Video Transcript: Communication Killers

All right communication, learning how to communicate better. In this session, I  want to look at communication, killers, these are the things that we do or things  that we say that kill conversation kills communication. Remember, the goal of  communication is connection. But there are things that we can say and things  that we do that can kill the connection. So we want to look at those. Alright.  Communication is not about winning. Sometimes people are so competitive and  we are as as, as people, we are very competitive. Sports is one of the most  popular things all across the country. Here in our country, we have football  stadiums are filled with people that are just crazy about it. And in other countries you have your football too, it's the same thing, but it's a different sports. One, we use our hands, you use your feet. But I have been to football games in Ecuador,  my son married a girl from Ecuador, and he lives in Ecuador, and I've been there in Quito, where they talk about there's like a fifth quarter or fifth period or  something because of the high altitude, or they have an extra man, the 12th  man or something like that. And anyway, I've been at some of these sporting  things there. And it's just total absolute mayhem chants, and people are sending Roman Candle fireworks right over your head. It's just total absolute mayhem.  People are extremely competitive, and people are competitive in their  conversations. And one way to kill a conversation is to want to win, that I'm  going to say, whatever it takes, so that I win, maybe the other person won't think that I won, but the people listening around me will win. And so we have our own  ways of determining who's the winner, the goal of communication is connection.  Not winning, you can win an argument and lose the relationship. So then what  do you really have? It's not about being right. A lot of people are like this, they  have to be right. Even when they're wrong. They will defend their position even  when they are wrong, even when they are proved wrong. Maybe it was the you  know, like I was I'm a little bit that way. I was raised by a father who was always  right. His way was always right. And so I was one who would battle against that.  No, you think you're right. Well, I'm right. And so I have a little bit of that still in  me that I want to be right. I hate being wrong. The problem is you don't get at  the truth. And you certainly don't foster connection and relationship.  Communication is not about getting people to agree with you. My evangelism  has went up in terms of effectiveness, effectiveness, when I finally figured out  that getting people to agree with me is not my goal. My goal is to get people  thinking, my goal is to help them decide for themselves what they need or want  to believe. I don't want to believe for them. I don't want to force them. I don't  want to be like a lawyer or a car salesman, say everything and manipulate the  whole conversation so that in the end, they say yes, when they really don't want  to. It's not going to take hold, they have to freely come to their own decision. And that's true about a lot of things when you're trying to parent, when you're trying  to influence people at work. You can be a boss, you can tell people what to do.  But unless you allow them some space to consider and to learn and grow and to

actually do something because they think it's the right thing to do. You'll always  have to keep you know, keep pounding 0n them. You know a lot of bosses,  that's all they do is pound people because they have to, because if they didn't  people wouldn't do what is required. But part of it is they think that the goal is to  get everyone to agree with everything that I say. That's not the goal. Connection, relationships. That's the goal. Communication is about connection. I keep saying that over and over. It's about relationship. It's when you have a relationship with  your employees, that they do the things that you want done. It's when you have  a relationship to your children. With a good connection to them, that they  actually cooperate with the family plan and what needs to be done. When you  have a good relationship with your spouse, when you have a good relationship  with the people in your church, that's when good things start happening. It's  about relationship. Communications is about learning and growing in the  interaction. In the communication in the conversation, I learn some things you  learn some things, if I go into every conversation, thinking, I've got to win I have  to be right, I'm not going to learn anything. If I go into a conversation, thinking, I  don't know, maybe I don't know everything about this subject. Or maybe I have a limited perspective, I might just learn something. And if that person responds in  kind, they might learn something from me. Communication is helping others  learn and grow and lead a more satisfying productive life. That's the goal. I don't  want to sell you something you don't want to buy, I don't want to manipulate you  because I'm a good lawyer. Ultimately, I want to be a blessing to you. That's that was the promise to Abraham, you will be a great nation, and you will have an  offspring, and you will be a blessing to the nations. That's what we want to be  we want to bless, we want to be a blessing to people. So keep the  communication going. Don't kill the communication, don't kill the conversation.  Keep it going. Communication killers, the biggest communication killer of all, is  talking too much. Talking too much, we all know this person, you're in a  conversation, and they do 90% of the conversation. They don't give the other  person space. If they pause, and the person starts talking, then the person says  two sentences, and then stops talking. Boom, the talker jumps right in and he  explains more. And the information is piled upon pile upon pile upon pile. And  the person walks out with so much information, his head is spinning. And he has no idea what he's thinking. And the communication has not to and the  relationship hasn't been developed. If you want a relationship to develop to  people have to be doing this. I think it was a week ago, I was talking with  someone with Henry. And Henry was doing all this talking, he was excited about  something and he went on and on and on and on. And he barely gave space for  the other person to talk. I didn't even throw in a word because then you know,  we're not letting the visitor say something. And afterwards, I said something like  that. I said, you know, Henry, you have the basketball and you passed it. And  then you wanted it back and you were like, you know, controlling the whole 

thing. And, you know, he took it graciously. But then the next week, my wife and  I we had someone over there was interested in Bibles and truckers. And I was  so excited about whatever this guy was talking that I did the exact same thing. I  talked and talked and you know, the guy said a couple sentences the minute he  paused, I had 10 more things to say, because I had, you know I had all this stuff. And it rarely do you get a chance to talk to someone that's excited about what  you're excited about. And I just totally dominated everything. And my wife told  me after the person left. And I had to admit, you know, I did the very same thing  So it's very easy to do, especially when the conversation is about something you know a lot, and something you're really excited about. That's the time to relax, to sit back, the other person has to talk or you won't get a connection.  Communication killer is listening only for an opportunity to springboard into  talking. That was my father. He always asked you a question. So how's your  church going? And I never really got excited about answering his questions.  Because the minute I started talking, he would use that as a springboard to talk  about what he wanted to talk about. It didn't matter what I said. It was it was he  wanted to say things. And his question wasn't really a question. It was an  invitation to a topic so he could talk about it. You know, and he used to listen to  my sermon tapes. And he and he I remember after listening to you know, 40, 50  of them, he said, you know, the only way I learn things from you is to on a tape.  When I talk to you you don't really you know, you don't really say much. And I  want him to say Well, that's because you don't listen on the tape. You can't  interrupt. Listening only for an opportunity to springboard into talking.  Communication Killers speaking with a judgmental attitude I have a friend of  mine doesn't have a television. They're against television. You know, it's a bad  influence on the kids. But he has internet. He has Netflix. They have DVDs. But  in a conversation with someone, he's very quick to say, Oh, we don't have a  television. Hey, did you watch that game? No, we don't have a television. And  it's got this little judgmental attitude towards anybody who does have a  television. And you know, it's not even being honest. Because I know you watch. I mean, you have a different way that you watch them, but you're giving the  impression that you don't watch anything. It's got that judgmental, saying, I'm  doing something, I'm superior to you. If people get a hint of that, from you, that  you're judging them. The conversation will be over, no one is going to open up  about their life. Because if you're going to judge me on this, if I say something,  you're looking for things to judge me and I'm not, I'm not looking into that kills  the communication. No one's gonna say anything. Communication killers  speaking with a condescending attitude, this, this comes across when you act  like you know stuff, and they don't, well, you know, this is how it works. This is  how I think it works. Or I watched this documentary, and this is what I learned  from this, or I read this book, or I heard this person talk about this. In other  words, I am not all knowing I just read it or heard it from somebody else. And I'm

passing on to you what I heard. It might be right, it might not be right. I don't  know. See, I'm just throwing it as fodder for the conversation. I'm not saying this  is the way it is. If you come up strong, this is the way it is. That if someone  disagrees with you, they either have to battle you. Or they know what most  people do, they just step back again, not get involved in the conversation stops.  And you don't learn anything. And they don't learn anything. And no connection  is made. Communication, killers making your point as if you alone know the  truth, similar to the condensation or condescending attitude. making your point  is if you alone know the truth, a lot of people talk that way. Oh, this is what it is.  You know, I heard this thing on the news. And they have no idea what they're  talking about. And then they rant about what they believe. But they don't  proceed it by this is what I believe. They proceeded with this as the way it is.  This is truth. And it might be. Remember I've said in the past, truth is truth. And  what I've said or I don't say it or you say it or you don't say it truth is still true. But that doesn't mean we all have access to it or know the truth 100%. So I leave a  little space for you know, I could be wrong. I don't believe I am but I could be. I  take it by faith. I'll give you the reasons why I believe something. If you've got  better reasons to believe something else. I'm giving you space to say those  things. See, we have a conversation. Making your point with an attitude that  suggests that if anyone thinks different than you, they must be an idiot. That kills the conversation. You're an idiot, if you think different than the what I say. Who  wants to talk with the person like that? I mean, the only people that want to talk  with the person like that are the people who think exactly like that person. So  that's what they tend to attract people to think exactly like that. And they they  have no room for anyone that thinks differently. And they never grow. They  never learn. And they never convince anybody of anything. Communication  killers speaking from a self absorbed disposition, self absorbed, people are only  concerned with themselves. They don't know that they're only concerned with  themselves but everything they do everything they say revolves around them,  and how it affects them. They don't think about how someone else feels. So in a  conversation, they don't see what they're saying. And whether that's hurting  someone or that maybe someone might be Miss misinterpreting this thing that I  said or I said it too strongly. And now they're not saying anything. And it's  because I'm dominating here. See people that are concerned about other  people are wondering how what they say is taken. How what they say is  affecting someone. Is the really is relationship happening here? Am I too busy  like Teaching and now you're the students sitting in a little desk and I'm standing  up here high on the pulpit. Are we friends having a conversation? Are we  enjoying a conversation with one another? Are we learning from from one  another? Are we having a spirited debate about something, but we're leaving  anger out the door. Communication is about connection. We want to make  connections. Every person that you see every person that you meet, is a person

that's been made in the image of God. Every person that you meet is a person  that God seeks to reach with his love. He's appointed you and I to do it. So let's,  let's do away with the things that kill the conversation and engage in those  things that build up that get a conversation going, that gets people thinking and  ultimately gets people connected, so that they can hear the truth. Thanks for  listening. We'll see you again.