Video Transcript: Influence Wrecking Habits 2.1

Hi, I'm Henry Reyenga. With me is Steve Elzinga, we continue our discussion on influencing  wrecking habits. In our lead off the discussion on the word reproducible. You know, we talked  about a person who doesn't walk with God is not as influential as a person who does walk  with God. And one of the things we talked about in the Getting Started classes, Southern  connections, is a reproducible walk with God. So what about a walk with God and  reproducible have anything to do with influence? Well, Reapered, I guess, in some ways,  reproducing is influence. Right? I mean, if, if, if you if I have an influence over someone, I'm  reproducing something in me, whether it's my belief, or my walk, or some skill, or a sport that  I'm trying to teach, I have this thing, and I'm reproducing it in you, right. So when we talk  about a walk with God, a lot of times, we know that can be a broad general thing, but we we  like to narrow it down into the habits that make it happen, right. So talking, listening  repeatedly to God, prayer, Bible reading. And, you know, knowing God, and walking with God, and getting close to God is a lifelong activity, and I can't teach a person in one day, all the  counsel of God and everything that God is, because I have a whole lifetime, and you have a  whole lifetime to do that. But what I can reproduce with you, is the simple skills in making that  happen. And if you stay on the path of talking to God, and listening to him walking with every  day, all the great things of God come to you. The power, direction and the gifts, everything the Bible talks about. So. So a lot of times influence you have two things going when you're trying to influence someone is the broad thing, I want you to be a better person, a kingdom person,  a God driven person, that's a huge thing. But if I can just help you do a few skills, then those  skills will take you on the road to that. So when we talk about our walk with God, it says thing  us thing. But a lot of times we like, you know, when I meet with a person, I just make it simple, right? Well, what's the work of God was just talking listening. I'll show you how to do that  takes five minutes. I show you how to do this in five minutes, and then go ahead and do it.  And then next week, I talk to you about it. Well, I think that's a lot of times when we're  coaching people. That's why coaching is about getting people to some form of action. Little  Frank, can you do this next week that will help push the ball towards what you want. So a lot  of times influence is just a small little thing that you get someone to do, rather than this huge  thing that they have to now understand, buy into. I like to just that little phrase really  reproducing his influence. And so at the most primal level, well, let's keep moving on. So  being snobbish, Proverbs 14, verse 31, he who oppresses the poor shows contempt for the  maker, but whoever is timed to the needy honors God, Proverbs 19, verse 17, he was kind of  the poor and lends to the Lord, and He will reward him for what he has done, okay for people, Henry and that are in countries where English as a second language, what snobbish status is  a preoccupation with like a higher class, a more wealthy class of society, or a preoccupation  with a certain people group that they're part of. And if you're not part of my people group, it  might be tribal, it might be racial, there's ways in which like my team, for whatever reason is  better. But your team is poor in comparison to my team. So everyone has a lot of implications  looking down on the other because of whatever reason, like an NDA, they have different  classes to mine classes here in the next classes there. But in Christ, we are all one one in  Christ. For sports, you get the people that are really good at something and then the ones  who are beginners, the ones who are better look down on the ones who don't let them play  with them. Right? And even just have a versus St. If you have more than someone else, and  you look down in someone who has less than you, and there's a lot of implications for that, I  mean entire philosophies are written you know, Karl Marx wrote about communism, because  he felt like the poor were getting not a fair shake, and the rich have even had different terms  bourgeoisie and all the virus stuff and, and again, we are not caught I'm IOs here. And as I  was saying the topic has been around for a long time, it becomes politicized. It becomes, you  know, ingrained in churches, even the book of James do not have favoritism. You don't have 

to the one person sit here and then the other person sit there. So that hurts our influence. I  remember one of our mentors who helped start crystal resistor which DeVos we've been told  the story before, but we will go to like the sky box, the United of the magic, the Orlando Magic basketball team in here, a billionaire is getting to know the elevator worker with deep care,  find out about inherent one of the most influential people I have ever known rich DeVos. And  he takes even though he himself is very wealthy man, that he has deep concern for everyone  no matter who they are. So how does leak in some ways if I'm, let's say, Dementor, I'm the  guy who wants to have influence over somebody. So I am kind of higher than them, because I know stuff. Right? When When does meet, trying to be your mentor turned into  snobbishness? Or how do I What are the certain things I can do to make it make it so that I  don't look like I think I'm better than you. Because in this particular thing, and I'm mentoring in  you, and I am. So how do I mean if I'm helping someone learn a sport, and they're new, and  I've been at it a long time? I am better than you. Well, how do I come off, not snobbish, as I'm  trying to help you become better into me, it's like that the actors were geniuses, if you're going to be great. You have to have the attitude of the servant and really say, look, I truly am  thinking to the best of you. So first of all, how you really are in your heart and back to your  walk with God and how you really care about the other person. And I think if you don't care, it  comes through, and you think you're better than them. It comes through if you're impatient,  because all my valuable time of being a mentor has been wasted by this person. It's just not  learning fast enough. I think that comes through. I think, you know, I know like within the  sport, where you're trying to help someone that doesn't know as much as they know, they  know you're way better than me. But if I, you know, if I communicate to them that the game is  very new to me, the game is comparing to you right now and you an hour late, right when  you've learned a few things. And wow. And you see how much you improve in this last hour. I  see how you went from you couldn't do this. And now you can write, I see great potential. And you see that it doesn't matter whether I'm five times as good as they are, is that the fact that  I'm really good. And me complimenting you, Jim, I encourage you all the more. So you may  be a different level than someone but it's how you communicate them. If you can make if  you're constantly saying, Yeah, you're a long ways from being as good as I am. Or, you know,  in a couple of years, maybe you'll be you know, where you're discouraging them. You're,  you're making that distance. I'm way better than you and your keep saying that. If you're way  better than someone else's at something, you shouldn't have to keep saying it. No. Well, it  goes back to being the deacon being the servant. In the end, I think people see it. They know. In fact, this is one of the maybe the most intangible things that you can point to and say  there's rich DeVos on the elevator, there's us teaching, there's ministry. And I've seen I  remember one minister at a conference 20 years ago. Somebody asked them, you know, so  how do you like ministry? And the person said, without even thinking, I'd like it except for all  the people in my congregation. And really, in that person, let's say that my uncle or my great  uncle, my grandma's brother, I never met him. He died the month I was born, but he was a  he's a PhD philosophy teacher at Calvin College. You come from a long line of Varian? Yes.  So my son is dead now. But he and he wrote a few books. And when my grandmother was  older, because he never married my grandmother got all his notes in his chapel notes. So I  have a stack of all his chapel notes and some of the personal things that like his diary, right.  And I remember one of the diary entries was when he was going to school. And he had, he  had a high view of himself and kind of a low view of of students see was another day of  school another day of mediocrity. Mediocrity rather than Another day to help precious minds  that want to learn, reach their full potential, that would have been another way. And again,  some tangible people have influenced, you know, they don't have to say that they're beautiful, they are beautiful. They don't have to say that in yet. We're still talking about the principles of 

this is not a way for me. It's these, the the shell, that points back to the walk with God, who  are you really? And this is another example of a snobbish person, does it come off, where  they need more of the liberation of a walk with Jesus Christ, and that scene, everybody has  an image of bear, but that can't be faked. Somehow, it's all real, poor listening skills. Proverbs  18, verse 13, you answered before listening, that another reserve the impatient writer, that is  folly and his shame, this one is just not a good way to go. It's gonna hurt you. But it's also  wrong. Rice, not treating people, right. Right. So poor listening skills. So how would you  positively say that if a person was to have influence whether they need to be inquisitive, in  their listening, listening? You know, I also did the people smart class, and they have a large  section about people smart ministry about listening. And I felt, which helped me in that class  was, you can go two ways. One is you can be like, I know what this person is going to say.  And I already know what this person's going to say. And I've got to quickly respond and say  something, or I don't want to listen anymore. Because I know what this person is going to say. I thought, a technique that really made me take that next step in humility and love was to have my mind like, listen to the surprise, listen to things that is said That's unexpected. And then  tap that away, as you know, how I can serve and how I can help that person, as opposed to I  know what they're saying, I gotta get in edgewise. I don't want to listen to any more those  listening, you know, I think, answers before listening is folly, and it's folly to start talking to  someone and giving solutions to things that evil. You don't even know what they want, right? I  mean, I always church people. I don't think they ever tell that when someone asked me a  question, someone, I think someone here at our conference, the other day, he came to me,  he had questions about the dedicate right. Now. Do you think the dedicated was in the head  this long, involved question about the dedicated? Right. So he was done asking the question,  this is a really good question. What do you think? Right. And he had a lot to say, then he had I have one more questions than he had some more is a more complicated question that I know  he had a lot of stuff behind. And I said, That's a deep question. What do you think? He didn't  catch on that and he knows he came, he had all this stuff he needed to say, and I could have  started talking. I don't know who this guy is. I don't know why he's asking this question. I don't  know what nuanced he's coming from. And I could just start targeting via touch. He had a  bunch of stuff he needed to say before I could say a thing, right. And once he's talked, and  I've listened, and now he feels good about me, because I've learned. Now I even know what I  can even say something about right? And you learn a lot. But the deal I did is you ask a few  inquisitive questions, right? Like, it is so rare to find someone that's interested in what you  have to say, interested in your life. And so if you are that person, that's taking an interest in  somebody, it unlocks all kinds of things. You know, one thing I you know, when I first got to  know you, and you would take me to the grocery store, and you're trying to help me do  evangelism, or how do you get new people to join your church? Let's go to the grocery store.  So you go to the grocery store, and find somebody, whatever your sweatshirt, I can, you  know, you just start talking. And what I found amazing was how within two minutes were into  their marriage problems or some disaster or the doctor just told them that they might have  cancer or whatever in two minutes from from zero to 60 in two minutes, and You know, we  would unpack that later and talk about why is that we talked about how, really everyone wants to be naked before the Lord is you for others like Adam and Eve were. But since we're  covered up, and we're hiding, and, and no one understands us and no one listens. And so just a little bit of listening. All of a sudden you give them freedom to discover and admit and see  where they're at. And now you can make an influence in their life. In some ways, those  passage, he who answered for listening, that is a folly and his shame. And you bring up the  Adam and Eve that relation, Renee did the same. And really, the shame is an aspect of this,  it's letting them share and letting them be who they are building before God be interested that 

their image bearer of God, and you have that regard for I think most people aren't what they  could be not because they lack some information. But because they lack the sense that, that  they're okay that people see their potential or that they even have any potential. So it's really  

getting them to believe in themselves more than a bunch of skills are correcting. And so by  just listening, you're validating their life and who they are, and that there's somebody and that  people care. That there's something good there's some gold there, right? And evangelism. I,  I've done both. I've just shared the gospel. And I've done the other way, where we start  talking, and we, but more importantly, we listen, we have a conversation, and I listened. And  I'm telling you, it's way more powerful. If you imagine the lesson will be more powerful. Next  one, defeated attitude when things go poorly. So proverbs 18, verse 14, a man spirits  sustained some in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear very interesting passwords.  Proverbs 31, verse 25, talking about the Proverbs 31. woman, she is clothed with strength  and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come. So why is sort of a gloomy person? Or if  maybe put it with something goes poorly? The naysayer, I knew this wasn't gonna work. Yeah, we tried that before it just doesn't work. Why is that so influenced, in some ways. You can  lead with kind of a positive thing. Or you can a lot of leaders try to lead by the victim mentality. I'm trying to influence you to do stuff. By playing the victim. I can't find anybody to help clean  the church or paint the church, right? There all by myself. Now I can guilt people into doing  this. But they don't feel good about doing it. It's not fun. I pushed them, I shoved them, I made them feel guilty. That's why they're there. No, it's a target find someone who's like, always  down and, and looking at the negatives, and but someone who's positive, we get to change  the world tomorrow by decorating our house. Because you know, one person, you know might have a view of God just might make them feel at home, I don't know that. There's a winning  way why we want to do this. And you can you get to be a part of it if you'd like. You know, I  called you because you'd be really good at this. Change the world. We're gonna paint to  change the world. That's right. This is God's house. And you know, how we treat God as our  example to the world. And you can do that tomorrow. You know, that's positive, or when  negative things happen. And, you know, I went through a divorce and the you know, and, you  know, we're talking about marriage, and all I do is talk about how horrible marriage is. You  know, why would I come to you for Islam? Right? All you're doing is telling me your defeat,  right? If you're, if you're telling me what you did, you know, I was my wife walked out. Right?  But I'll tell you, my church, just, I mean, being a part of a group and my support team and my  friends. They came in they you've told the stories about what happened in your life through  that negative thing, right. As a positive guy, I want to hang around the guy like that that guy  knows how to go through hard things. And I can relate to him. I go through these things, too.  Right? I'd rather be around someone who feels forward. Yes, that is constantly failing. Rather  than someone who's always negative and nothing works out, you know, relationships never  really work. have to be so careful because dreams don't hold for too much. You know, it's  really interesting, this concept of dealing with failure in respect to your walk with God. As we  walk with God, we realize that, you know, sinners like us accept the grace that Christ has  given, and that I'm being transformed, you began a good work and me is carried to  completion. So even my failures are all part of a story, a beautiful story. And I want to be  around people who share that story. And is powerfully influential in a company, again to that  because that just over the last whatever years or so I've seen this so much, that when a  leader leaves by being a victim, like they're always talking about, I barely have time to get this done. But yeah, it's so draining. And people respond to if you're, if you're the victim card,  people will come around and help you. If you're a pastor, and you're using the victim card all  the time, there's a whole bunch of people that will respond and help you with, but you're  defining the relationship, you're not the leader. You're the victim. They're the leaders. So 

there's a lot of pastors out there who are not leaders in their church, they're the victim, and  everyone there is bailing them out. You know, my car is broken. You know, I'm not getting paid enough, you know. And then when you try to take them up the hill to do something, they don't  follow you, because you're not the leader, right? Powerful stuff. Acting carelessly with your  reputation. A good name is more desirable to great riches, the seven proverbs 21, two verse  one, to be a theme is better than silver or gold? Why is the reputation so important in being  influential? Well, what is the reputation? And? Well, you know, the question I did this course,  and sociology that somebody should take, and part of that course was, what goes into a  reputation. And a reputation is something that's a long term words, you don't get a reputation  in one day, theater reputation over periods of time. And it's an impression that the community  or someone thinks about you that they've observed or that others have observed. So it's sort  of a sense, reputation is a form of sort of, it's a foundational influence. So if, if you're a person  that has broken relationships, you're a person who is abusive, or we're going to talk one in the future about a criminal record, it doesn't hurt reputation. So there is there is something about  our reputation that has to be cared about. So yeah, so you can't become an influencer, just by a couple of techniques. Or by doing a little few sessions with somebody, the whole of your life  sort of sets you up as an influencer. Right? Because if you have a poor reputation, why would  I follow you? Right? So this has more to do with your whole life. And that's why I like a walk of  God is like, so important. It's not like, listen, trying to help somebody become a better parent.  Okay, but if I have a lousy walk with God, and I'm trying to teach you how to be a better  parent, why would they follow me? Right? You're not even doing the basics of God. Right?  How do you know anything about parenting? So it's all one thing after another, or your you  know, and I need someone that's in the business world, and I know that their family life is  disaster, and they're telling, you know, giving principles on how you create a team. I don't like  little skeptical, because how come this didn't work in your own family? Right? There's  brokenness there. So you know, the whole of who you are, is your influence. Right?  Ultimately, right? So your reputation is just a good indication of what people think of you now,  not just because your reputation, you know, a bunch of people think a lot of things of you. It  might be they're getting a false, right? Do you have you, and then you have some correcting  to do and that's where some coaching might be, in order. How do you repair some of this  reputation? Because you came off as brash, and you came off as something and you didn't  mean to? That's really not who you are, right? But there's some subtle things that you need to do. That will help you have a better reputation. Right now people have the wrong idea about  you. So it's not like your reputation is always accurate. Well, and there's anything that I've  observed there There's some people who are manipulative about their reputation. And they're  so concerned about the reputation that it is phony baloney, but to most of the world that looks  really good. And then others who haven't really paid attention to it and erected really, they're  walking with God. They're really great people and Nothing's ever perfect in life. They're  sincere people. But for whatever reason, people think of them poorly when they actually are  great. Because of a couple of little things. A couple of things tend to do. Yes. That hurts.  Right? Right. Very interesting. Being a good, good even person, Proverbs 24, verse 29. Dad  say, I'll do. I'll do to him as he has done to me, that's very much. I'll pay that man back for  what he has done. I am getting in people, and they're very hard to be around. It's almost like,  it seems so transparent. I don't know how much we have to talk about it. Well, I think it's, it's  easy to fall into this and call it justice. Oh, I see. Right. It's in a marriage, you see that? That's  what I'm getting. I don't think anyone says I'm gonna get even with you, Henry. Okay, okay.  You treat me poorly. And I don't say, you know, I'm gonna get even with you. I am going to be  for the good of you, Henry treat you poorly. Right. You want to tell me the truth about you?  Well, let me tell you that, you know, you say you're saying this to correct to fix me and help 

me. sighs I will see you too. I'll help you. How do you feel about that kind of thing? Yeah. And I think it's sometimes we do it. You know, we think that's gonna stop. Right? Like, you know,  you do this, I do this. And now you'll learn how to write how you like to be treated this way.  Alright, and stop treating me that way. But in one upsmanship you don't want to walk away  going, Wow, I must see you poorly. I'm going to learn a lesson. You feel unfair. This is unfair  for you, and then you retaliate. So people keep doing that back and forth. Husbands and  wives. This is a classic. They keep pretending you retell it, you do this, I do that you do this, I  do that. You ignore me and go and do your own thing. I ignore you and do your own thing.  You yell at me, I yell at you. Sometimes I think even this past week I had with my wife. I was  she was telling me about some things that I did wrong. I think I was telling her something that  would annoyed me. And she just turned around and found something very similar about me  that annoying her. Right? And it's like, Well, which one do you want to talk about? I was  talking about this. He did admit it. You didn't say anything about it. He just threw it at me. And  now here we go back and forth. Well, who's going to influence anybody that way? It just  becomes a tennis match or a sporting match that we both want to score. Right? And no one  wants to really solve this problem. As a church level, you can see that with it's a form of the B  victim thinking again. appeals to our competitive nature. You do this I want to get you back.  Enough, phony, flattering. Proverbs 27 Verse 14, if a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in  the morning, it will be taken as a curse. Proverbs 29 Verse five, whoever flatters his neighbor  is spreading a net for his the meaning there's not a safety net that will ensnare you. Catch  you. In other words, it'll come back to you. Right? His own seat. Yeah. Like you're the one that will be snared. Yes. Why do you think that is these interesting metaphor said is when you  picked up the verse, why do you why did you pick it up? Back to the ledger? Well, I figured  out because flattery is like it's a form of it's a form that can be coming off as encouragement.  But when it's phony baloney what really does is that isn't her to you? Right? Well, the person  that you're like given an flattery to doesn't trust, you care about them. They think the flattery is a form of urine manipulation, what you want out of it. And bladder is the opposite. Of not  flattering, flattering you I am trying to manipulate you I'm trying to get something from rather  than giving you some was true encouragement is just given this job with that speech the other night. Not good job with that speech because I want something from you, right? There are  some people who just struggled with this, I think at times in my life when I was learning how to be encouraged, or sometimes my encouragement did go to flattery, because I saw how much  encouragement made a difference. So I wanted to be encouraging. Even the people who I  couldn't say much encouraging about. So instead of listening to who they really were in  finding that which I couldn't encourage, I just had like my, my 10 things that I didn't want. I  don't want to be around someone who is like, not teachable, like deflect them away by flattery. My goal, on one level is this person's gonna teach by summer camp. So then, you know, I fell, I think in as I look back in a certain second honest way, I felt in the flattery fell into flattery,  more than really paying attention to who some of these people are. And again, this is 40 years of ministry. And truth be told, I mean, I have always been a work in progress, even in those  days. It's frustrating. It's a fine line between flattery and encouragement. Because I, you know, I struggle with giving encouragement, and therefore I don't really struggle with giving flattery.  I'm kind of going together, right? So for those of you that are encouraging, I guess it's when  am I encouraging you for your sake? Or am I encouraging you for my strength for what I want  to walk with? The flattery when I'm doing it for me? Right. caring too much about what others  say about you. Ecclesiastes, by the way, this is a not proverbs one. But in this whole series,  this could be the only matter of Proverbs slide. But the Ecclesiastes verse was so good. Do  not pay attention to every word people say, or they may hear your serving, cursing you for you know, in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others. Do that pay attention to 

every word people say? I noticed that people with diminishing influence, their self esteem,  everything is often going which way the wind blows. And if things are, if people are talking to  them, Facebook about them, they feel better if it's not, or they'll almost over need  compliments. You know, of meaning they come off needy, and they come off needy, because  they really want to be affirmed crisis, not affirm them. So then there might be you know, so  then the someone's identity is found in their fans and fans are great about you, but he feel  better and but in the end is, that's fool's gold. I think people if I if I'm always setting my course, my vision, by what I think other people think of me. I don't really have the vision. My vision is  dependent on what everyone around these thinking and seeing, right? So I don't have a  strong vision. And why would anyone want to follow me? I have no vision, I'm not going  anywhere. Right? It's the first thing you want to follow is someone who holds on to a vision  regardless of what other people are saying, right? I don't care what people are saying, this is  the direction I think we should go. Right? If you're just listening to what everyone else has to  say, then why am I following a leader has we're going this way. I'm confident about going 20  reasons why we should go there. I can tell you the benefits of why it would be good for you to  go this way. Now let's go this way. But if you're like, Well, I don't know what does everyone  think about which way we're gonna go? Now, that's a good point. Everything's a good point.  And one minute they're going this way. Well, in what starts happening is they say one thing to  one group thing to another boy or whatever they're itching is want to hear. Right, right, right.  And I think to be a disruptive leader to where we're disrupting our world for Christ. It means to hold to that relationship and that bliss of God in your heart. Now the only say that I I don't  even call lira don't go. But there is that line where you say, Why am I here? What is my  purpose is to please Christ. I think of the tiller and Lightfoot, number nine, or if it was never a  great story, the ship has gone down to 700 people underwater crying for help. And all these  lifeboats were half full and one of them. The guy holding the tiller said, alright, we go back,  and we rescue people out of the water. And then everyone on the boat said, no, no, we can  do that. If we go back, they'll swamp the boat, and then we'll all die. Right? So then this guy  who's the light, he's the designated leader. He stood up and he said, All right. I want everyone to remember, if we get rescued, I want everyone to remember that. I wanted to go back.  Right? All right. Now what he says is he was worried about what they would say what they  would do. Right? He should have stood up and said, I'm the designated leader. This is a  lifeboat and we're going back. If you don't like it, you can get out. Right? Because this is what  we do. Right? See, people will follow that. They're not going to follow, you know, let's vote and decide which way we're going to go. I'm not following a guy that he doesn't know where he's  going. So why should I follow? How could he have influenced he doesn't even know what to  do with his own life. Right? Well, a lot here. We use sign up for this class. But we're not even  halfway done. With the influencing recommend habits. These habits take away in the Bible  reveals how we as Christians, followers of Christ can do these things. So we're going to  continue on with more in our next session. All right.