that position start picking back from us. But again, you got to be careful you got to be careful. If your relationships real weak you can be demanding real heavy things.

 

The heavier the stronger the ratio, the tougher you can be. Here's an example my wife, we have a very good relationship. all summer long she's been telling me to kill the spiders in the house and in the garage and the outside around the house. We live near water and spiders love water under spiders everywhere. And I went and bought the poison and stuff to kill him. But I didn't feel like doing it. So, she was on me for weeks, but killing the spider. Yeah, I will do that, yeah. So finally she walks in one morning, she just is happy as can be and everything's good. She says, oh, by the way, no more sex until you kill the spider. And she walked away. On the first day, I didn't kill any stupid spiders. Second day, didn't kill any stupid spiders. Third day I'm killing every spider within a mile of this place. I sprayed our house, I spray the neighbor's houses. I sprayed every, did I want to do it? No. Did she care? Nope. She's getting stuff out of the boy. Men's brains, woman brains. In closing, I want to talk to you about how men's brains and women's brains are portrayed in movies. You have guy flicks, and you have chick flicks. Now a guy flick is only a guy flick. As long as somebody is dying. And the more horribly they die.

 

The more we love it. Some guy gets his head chopped off he goes oh yes. Dude rewind. Play it again. And you know what this appeals to all men of every culture around the world. There is something that God put in the heart of every man that just lights up with the idea of all living your adventures and conquering your adversaries and going for your dreams. You see the even the smallest of boys you girls that have little boys you know what I'm talking about? They're always doing something dangerous. Stop that stop you are going to poke your eyes out. That's the point mom. Can't lose an eye what is the point of playing. It wasn't a woman who invented football. And well we like that there's there's something just blesses the heart of a man when he watches one man kick another man's butt. Yeah. light upon the inside. You can't possibly read the Bible and not see that God is a first class number one grade a butt kicker. Not a chance. Even even at the end of the Bible, it says someday Jesus is gonna come back and he's gonna be riding on a white horse and his robes are going to be dipped in the sweetest perfume that he got from Bath and Body works. Is that what it says? No robes are gonna be dipped in what? Blood and Arnold will go, oh shit. She's gonna get their butts kicked. Now women's movies, chick flicks are all different chick flicks about connecting the wires. oh haha. Chick flick can be two and a half hours of for women sitting around a kitchen table talking. And she'll be watching and going. And her husband's watching it with her going. But she just loves it.

 

And these movies, they appeal to all women of every culture in the world, why there's something God put in the heart of every woman that says, connect the wires, and it's all about relationships and relationships. One of the reasons why married men make more money than single men, is that married men become more skilled in their relationships and become more successful in life, they become more valuable to their employers. Because when a man marries a woman, he's marrying a handbook on relationships. It's true. It's absolutely true. single men remain as they came into the world, clueless. Married men get feedback, and they start learning but you got to listen to her. No, no, we don't like listening to you. I gotta be honest with you. Yeah, I'll come up with some great plan. And my wife will say that, and I knew that. Well, what are you talking about? I'm telling you to bad idea. Hey you guys, oh, yeah, we'd better not do that. I just, I just feel it in my spirit. Not as different as the chick flicks and the guy flicks are from each other. There is one theme they both share that is the same. And that is this. The hero always goes back for the girl.

 

You see the guy flicks, man. They're just fighting their battles. And they're on the edge of victory. And suddenly the hero starts to pull back. And as men say, Where are you going? He says, going without me boys. I got something I got to do. And at great risk to himself, he goes back for the girl. And he rescues the girl. And guys watch that on the screen we go. Women have the same thing. The boy always comes back for her. I was watching this chick flick, Jerry Maguire, you see this one. And in this movie, they'd broken up and finally he wins the big contract. And and he realizes it doesn't mean anything because he doesn't have her, and he quick hops on a plane and he flies home and he walks into the house and she's there with a bunch of her girlfriends. And he walks in unexpectedly and and they look up and he goes, hello. And she says, What are you doing here? And he starts to explain to her that he finally succeeded and gotten everything he dreamed up. But it meant nothing without her. And he said to her that you complete me. And she goes on. All the girls see that? All I'm saying to your boys is this. Do what's in your heart. Live your dreams. Live your adventures, overcome your obstacles. Do what you gotta do. Just don't forget about the girl.

 

I've never met a man who was a financial success and who had lost his family who ever said to me, you know, it was worth it. It's never worth it. Don't be like Adam, you remember Adam in the Garden of Eden. Women say where would you be without women? Say, Garden of Eden. But, I know it's not fair. Really. Adams job was to guard the guard to take care of the garden. He fell down on the job. Well, that's serpent around, he should have kicked that thing out on its butt. I don't know if serpents headbutts but they don't now. When God takes care of man, I'm telling you lose your butt all together. But you know what happened? He didn't do anything. So how do you know? Because you read the story. He listened to the story and then took up the forbidden fruit and then turn and handed it to who? Adam. Ah, she didn't have to go running through the jungle going. He was right there the whole time. He said nothing. He did nothing. Do you know why? Because he was a coward. He was a coward and the father of cowards of men who claimed to be men, but they're no more men than the men of the moon. They are spineless jellyfish impersonators who are afraid to engage their wives afraid to engage their children. You sir are no man. Don't be like that Adam, you need to be like the second Adam. You see, the Bible refers to Jesus Christ as the second Adam the first Adam messed everything up the second Adam set everything straight. And a great cost to himself. He came back for the girl. He came back for you and for me. That is a man. You need to be like that. Live your adventures. Yes. Go for your dreams. Yes. Overcome your obstacles. Yes, yes. Yes. Just don't forget about the girl. Don't get so caught up in your puking life you forget about her. You start working too late. At some point you just stand up sorry, heading for the door. All the guys will say hey, where are you going? Just say go on without me boys. I got something I got to do. And then go back for the girl surrounded in the camp of the enemy by wild monsters. You mean like in the movies? No, I mean your children. All I'm saying to you is do what's in your heart. It's in the heart of every man here. And it's in the heart of every woman here. Don't forget about her. Don't neglect her. Do what you need to do. But make sure that you go back for the girl. Are you glad you came tonight?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: How Does He or She Do That - Dr. Mark Gungor

 

Is our differences that attract us to each other? And then they drive us crazy. In a lot of the struggle that happens in relationships is fundamentally trying to get you to be like me. Why can't you be like me? Why can't you be more like me? Why can't you think act and respond? Like Me? Because he hit you that's why. And we start really fighting fundamentally who they are. It is the craziest thing. What is wrong with all of us, I don't know what it is. But we feel that difference. Oh, there's something really special about that person. Yeah, you know what it is that they're the exact opposite of you. You're finally found someone who's just the flip side of the coin go? Oh, yes, yes, yes. And there's that sense of completeness, you know, because, you know, together, you guys make a good person. All right. But because we're all a little unbalanced, we need that person to balance us out. But then we get married and oh man it just starts driving us crazy. Now, what I've discovered is most couples don't understand what those differences are. They know there's something there, but they don't really get it. And we start fighting against fundamentally what the other person loves the most about life. Because what they love the most about life is usually not what we love the most about life. And couples have a real hard time expressing these feelings and these emotions and finding a way of clarifying just exactly who they are on the inside. And we've developed a program that helps couples to do this is called the flag page. And it was written by a good friend of mine, Larry Balada, a brilliant man who discovered the key to helping people succeed is showing them what's right about them, not what's wrong with them. So much of our efforts to help people starts with the premise, well, let's find out what's wrong with you.

 

A lot of couples counseling is let's focus on what's wrong with you. Now, I don't know how many of you are aware of this. And if you're a counselor, something here, you know, don't and you have a different result, don't get mad at me or throwing anything. But the truth of the matter is, most people are not aware of it. But most counseling fails miserably. By and large, they have an 80% plus failure rate. Can you imagine going to a doctor where 80% of the people came out dead? That's contemporary marriage counseling, marriage therapy. And I'll tell you what, churches, pastoral counseling, marriage counseling isn't much better. Some of them is equally as bad. That's why a lot of pastors hate doing it. Because as soon as a church gets big enough, they hire somebody else to do it. Because it sucks the life out of him. And it's frustrating, and they're not succeeding, you know, they when they want to give up on the deal. We, one of the reasons why they struggle and fail so much is because the premise is wrong. They start focusing on what's wrong with you, you know, the bring in a couple and say, Okay, well, what's wrong? Why Is that wrong?

 

Don't you think it's wrong to do what's wrong. It's like trying to lose weight by thinking about food all day long. The focus, we've discovered, if you get people to discover what's right about them, they come alive, it changes the dynamic. And while so many people have an 80% failure rate, using this approach, we have discovered an 88% success rate. With couples, no one was more shocked than I because I was like a lot of other ministers, you know, ministers. We do marriage counseling by default. You know, they come to their minister they want they want help and Okay, you know, we get like one class on it kind of thing, you know, and we typically just beat you over the head with the Bible, you know, and then hope you hope you change, but so, you know, I failed just like everybody else. And when we started using this approach, the turnaround in couple's lives is one wow, this is absolutely amazing. And and we continue to fine tune and develop this program. And we use it with couples all across America all over the world, actually, to help them discover what's right about them.

 

We call the program, the flag page. And this program is a very unique program. It's I don't know how many of you have ever taken a personality test or anything like that. They asked 250 questions and stuff and I hate those things as much as you do. That's not what this is. This is not a personality test. We don't care about your personality. Twisted as though it may be, okay. This program focuses on one thing and that is what do you love about life? What is important to you? That's it. We tried to measure passion alright. Now, it's a test that you do online, you go on the computer, you go online, you enter a code, you don't have to purchase this little code, you enter the code, and then you can go in and do the program. The program consists very simply of three steps. It's so simple. When I first took it, I thought, This is stupid. It can't possibly be accurate. And I was blown away by the results. But the three steps are very simply number one, it gives you a list of words. And then you simply click all the words you believe describe you. Now this is not what you wish you were.

 

Alright, because a lot of you girls, yeah, I wish I was that. You know. It'll just look like somebody else is on it is okay. You look like what you wish. We don't care about that. Don't think in those terms. This isn't what you wish you were This isn't what your mama told you. You had to be. Okay. This is yes, that describes me yes or no. You pick the ones, you click a button, you go to step two, you rate on a scale of one to 10 how specific words make you feel, you know, 10 makes it feels makes me feel great one not so good. Five in the middle, whatever. Then you get Step three, where you prioritize those, the ones that are the most important to you, you push the button, and then in seconds, you get this turnout. We call it the flag page. On this program, it'll show you why you act, the way you act, why you react, the way you react, where you're most likely to succeed in life, and most importantly, the five things that you love the most about life. Now, let me explain very briefly, just the top portion of it. That's the most powerful part of it. And we're gonna start with this area in the corner here that shows these these pictures. What we do the first thing this thing does is breaks you into four temperament categories. Control, fun, perfect peace.

 

We call them countries, fun country control country, perfect country peace country. Why? Because it's like coming from different countries. Different countries have different traditions, different countries have different ways of looking at things. I used to use the analogy of like someone from China trying to relate to someone from Yugoslavia or something. But we discovered a really better example is like someone from the United States trying to relate to someone from England, or from Australia, or from South Africa. Why? Because we all speak English, we assume there's a general assumption we understand each other. But if you've ever been in these countries, you can find out in a hurry. different words mean different things. And you can insult people very, very quickly. We were in England some years ago, and I met this young couple and they had this little boy about two years old little toddler running around. I love kids, and I'm goofing around with this little kid at some point. I said, come here, a little bugger. And I'm reaching out to grab him. All of a sudden, the parents grabbed his hand and just stormed out of the room.

 

I was stunned. I looked at the guy next message, so what happened? He said, well, over here a bugger is a homosexual. That is not what I meant. Okay. And when I told the couple, I apologizes, you know, I'm sorry. That's not what I meant. That's not what it means where I come from in Wisconsin, alright. But you know, they didn't care. They didn't care. They stayed offended. They stayed upset, because you don't do that in our country. I don't know how many of you follow little political things. But when the first president Bush went over to Australia, he was in a motorcade, and he was waving at the crowd. And he was using some hand gesture, I don't remember what it was. But over there, it's the equivalent of flipping everybody off. Like going down and on and on. People got upset and offended, because he has apologized. laters, because over there, that's what that means, but not where we come from. And it's like that from these emotional countries. We have our way of viewing things, we have words, that means certain things. And we're motivated by different things than people from other countries. And inevitably, people seem to marry people from completely opposite countries.

 

Not always but a lot of the times it's very, very funny to watch. Now, let me give you a quick breakdown on these four countries. First of all, we have the square black and white country of control. These are the people who just want to get her done. Alright, their favorite vehicle is the bulldozer. Bulldozer plow everybody over to get something accomplished, you know, and it's raw, that they're focused on what they're doing, not who they're killing while they're doing it. Because their greatest desire in life is they want appreciation for what they do. They want appreciation for it. They want to I want you to appreciate me, I told you last night how men like to be appreciated. Men like this really want to be appreciated. But there's women like this too. They just they want appreciation for what they do. Now these people generally, depending on how passionate they are about it, they're so strong about it that the last thing in the world you want to do is appreciate them. Right? In fact, will say things like, dear God don't appreciate him. Right? So we all the rest of us from other countries feel it's our God given responsibility to deny them what they want the most.

 

And then we wonder why people get upset. We wonder why they feel depressed. We wonder why people struggle in life. Why? Because what they desire the most is being forbidden to them, by everybody closest to them and their lives. You're not helping your spouse by denying what they want. it'll seem odd to you, because you don't want it. I mean to all of us, you know, that's weird. And in every country, they each have something that's the rest of us seems weird, but to them, it's its breath and life to them. These people want to be appreciated. They like words like grass, control, get her done, appreciate, accomplish, achieve. That's the word that they come from. Alright, then the next one is we have the star shaped country of fun. This is where I come from. Right? Now, these are the people, they just want to have fun. We love it. And our favorite vehicle is the jet plane. High Speed no limits.

 

Of course, we're famous for smashing into walls, and and not seeing where we're going. And of course, we think is hilarious. Yeah, no, we just get them take off again. And it's not so funny to your spouse. Who's tired of seeing you smashing the walls all the time, right? But we don't care. Our greatest desire is look at me, look at me, look at me. We love to be noticed. Fun people love to be noticed their favorite environment is being noticed in a crowd of people just as fun people. That's why they'll share horribly embarrassing situations that you would never share is true. Why can they do that? Because we just look at me. We don't care. Look at me. Look at me. I was in Ohio and I got on one of these shuttle buses, you know from the airport to the rental car thing and this lady hops on the bus and she's says wow. You know, fun people are wow. Wow. Wow. Right. And, and she's just talking the lady's hilarious. She's got us all laughing on the bus, right?

 

I knew right away what country she came from, you know, she's she was in and she just come back from Rhode Island, which is about the size of a postage stamp. And describing how it took her nine hours to get from the airport to her hotel. Now, it only takes 20 seconds to drive across Rhode Island, but it took him nine hours. And she's describing how they kept going in circles and stuff like that. And she thought it was hilarious. It's embarrassing. And then she says no, we finally got to the hotel and it was his hotel. And it was so neat because when we looked outside it had the biggest fullest moon we ever saw. It was so beautiful. And she's describing it in detail and she's kind of pulling us all in. And she says the most amazing thing about it is it never moved all night it stayed in that same spot. And I'm thinking really she says the next morning we got a big laugh right outside our window. You realize she's sharing this with complete strangers.

 

She doesn't care. All right, she just loves to have fun and loves to be noticed. We're not real big on details. You know, we're a little scatterbrained we're the kind of people will go to a shopping mall, and we'll come out and we have no idea where the car is. And we think it's hilarious because your spouse is not nearly as entertained by this highly irritated okay. And why do we do these people they want to be noticed but all you fund people what have you heard all your life from people oh God don't notice them. Don't encourage them. Don't encourage them, so everybody closes to you works the hardest to deny you what you want the most. And if they succeed you will be depressed. You will be frustrated you will not be happy, if they win. There's this constant war between the countries here now look at the words they like to use really happy, good time, funny great, Haha. Now a lot of I we get a lot of people from fun country coming to my event because it's called laugh your way to a better marriage and they just they're just title alone they're in.

 

Ah, okay, let's go. And what are they doing? They're trying to sell everybody by using their words. So if they're married to a control person, they're coming up saying, Oh, come on, you need to come, it'll be really fun. It'll be really great. Oh, that's such a blast. But you're speaking Swahili to the sky. See? Because not not, there's not one word you said that appeals to him at all. They'll go on to be really fun to be really funny, be really fun. We all like using our own language. And then we can't even begin to comprehend why the phrase really front fan doesn't motivate you to come. Alright, if you really wanted to succeed, with Mr. Control, or Mrs. Control, you would use their language, you would say, honey, you know, we ought to go to this thing. Because we'll be able to achieve more in our marriage, we'll be able to accomplish more, we'll be able to get more done, we'll succeed more in our relationship. Now you're talking his language? Do you see the difference. But we don't want to do that. We don't even care what the other languages, we just want to use our language. And it gets us in trouble. So this is important to try and understand. Then we have the people from the diamond shaped, hard, perfect world of perfect. And these are the people they just want to get it right. It's just details, details, details that you view the world under a magnifying glass. And, and they're always looking for flaws. And there was their way of saying I love you is let me tell you what's wrong with you. You know what I'm talking, some of you got that you you always telling your spouse, you know, you need to quit doing that you need to do this better. Why didn't you know, this is their version of love. If they didn't, if they didn't care, they'd let you just burst into flames, they wouldn't care. here about to drive over a cliff, they don't know you, they don't care to see.

 

You know, but they love you, they're always pointing out what's wrong, and how you can be better. These people they're perfect. Their ideal vehicle is the train. That's because unless this rail is exactly it has to be exactly from the same distance from this rail, or the train is not going to move. These people are often accused of being controlled, control freaks. And they're not and they get mad. If you have a spouse that you say you're you're just a control freak, and they get mad at you. I promise you, they're not a control freak. They're probably a perfect person. Control people. When you accuse a control person or being a control person. You know what they do? They go, Oh, that's right. That's right on my control. Get out of my way. Yeah. But perfect, people are often accused of being controlled. But the reason that feels like their control, because they're always stopping the train. They're train stoppers, they're not controllers, they're not trying to control the environment. As control people like to control the environment. They like to do this, do that. Put this here do that. They light up with that. But it couldn't have been perfect people. They just want to get it right. That's that's their desire to get it right. Let's get it right. Let's get it now. It doesn't mean it is right. It's just right to them. These are the people that if they were on the Titanic, the only thing they would be concerned about is that the furniture stay arranged on that. The residents will be on. I'm sorry, it's policy, we got to keep these chairs over here. Because that's what it says in the manual.

 

You know, you ever run into somebody like that, that it seems like for the lack of every bit of common sense in the world, they cannot see it because it's in the manual. That's the way these are perfect people, they they make some of the greatest workers in the world because they'll do they'll follow you know, the manual to death, you know. Now, these are by nature, the most creative people in the world. Your best architects, your best artists, your best designers, your best musicians, Janet comes from the world of perfect, it's her highest score, they take details, and they make them come alive. They are creative geniuses. All right. But they are by nature, the world's most sensitive people. And what they desire more than anything is really not perfection. They just want you to be sensitive to their feelings, which is something you'd never even connect that you think well they want perfection. They want to view stuff they want everything No, no their greatest desire sensitivity of their feelings. It really throws everybody because no one picks that up because they're always throwing darts at everybody. That's wrong. That's wrong. That's wrong. Wrong. Okay. And then we try and throw the darts back at them. Okay, if they don't handle it very well.

 

They don't like it. They get their feelings hurt all the time. Perfect. People always walk around, they're always hurting all the time. People are always offending them. They're and they feel things very, very deeply. A lot of them carry a lot of hurt and pains from even years ago. It's a real struggle for them. Again, they're creative, brilliant geniuses, God loves them and God made you the way you are. But they have a real hard time letting go of stuff to control people. If you have fun offender control child, he'll push past it. You offend a fun childhood laugh at off, you find a piece child, he'll make peace with it, you will find a perfect child, and they can carry the pain of that well into adulthood, some of them for the rest of their lives. If you have perfect children, you need to be very careful with them. They're very, very sensitive people again, they're brilliant. They're wonderful people the most misunderstood people when I'm flying home at 35,000 feet. I'm really hoping the guy who designed that came from perfect country, and not from fun country. Cuz all we care about is that it looked cool. And if it blows up we go. Oh, man, did you see that? Let's make another one. You know, so he is. They like words like ideal, right? details, feel that sort of thing. All right. Then we have the final country. The country of peace. These are the people who just want to get along with everybody. Can't we all just get along? I call it the Rodney King motivation. Can't we all just get along. You know, their favorite vehicle is the gondola on calm waters. They hate emotional waves. They just hate it. Inevitably these people married people who do belly flops in the pool. They just hate it drives them crazy.

 

This picture of a person in a hammock while mowing the lawn that's not laziness to these people that's efficiency. Stay calm, just stay calm, they like words like no hassle the easy way relax low maintenance, smart. This is like doing things you know with as little discomfort as possible now these people's greatest desire the control and fun of the easiest to recognize what their desire is perfect and peace is harder perfect I explained you but please people what the greatest desire is for you to respect who they are that's what they really want. The problem is these are the easiest people in the world to disrespect, it is because they're so nice. And they're so placid and so bendable. There's and when anybody from the other countries run into a peace person, we immediately think here's a chance for a comfort. That is all we do, we can get him to the dark side. Follow the dark side because we think because they're so nice when they really need what we have and we can bring them to our side so control people you know they they come to a peace person say you need to get more done in your life and a piece personal goal. Okay. And the fun personal say you need to be more excited about life. No don't. Okay. Perfect person said you need to get it right. Yes, yes, you're right.

 

And you can push them along just so far these people will all of a sudden shut down on you in a heartbeat. And the reason it'll shock you to say what happened is because at some point you start disrespecting them and you start insulting them, they'll put up with a lot because they're peace people by nature. They'll they'll suffer The slings and arrows of many outrageous fortunes okay? But you start insulting who they are, they will they'll shut down you they'll go cold will get really upset. A control person pushes too hard. It makes a peace person feel stupid. You make a person starting to feel stupid, they'll really get upset with you. A fun person can make them feel like a dud. You make them feel like a dud. They will shut down. You know a perfect person make him feel like a failure. You start making a feel that way you're insulting them, they will shut down on you. If war breaks out between the other three countries, these people all hide. And they come out and join whoever won at the end. Which makes the other two want to kill them. Okay, so. So that's the temperament thing, this is just the beginning. This is why you act, the way that you act the way that you approach life, then what this program does is it measures what we call your hard motivations, versus your soft motivations. Now, soft means calm, patient, peaceful, low key, easy going hard, sounds bad, but it's not bad. It's greatest, wonderful, strong willed, bold, born leader, organized, self sufficient people. These are wonderful, wonderful people. And sadly, in you know, in the world that I come from in churches, we tend to really favor soft people, you know, and we kind of dislike hard people, but it's very, very unfair, because they're both wonderful. You know, God has both in him, Thou shalt not is pretty hard. Right?

 

When Jesus was whipping people in throwing him out of church, that's a little on the hard side. Alright, but then he also was compassionate, and forgave people, even their most outrageous offenses. And that was the soft side. So you know why God is perfect. You know, we have varying degrees of all this, and this program actually measures this in you. It's very, very interesting. And then we'll start with this part of it. But this is the what we call the flag, hence the name flag page. And this shows you your top five motivations, the five things you love the most about life, and we do them in order of importance to you. And this is really significant, because oftentimes, couples not only failed to appreciate what the other person loves, but they criticize in them. And when you start criticizing what an other what the other person loves the most about life, it really causes a great deal of pain. When you start tearing at their heart, we have a phrase that says don't step on my flag, you know. And the problem is, we all appreciate the things that we love the most when we see your spouse's flag, you don't get nearly as excited about it, you get thrilled by your own but you look at there's no that's too bad.

 

Now, we're gonna take a break, when we come back, I'm going to show you I've got a couple of couples, guinea pigs that have already taken this program and I'm going to bring them up on the stage. And I'm going to go through a just a part of their flag with them so you can kind of get a sense of how this program works and how couples can try and learn so much about each other and learn how to succeed with each other. So we'll do that when we come right back. All right.

 

Okay, we have with us now Keith and Dana Stasser. Stasser, Okay, and we're gonna look at at the Stasser are my next guinea pigs here? Okay, so we look at Keith. This is a fun guy. He likes being up here. Look at me. Okay. 188, boys on drugs, man. Loves fun, just. Just Just great sense of humor life of the party. Never a dull moment. Can you tell? Can you tell, can you get it down? 188, okay, 78 perfect. Fun, perfect. People. We call these people the world's greatest entertainers are the most creative people. You know, they have fun, but they get it right. They get it right and they have fun.

 

Then he has a p score of only 63 a control score of only 27 he barely has a pulse. Who just happens to be married to, 203, of the chart. That is rare, that is to see 200 get her done. His girls. So Mr. Tony three control is married to Mrs. 203 control. I can't believe it. Now her next highest one is peace. So she's what we call a controlled peaceful and peace control woman, we call these people, the world's greatest managers why they get stuff done, but they get along with people, they get along with people, but they get stuff done. That's her world. That's the world that she moves in. Okay, now whoops, wrong button. Now, key we measure here is hard and soft. Look at the difference here. 89 is very high on the soft side, very low on the hard side. Here's the guy who's very much a soft hearted guy desires to be very relational. That's a huge jump 89, usually, and I don't know Keith, but usually guys like this. If you force them to go into the hard side, you don't like the result. These guys, they get upset, they go psycho on you.

 

They'll use a bomb to kill a fly. They will nuke the joint I mean they will go off on you. And the good news is you don't see very often when you see that just freaks you out. And you don't have to get so upset, which only makes them more upset. The reason they get so upset and the reason they so overreact, usually, in tough situations is they don't like being there. what they're trying to do is kick back to the soft side. They don't like being there. I think of the Incredible Hulk. Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry. Okay. Now, Dana is a balancing woman. She can be comfortable doing black and white, as well as being very relational. It's harder for him to be confrontational and, and direct with people, but not for you. Okay, which, which it's a lovely thing. The reason that can mess with you and I don't know you guys, but a lot of couples, they can feel bad about that. Because our culture approves of hard.

 

Men, like the first guy was here, and soft women. We don't particularly care for tough women and soft men. And a lot of times they can feel like there's something wrong with there's nothing wrong with you. This is exactly who God made you to be. And it's fine. You might find yourself in a situation where you'll be saying to him, why can't you tell the kids, No? Why can't you call that guy and say, why can't you? Why can't you be a man or whatever words you want to use? The thing is, is because he doesn't like that. If it's confrontational, if it's hard, he will let you take over really quickly. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with this. In fact, a woman who's a big control tons of confidence, quick the action, you know, she just raw, you know, there's nothing wrong with that. It's great. A lot of times in churches, we criticize strong women, particularly to women who like to who by nature are quick to make decisions quickly, quick, and to lead and especially in tough situations. And we think you know, you're usurping authority, baloney. They're not usurping authority. See, we misunderstand that in this nation, in this Western culture. Because we think authority is tied to what you do. Whoever does the most has the authority, wrong. And Eastern culture, they understand authority is not based on what you do, it's based on who you are.

 

So they have kings and that sort of thing. You know, we fought wars to get rid of kings, but they have kings and stuff. And they, whether a king is a great king or a bum is irrelevant. He's still the king, they understand that it's based on who you are, not what you do. And we have a hard time with that. Even in, in eastern religious culture, a lot of their worship songs celebrate the Christ and, and the inherent godhead that was in Jesus and and they celebrate Christ for who he who he is, in Western culture, our songs are all about, let's celebrate Jesus for what he's done. Everything's about doing here. And we misunderstand, we think because a woman's doing a lot she's taking no, that has nothing to do with authority. best example of that, and the Old Testament is when you read the story about Joseph in Egypt, he the pharaoh put him in charge of everything. Joseph made every decision about everything he called all the shots in Egypt, the Bible says, there was that one thing that Joseph was not in charge for and responsible for. If you came into Egypt, you swore Joseph was the Pharaoh, but was also for Pharaoh?

 

Never, never, never at one time the people even think he was the Pharaoh. Why? Because they got it. They did not know the pharaoh did sit around eating bonbons all day long. I have no idea. But it was irrelevant. What you do does not make you the king. It's who you are. Okay. That I know that helps it all. The it's good for you to be who you are. This is the way God wired you miss 203 control, tons of confidence and I can do anything and don't get in my way. Okay. And she loves that now, Miss, you know, tough girl is married to Mr. Sincere at heart. He's a warm, fuzzy guy. You know, again, thoughtful, genuine, compassionate, likes to have fun never doll moment, faithful. You know? And she's this quick action. Confident, atomistic I can do anything is possible. Follow me. She also sincere heart also has the great sense of humor. Bottom line, if she gets this fulfilled in her life, do you just looking at these words makes you feel good, doesn't it? Oh, yeah. I'm telling you, you have to do it to see it. I'm working on things. I think that's nice. But when I see mine, I was gonna you know, I just I love it. That's how powerful this stuff is. And the same for Keith, when he sees that he scores. Yes, yes, that's me. This is wonderful. This is great. The problem is now if you want to have a bad marriage, you just start criticizing him. For these things. Always goofing around, you know, be real about everything. You're never ever goofing off. You know, you're gonna quit goof navidi more serious about life. What's the matter with you? Okay, you criticize her for always trying to be in charge. Everything's gonna be great. Sometimes things are lousy. Need to be more real. And when you do that now, so you can say that to me, it wouldn't hurt me. Because I don't have any of this, alone. Alright, I'm more than that. You do that to her. Now you're tearing in her heart. You're tearing at who she is. A lot of times what you criticize most in your spouse is what they happen to love the most in life.

 

You don't even know it. They've never told you. And then you wonder why you're struggling and why you're hurting each other so much. This program will help you discover it. Let's take a look at Dana and Keith rules for feeling loved. Dana's rule for feeling left tons of confidence. encouraged and release me to go to the next level. She She wants you to approve of her being this big control, get her done, chick. That's her number one rule for feeling love. That's right, you know that number, she's got number 2-3-4-5, by the way, she hasn't done all of this yet, okay, but you work this through and you come up with their five rules for feeling love. It's impossible for her not to feel happy if you respect those in her life. And for Keith, sincere at heart, his number one rule is I need you to sincerely appreciate me. And when he said sincere it means to be real, you got to be very, very real with him. Again, these guys who have sincere they can smell phony a mile away. They can tell when you're being, you know, just blowing smoke at them, you know, the more real you are with them. And you appreciate it, the more he'll come to life. And again, he also has 2-3-4-5. And again, you get these five rules in their lives. And they these people will come to life and they will succeed at a level and check it out. Neither one of them has to change. And they can be completely happy. I believe you could stick virtually any two people in the world together. This is not eharmony.com. Okay.

 

We do not care about that. This is a trying to find, you know, why are we the most like it doesn't matter if you have exactly the same stuff, or you're totally different. Bottom line is if you will respect, honor and encourage each other, just these five things, stop and think about that. I could you do this program, I can show you five things, if you will do those five things, you will have a happy wife take it to the bank. You do five things I can show you how you can have an absolutely thrilled and encouraged happy man in your life. But a lot of us don't even know what they are we never talked about. That's the power of this program. All you have to do is when you do the program again, you just have to go online and enter the code. Now when you buy my book, The where's where's the copy of the book? There's a copy of the book over here. Very professional on the floor here. Okay. Here's a copy of my book. Very professional. Yes. Anyway, it's blue. And it's called discovering your heart with the flag page. And when you get the book, it comes with a code in the back and you take the code and you go online and you enter the sim now you need one code for each person. So if you want to get the book and you want one for your spouse, you'll have to buy a coat by the code. The codes are only $10 they're very affordable, and it's certain for 10 bucks man to find out what you can find in this thing is absolutely life changing. And I'll tell you who this is really great for, teenagers.

 

Nobody's more confused about who they are in life. Then us teenagers. And unlike an adult who wants you to understand them, teenagers don't want you to understand. It's true. They're blowing smoke all the time trying to confuse you, you get this program, and you'll find out. And this is this can be life changing. I had a man who came up to me about a year and a half ago, and he looked at me says, I want you to know something, you saved our family. So what do you mean? He said, we had a daughter, who was so different from us, we never understood her. And we were always at war with her. And she was always in trouble. She was always depressed, and she tried to commit suicide, raised in the church all her life, tried to take her life. We were so heartbroken. He said, we heard about this, this programming, and your book, and he says, we did this with her. And we came up with her five rules to feel loved. And when I saw her five rules to feel loved, he says, I wept, because I realized I had been breaking all five of those all the time. And he says, and sincerely pastor, he says, I never knew it. I never know. But when I saw that, I determined, I'm going to start respecting what this young girl needs. He said, The change in her was dramatic. And it is, when you start giving people what they truly need in life, that change is powerful and dramatic.

 

He says the turnaround in her her attitude change. She's up and positive. She's in school today, she's even thinking about going into the ministry. That was the power of understanding her heart and recognizing who she is. There's lots of reasons why we struggle with us today, lots of psychological and sociological reasons that I talked a little bit about in the book, but it doesn't matter who cares why we're, we're where we're at you and I don't have the power to change our culture, just so that you know, our culture the way it is today has given people we've given birth to entire generations now who are completely clueless about who they are. It wasn't like that for a very, very long time throughout history, but it is that way now. This program will help you to center on the inside, understand who you are, who God made you to be. And I'll tell you who really was impacted by this program and fell in love with it big time with me. Because all my life I had been criticized for doing and being who I was, are you kidding? A pastor, you know, somebody's a box good onstage. Fun, loves people, inspiration, you know, I love to make people laugh. And this does static, I got all my life, you can do that. You can you can start goofing around with you. You don't always got to be in front of people, you need to be more humble. All from men who did not have any of those things in their hearts. They didn't have it. I had it. Something's wrong with me. All my adult life. I spent the majority of my time I'm a musician.

 

I'm very good at what I do. I was also a video producer. And churches loved hiring me because I was in charge of their music programs and help do their multimedia and stuff. And, and I said, here's a guy who loves to be in front of people inspire people, I spent the majority of my day in a dark room with a computer or a keyboard, nananananana. And the thing is, I'm very good at, and I was told all my life, All that matters is you're good at what you do, wrong. It's important that you love what you do. And when I saw that print out, I was heartbroken. I said, Oh yeah, that's me. It's too bad. Seriously, I thought that I thought that was what was wrong with me. And Larry, the guy who developed this program was showing this to me says, No, no, no, this is what's right about you as a not what everybody hates about me. So I don't know what they hate about you. But this is who you are. And you need to be this. And I remember taking it to the senior pastor I worked and he looked he says is this really how you feel? He says yes at the man you need to change your life. And you need and he helped me launch into what I'm doing today. And I'm touching millions of people's lives, doing all the stuff everybody told me I couldn't do. So to all those people who said I couldn't do it. That's what I got to say. Alright, thank you guys. God bless you. When we come back. We're gonna do the Yo mama session, the number one key to incredible sex. See in a few minutes. All right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: How to Stay Married and Not Kill Anybody - Dr. Mark Gungor

 

Lucky people all right final session, how to stay married, and not kill your spouse. All right, we're gonna take a look at what it takes to do that. But before we do, I want to take it to heaven and put you on a committee. And we're going to go back 4000 years in time to the time of King David, now King David had five wives. Why any man would do that to himself is beyond understanding. But he had five of them. And now we need to decide on our committee which one of these women is going to be the mother of the next king of Israel. He's going to be King Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived. This was during Israel's Golden Age. It was the best time Israel ever had it. It was glorious. They you talked about it run on the stock market. I mean, prosperity, no wars, it was fantastic. Because this king was so incredible. Who is going to be the mama of this king, and then become the great great great grandmother of the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. Kind of important decision right? Now, ladies, you would think wife number one, right? She should have dibs. She was there first. But we know it wasn't her because David got mad at her and quit having sex with her. Which is easy to do if you have four more in the wings.

 

And you probably want to discount wife number five, you remember her Bathsheba, the only reason she's there is because of lust, lying adultery and murder. King David saw her taking a bath, says what lust will do you. Saw her taking a bath, seduced her, had sex with her, got her pregnant and then murdered her husband, to hide the whole thing and married her. There's nothing holy about this. There's nothing right about this. God never intended for that woman to be in the house. Alright, so how would you decide you think about that, we'll come back to that. Okay, how to stay married and not kill anybody. Step number one, you've got to avoid bitterness and resentment. Now, bitterness and resentment can build when one person feels they are unfairly bearing the burden of the relationship, when the weight of the relationship falls more on their shoulder than the other one shoulder, then they will start to feel very bitter and resentful towards their spouse. Now, how men and women keep score is very different from each other to determine who's carrying the most amount of weight. Now, what I'm about to share with you, you know, people ask me a lot, you know, what, where did you learn all this stuff? What are your different influences and you know, 32 years of marriage, that's one influence. You know, but a lot of different people and listening to stuff and I hear ideas, and I take them and change them and stuff. This particular one of the guys that had probably huge impact in my life, about relationships was John Gray. And I think the guy's absolutely brilliant. I'm a lot funnier than he is. But he's brilliant. All right, and, and this section is this is Gray to the tee. Okay, I just admit it right up front. But the reason I share this because his insights on how men or women keep score is absolutely brilliant. It truly is. You see men, when it comes to us keeping score, we're quick to give ourselves huge bonus points for everything we do.

 

You know, we crawl out of bed when we'd rather stay in and just for that we give ourselves 500 points. And then we go into work, and we put up with all the stuff at work, we earn the paycheck, and we give ourselves you know, 2000 points for that. We come home without chasing other women and we ourselves huge points for that, you know, so so we walk in the door. It's like 4500, you know. And that's why a lot of men have no problem sitting on the couch, and now contributing nothing. Because in his mind, he's way up in points for the day. And now he's given you a chance to catch up. I didn't say it was right. Don't get mad at me. I'm just saying this is the way his brain ticks. And a lot of guys will actually start feeling very bitter towards their wives, if they feel their wives are trying to make them do stuff. Because then his male psyche, his weapon points for the day, he shouldn't have to do anything else. Now the problem here is that women keep score a little differently. Let me show you how a woman would score the same man's day. He gets out of bed when he'd rather stay in and for that she loves and appreciates him and gives him one point. And then he goes to work and he earns a big paycheck. He does all this stuff. And she goes, I love that and she goes one point and then he comes home without chasing other women and then comes home and she's so glad to see him. Dang one point so you walk in you got three. Oh, she also got up she also went to work she also clean the toilet she also took that gives the piano lessons y'all Saturday and goes on, and it is 14 to 3. And you don't want to do anything.

 

And now she starts screaming at her husband, which in a way is a good thing, because it's the silent ones who really do kill people. It gets quiet around your house, I'd get nervous if I were you. So she starts getting very angry. Now when guys first hear about this, they get very discouraged. They go wait a minute. You mean to tell me that no matter what I do I get one lousy, stinking point? Well, the answer is, yes. But the good news is, you can make this work for you. Because what men fail to realize is that women respond to virtually any simple act of kindness, and rewarded the same way as they would a big act of kindness. Right? Guys don't understand this. I think it's got to be big, it's got to be special. You have to understand the reason why we don't do a lot of small things around the house is because to a man, it doesn't mean anything. It's not that we hate you. We just couldn't possibly care less. It means nothing. Because it means nothing else, we think it should mean nothing to you. But guys, you can't make that mistake, she scores very differently from you. Simple acts of kindness. It's like a torch last night, it was so simple acts of kindness that got her to fall in love with you in the first place. It's relatively easy to get a woman to fall in love with you. if she'll pay attention to you in the first place. That's the hard part. You cross that hurdle, you got it made. As long as you pay attention, simple acts of kindness, you do that you can keep a woman crazy in love with you for your entire life. Simple acts of kindness every time you do a simple act of kindness. Ding, ding, ding. But guys, we don't think that way. If it's it's got to be big, it's got to be important. That's why a lot of guys not only go all out for their wives, you know, about four times a year. The birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and the obligatory Valentine's Day. And we think we'll do something real special and real fancy in it. And we think well that will hold her, but that doesn't over to her. You've done four things all year you bomb. Guys, you know, again, they get discouraged off crying. I mean, I can't believe, listen. You can make this work for you.

 

This is great. I'm about to show you how you can succeed with a woman while doing virtually nothing. All right, I thought I'd get an applause out of that. But I don't know I don't like the sound of this site. Now, here's an example. You get up in the morning. Your wife's brushing her teeth, you're standing next to the bed. Make the bed. It takes 120 seconds of your life. It's nothing. She'll walk into the room and go. You made the bed, ding. You know that monument that you're building in the middle of your bedroom of old underwear. Pick it up, throw it in the hamper. She'll walk in. He picked up his underwear, ding. When you're done eating dinner, instead of just slugging off in front of the TV like Jabba the Hutt. Clear off the table. There was it's 60 - 90 seconds of your life that's nothing, she will do he cleared off the table, ding. And now you're scoring, ding, see guys don't get that Gray use of this is a great analogy. He says if you bring a woman a rose, she'll go, oh, ding. And then man we think wait a minute, one rose, one point, a dozen roses, 12 points. So we run out and we spend you know 80 - 90 bucks for a dozen long stem roses and we bring them to her. She goes, thank you, ding. In fact, by the raising of your hand how many women would say I would rather receive a single rose 12 different times than dozen roses once? Let me see your hand. See guy looks at that and goes, so inefficient. You want to make out like a bandit on this deal. Plan something special for your wife like taking her out to dinner next Friday night. Nice restaurant. Go ahead and get a babysitter in advance. Get everything all set. But then tell her what you've done. A lot of guys think, oh, I'll surprise her. No, no, no, you amature, surprise her. Never tried to surprise a woman. So, what you do is you tell her in advance. The minute you tell her honey, guess what, next Friday night, we're going to search I got some nice reservations. I already got a babysitter, we're gonna have a great time, the minute you tell her what you're going to do, ding. You just got a point you haven't done it yet. Alright. Then because she's a woman, she's going to tell all the other women in her life about what you've planned.

 

And every time she shares with another girl, you know what Bob's gonna play? Next Friday night, it's got reservations is such and such. And he's already got a babysitter. It's so exciting. Every time she shares that story, ding. You get another point. And now you are literally doing nothing. And the beauty of that system is every time you're earning a point, the husband of the other wife, that poor slob is losing one. That's kind of like a double coupon thing going for you. He really want to make out like a bandit, engage your wife in meaningful conversation. Now to a lot of women meaningful conversation means she talks you shut up and listen. But you can't just drift off into your nothing box. You have to let her know that you're hearing her every time you acknowledge that you've heard her, ding. So she'll go. You go. You don't say? Ding. You mean Luke, did do? Ding. Really well, how did that make you feel? Ding, ding, ding. You're doing nothing.

 

Now guys, girls, sorry. Now girls. You can't forget that he gives himself huge bonus points for everything he does. So how can a woman earn huge bonus points with a man? So sex is a great way to earn great bonus points with a man. But there's another way and that is when you believe in him. Every man wants his wife to believe in him. Now that sounds like a simple thing to do, especially to young girls who haven't been married very long. But that's because you haven't heard the incredible stupid ideas he's gonna come up with, yet. And a lot of women they feel us our God given a responsibility to try and keep their husbands humble or something, you know, because he'll come up with this idea and they respond. That's stupid. Oh, you're that'll never work. You could never do that.

 

They don't realize when you talk to a man like that you are doing incredible damage to him and to your relationship with him. Men, if you have not figured this out yet men have very, very fragile egos. We just do, we might look like tough guys on the outside, but we're girly men on the inside, because we can't handle that kind of, you know, rejection and all that kind of stuff and criticism, most men don't handle very well. And when women treat their husbands that way, when he tries to share his dreams with you, and you dismiss them as stupid and ignorant, and he can do that, that's very, very, very damaging. Now, that's not to say you can't challenge his ideas, you know, keep them from destroying himself in the family, that's okay. But you need to, you need to be his number one fan, because I'll tell you what happens when when you do that. You know what he learns, I cannot share my dreams with this woman. And men will stop telling their wives their dreams. If your husband never tells you his dreams, you guys might need to have a serious talk. And the reason he's not telling you is probably because you have given that kind of reactions to him. And it's very damaging to a men, and now you got yourself in a really bad place because almost miraculously at work, there's some bimbo there who just accidentally here's one of his ideas that goes Oh, that would be a great idea. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, you'd be great at that. Oh, well, thank you very much. And now you're in serious trouble. You need to understand something girls, most affairs do not begin for sexual reasons. They begin for emotional ones. And you need to let that boy know that you are his number one fan. As hard for a lot of women I'd say who really struggles with this. Women of professional men, doctors, lawyers, preachers, wives. A lot of them really struggle in this. Why? Cuz they get so tired of hearing  everybody prays their husband?

 

Oh, you're so great. He's so great. He must be wonderful. You must be wondering what I've heard with my own ears a woman as soon as they came into the door, she says everybody thinks you're so smart. I know what an idiot you are. Like, what is she thinking? She's doing God's work somehow. Everyone thinks you're so great. I know how stupid you really are. Huge damage to the relationships. You need to let that boy know you are his number one fan. And as much as I love it, when people come up to me after the seminar, say oh, you are great. I do love that because I have an ego the size of Texas. You know, and I and I, the one that means the most to me, is when that cute redhead comes up to me and says, you did a great job today. And I know the only reason she says that is because I just said this now. I don't care. Alright, so be careful with the scores is a no no. What do you do? What do you do if the scores get so unbalanced and everything gets so out of whack? Well, then you got to do number two, you need to learn how to keep the reset button handy. Now, when my son Philip was a little boy, I used to be a video game addict. And I loved to play video games and I would play for hours. And I had the latest greatest whatever boxes and stuff like that. And he would come up to me say Dad, can I play with you? Can I play with you? I would say, sure, so I'd give him a controller. And I took the cord and ran it back but I wouldn't plug it in. Boys he was thrilled. He got to have a controller in his hand. And and we would play for hours just laughing and giggling and having a great time. But but it didn't dawn on his brain at some point that something was amiss. And he said to me one day he says dad? I said yeah. He goes I think my controllers busted. What makes you say that? Yes. It's not responding.

 

Responding, pretty impressed. You obviously been listening to us talk and and I follow that. I said, Oh, it's not plugged in. How did that happen? So we plugged it in and often it comes to life. He would say yes it is working. Sure enough, the little rat could play. And he's playing we'd have and I'd let him get away in front and I catch up and I let him get away in front. And I catch up. We just do this for hours having a great time. But the problem with this plan was though is it His he eventually got really good. When I was better than him, I would let him get way ahead. But when he got better than me, he felt no such compassion for the old man. And he would kill me. Just kill me I mean just massacre 180,000 to 12. And I'd return hit the reset button. And he's a dad, shut up and keep playing. Dad cut it out, my hands slipped. And, and I love the reset button. Do you know why I love the reset button? Because whenever you push the reset button, everything would go back to the way it was. Wouldn't be great if relationships had a reset button. Then when things got so crazy, and the scores got so unbalanced, and things were so out of whack that all you had to do was push a button and everything would go back to the way it was, wouldn't it be great? Do you know, God has given us just such a button. Some years ago, I was in Phoenix, actually, Phoenix, Arizona. And this is, you know, early 70s when the dinosaurs still roamed the earth. And the very young man I was part of a revival meeting ever been in a revival meeting. You know, they'd have meetings every night and you never had an ending time. You just would keep going and going and going and going until people could come in and our meetings would go sometimes for months on end. So long as people kept coming and asking Christ into their lives. It was very, very cool. We a lot of fun. During the day, we would go out we'd have fliers inviting people in and we'd have these meetings. Well, my favorite place to go.

 

Downtown Phoenix was in front of the downtown porno shop. Because it was hilarious to hand somebody a flyer about Jesus on his way into a bridal shop, because it will just freak him out. Yeah, he got thanks. He goes and he goes, Oh, wait a minute. This isn't JC Penney's. What am I doing here? He was hilarious. I keep myself entertained for hours doing that, you know, we weren't protesting hands. And it was great entertainment. But the guy who owned the porno shop, though, wasn't having nearly as much fun. And he was losing 10s of 1000s of dollars. And he thought we were never going to leave because there was no ending on our flyers. And we just kept going and going and going. And he became very desperate. And desperate people do desperate things. And this man hired a professional killer, to come to the meeting to shoot the evangelists to get rid of us. So that after he would kill the evangelists, we would all freak out and leave town. Well, the perfect scenario would have been for you know, the van just always came out in the beginning and welcomed everybody. And as things were kind of settling down. He got to just boom and in the confusion taken off. But this particular night, I'll never forget it. evangelist calls us over and says, hey, you guys, I don't feel so good. He sounds wrong. He says, Can you start without me? And I said, well, yeah, sure. So we start without him. o which is really kind of a drag if you're a killer. Because you know, revival meetings don't exactly go with your mojo. Yeah, you're trying to get the nerve up to shoot somebody not you're stuck in a revival when I was gonna play along, right. He's got to fake it. So he's singing along Lola Love, love, love, love, love. And and, you know, we start singing the song gave me that time religion gave me that all time religion give you that old time religion. It's good enough for me, and we're swinging. All of a sudden, we stopped saying hold on a minute.

 

We're gonna sing this next verse. And this verse goes makes me love everybody. And when we think makes me love everybody want everybody over here to come over here. Hug your buddy over here and everybody we're gonna stand up go hug everybody, how many people are scared. So we start singing now this professional killer is being accosted by all kinds of people. Hugging on him hey, man, good to see you. God bless and he prays a lot. He's getting more hugging. He's been hugged since he was a baby. I'm sure his mama probably never hug him. You know? And he's like, he's got a fake it right? He's got a hug everybody's. Then we all sat down and the people got up and started sharing testimonies. You remember testimony services, and people get them talking about how God had changed their lives. We had some pretty dramatic stories of people who were drug addicts or you know, whatever their deal was and and how when they ask Christ into their lives, how God totally changed their lives around and there they got tears running down their cheeks while smiling at the same time. You know, kind of like the weather in Phoenix and sunny yet rainy, I don't understand but uh, and and, you know, it was it was so powerful and he's just listening And finally, the evangelist comes out. And by this time the guy is frozen, he cannot act, he's in a state of shock. And this Evangel starts preaching what all evangelists preach, you know, the fact that God loves us. He loved us so much He sent Jesus to take our punishment.

 

Jesus took what he did not deserve, so we could get what we do not deserve, which is forgiveness. And when he got to the end, he did one of these Billy Graham things or he said, if you want to ask Christ in your life, I want you to walk down to the earth, and we're going to pray for you. About 100 150 people stood up, and came down to the front. And in the midst of this group of people came this professional killer. And when he got up there, he fell on his knees. And he started crying, he says, I can't do it, I just can't do it. And the console next to him said, sure you can do it. I want you to know God wants you to do it. And he pulls out the loaded weapon and hands it to him. And that's how we found out the story of how this guy came to kill somebody, but instead had his life dramatically impacted by the love of God. Now, you may not hire a professional killer, at least I hope you don't. But the truth is, when somebody hurts us, we want them to pay. So our version of making them pay as we get bitter, and unforgiving. Forgive you, the problem is the only one that hurts is the person who doesn't want to forget. Unforgiveness is like taking poison, hoping the other guy will die. And to be truthful with you, I've never understood how so many people have a problem in this era, particularly Christians, you know, if you're not much of a church goer, take a nap for a minute but but you Christians that you know, this is Christianity one oh one. This is as foundational as it gets. Jesus taught us basically this, if you don't forgive people, God won't forgive you. It's that simple. So why don't believe that? No, you'll get an exception because you're so cute. You're kidding yourself. Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive, forgive those who trespass against us. Forgive us, as we forgive, God will not forgive you. If you don't forgive people. This is non negotiable.

 

You need to hear it. But a lot of people they struggle with it. Because you don't understand what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is an act. It is not an emotion has nothing to do with your emotions. You might feel the pain of what that person did to you till the day you die has nothing to do with forgiveness. It's not in a ratio of your memory. You might remember what that person did to you, to the day that you die. He might ask you a question? Do you think God has Alzheimer's? Do you think he can't remember what you did? Do you think he looks at you and goes, somebody really ticks me off. Like I can't remember what it was. He throws in what he calls the sea of his forgetfulness. He doesn't have Alzheimer's, he just he just will never bring it up again. He'll never mention it again. That's what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is this, is when you say, I forgive you. I will never use it against you in the future. I will never speak of it again. To you, or to anyone else. Forgiveness has more to do with your tongue than your head or your heart. If you're still talking it through, you haven't forgiven, you need to hush you need to let it go. That's forgiveness. All right. Why did you decide which lady God steps in says I forget about it. I made my decision. I really wished one. He says number five. Wo, wo, wo, wait a minute, God, do you know who this is? This is Bathsheba. The only reason this woman is there is because of lust, lying adultery and murder. There's nothing holy about it. There's nothing righteous about it. It was never in God's plan. God never intended it. But Bathsheba becomes the mother of Solomon and the great great great, great grandmother of the Lord Jesus Christ Himself.

 

You could make the argument had it not been for lust, lying, adultery and murder Solomon would have never been born. You could make the argument had it not been for lust, lying adultery and murder, the Lord Jesus would have never been born. Oh, well. Praise the Lord, that happened then. So you're not making any sense. I know this was hard even for the writers of the Bible, if you read Matthew, the first chapter, or says so and so was the father of so and so was the father of so and so that whole that whole list, he mentions three women by name, but when it comes to her, he doesn't even mention her name. If you read it, it'll say the wife of Uriah, Uriah was the man David killed to get her when he would mention her name. Why? Cuz it makes no sense. It makes no sense. How can this possibly be? How could the son of God's lineage depend on a woman who was only there because of lust, lying, adultery and murder, I'll tell you all. Because God's love is so powerful, he can take your biggest mistake and turn it into something so beautiful. It won't make sense to anybody. That is the power of the reset button. I want all the couples to stand together. If you're not here with your husband or wife, or if you're not married, you can stay seated. But if you're here with your husband, I want you to stand up. And I want you to turn to each other, but he said he wouldn't do anything emotional. It'll be all right. I will even tell you what to say. And all the guys looking at the girls, I want you to repeat this flat out ad repeat what they just said for the rest of us poor slobs who do. Looking at your wife, guys, I want you to say this, Honey, I'm sorry. For not always be the kind of husband I should be to you, for not giving the attention you deserve.

 

For being too caught up in my own world. Instead of our world demanding too much. And not giving enough for not loving you, like I should. Please forgive me. With your love, your support, your patience, and your prayers. I will strive to be the kind of husband God want me to be. Now girls, you're turn. Looking at him to say, honey, I'm sorry. For not always be the kind of wife I should to you, for not always appreciate all that you do. For not always be the love I know you be. For not always believing in your hopes and dreams. For not loving you like I should. Please forgive me. With your love, your support, your patience, and your friends. I will strive to be the kind of wife God wants me to be. I want you to press the reset button. The way this works is a reach over and you plant one right on her. Give her a kiss. All right hug the girl, hug the girl, hug the girl, did that feel good? You can be seated. I want to thank you guys for being here with us this weekend and sharing this moment with us. And we believe that millions of people's lives are going to be impacted by the information that we share this weekend as this thing is broadcast on television around the world on DVDs and stuff like that. There's some powerful information that we've shared this weekend and a whole lot of people need to hear just basic simple stuff that can transform lives. You have been wonderful, you have tolerated are making you move here there on the other end. And through all the sessions and stuff you have been wonderful. I so appreciate you. God bless all of you. Thank you so much. God bless you guys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Video Transcript: The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman

 

I'm convinced after 30 plus years now of marriage and family counseling, that there's fundamentally five ways to express love emotionally. I call them the five love languages. I believe there are literally 1000s of couples who are as sincere as they can be. They are loving each other, but they're not speaking the right language. And consequently, the love tank is empty. But everyone grows up speaking a language with a dialect. And that's the one you understand based. The same is true with love. In marriage, almost never does a husband and wife have the same love life. Today after we got married. I found out my wife didn't do mornings. didn't take me long not to like her. Didn't take her long not to like me. And we succeeded in being utterly miserable. Love language number one, words of affirmation, using words to affirm the other person. You're there's an ancient proverb that says life and death are in the power of the tongue. You can kill your spouse or give them life by the way you talk to them. Love is something you do for somebody else. Not something you do for yourself. It's universal. To give gifts as an expression of love. You can get a nice card for $5 can't afford the card. Do you remember how you fold the paper take the scissors open up the heart and write I love you. cooking a meal is an active of service. Washing dishes is an active service vacuuming the floor, washing the car, mowing the lawn, anything that you know the other person would like for you to do, acts of service a powerful communicator. Love says honey, you know those apple pies you make? Would it be possible for you to make an apple pie this week? I love your apple pies. Love doesn't say hadn't had an apple pie since the baby was born.

 

Do you think this in love experience has any relationship to the divorce rate in this country? I believe it is directly tied to the divorce rate. First marriages in this country 40% ends in divorce, second marriages 60% ends in divorce, third marriages 75% ends in divorce, the answer is not running. The answer is learning how to love the person to whom you're now married. Number four is quality time. By which I mean you give the other person your undivided attention. Have you ever tried this, sitting on the couch with a TV off looking at each other. It can be scary at first, if you feel loved by your spouse, the whole world looks bright. But if the love tank is empty, and you feel like they don't love me, they wish they weren't married women, the whole world can begin to look dark. Love language, number five is physical touch. In marriage, I'm talking about holding hands. I'm talking about kissing. I'm talking about embracing. I'm talking about the whole sexual part of the marriage. If you want extra credit, when there's a crowd in the house, or your in public, you walk up and just give him a little hug and kiss on the cheek. Whoo their love tank fills up if this is their primary love language. And the more you touch, the easier it becomes. The whole concept I'm sharing with you is that if we learn to speak the love language of our spouse and our children, we change the emotional climate in the family. I believe 1000s of marriages could they say if we understood this concept, any relationship marriage family, any relationship can be enhanced. If we learn people's love language and we choose to speak it.