Reading: Becoming A Great Conversationalist (Video Slides)

Becoming A Great Conversationalist

Henry Reyenga

How To Talk To Anyone

Lowe, Sandra (2014-03-16). How To Talk To Anyone - The Ultimate Guide On How To Engage And Talk To Anyone You Meet (How To Talk To Anyone, How To Talk To People, Talk To Strangers, Talk To Anyone) (Kindle Locations 26-29). Kindle Edition. 

The Facts About Being A Conversationalist

No one is born a great conversationalist. Early in life, people learn to connect with others through verbal communication, but many factors start to affect the quality at which these communication skills are developed. These include internal factors such as having an inherently shy personality, as well as external factors such as having little exposure to people while they were still growing up, or maybe because they had negative past experiences when trying to talk with older people.

The Facts About Being A Conversationalist

Since being a great communicator is an acquired skill, inherent factors can be overpowered by means of continuous learning and skills refinement. 

All you need are the right tools that will help you acquire such skills, and the willingness to incorporate these skills in your daily life.

Accepting The Need For Change

In most cases, not getting through this crucial first step is the only reason why you are having difficulty connecting with people until now. Start by acknowledging the fact that you need to change some aspects of yourself. For example, if your reason for not engaging in conversations with people is that they do not interest you, it is possible that you are only rationalizing your fear of being judged negatively the moment you share a bit of yourself to them. It is therefore important to take time to acknowledge those factors you hold responsibility for, reflect over your actions, and decide to change them for the better.

Pinpointing Negative Habits And Behaviors

After acknowledging the need for change, you will need to identify specifically what negative habits and behaviors you have. In the next chapter, you will learn certain behaviors common to people who have difficulty with starting, sustaining and ending conversations. Identify carefully the behaviors that you have and know their extent.

Lowe, Sandra (2014-03-16). How To Talk To Anyone - The Ultimate Guide On How To Engage And Talk To Anyone You Meet (How To Talk To Anyone, How To Talk To People, Talk To Strangers, Talk To Anyone) (Kindle Locations 42-45).  . Kindle Edition. 

Identifying Positive Behaviors To Replace Old Ones

For each negative behavior you have, identify the opposite behavior that applies to them, and then turn them into your new objectives. Try to lay out a comprehensive guideline for yourself on how to maintain these new behaviors. In addition, always remind yourself to grab every opportunity for conversation so that you can test out these new behaviors.

Lowe, Sandra (2014-03-16). How To Talk To Anyone - The Ultimate

Incorporating Positive Behaviors In Your Daily Life

At first, it may be difficult for you to act out your new behaviors simply because they are something you are not accustomed to doing, but just keep at it until you feel comfortable. Do not expect to be successful instantly, as you may undergo several trial-and-error instances before you can eventually consider them as your normal behavior. All you need is the determination to push through your goals, and with that, you will surely reap the fruits of your hard work at the end of the day.

Lowe, Sandra (2014-03-16). How To Talk To Anyone - The Ultimate

Lack Of Self-Confidence

This is perhaps the most common reason why people do not want to engage in conversations. Shy people may consider the fear of rejection or criticism as the main reason why they avoid being with a group. However, the jolly and outgoing ones actually do experience the same fear at some point or another. The difference lies on how they handle their fear. (1)

Lack Of Self-Confidence

Optimistic and assertive people learn to control their fears by practicing their conversation skills, even though it means going through trial and error. A good way to handle this is to accept the fact that it is only human to make mistakes. Everyone gets a fair share of committing errors in conversations, and those who seem to be very good conversationalists have gone through a long way achieving what they have now. (2)

Lowe, Sandra (2014-03-16). How To Talk To Anyone - The Ultimate

Lack Of Self-Confidence

Accept that you will not connect with everyone,

so...Bring what you have to the table.

Lack Of Interest In People

However, if done quite often as necessary, you have to put a conscious effort to go out and mingle with people, to find something interesting in them so that your warmth and friendliness will naturally come out. The oft-quotes saying, "No man is an island” plays a big role in this situation. Just think of that rewarding feeling when you once shared your happiness with other people. Think of that comforting feeling at one point in your life, when people helped you strive along the rough waters when some storm hit you.

Lack Of Knowledge

To address this, you have to be knowledgeable about various fields such as current events, sports, history, music, arts, culture, etc. Aim at reading one book a month (or more) and choose your books from a variety of topics and genre. Learning things that do not interest you is a good way to start this.

Start A Conversation

When trying to initiate a conversation, some people mull over their opening line for so long that they end up overthinking and mess up their delivery. Eventually they run out of guts to start a conversation. One general principle to consider is that your opening is not extremely important - what matters is what you say afterwards. Right from the start, you just have to deliver your message in a friendly and self-assured manner. Talk to them as if you are old friends. Do not be too restrained or courteous so the other person will feel at ease talking to you.

How To Join A Conversation 

Breaking in to an ongoing conversation needs a slightly different approach than initiating one. First thing to consider is the openness or closeness of a group for new participants. Some groups may be warm to anyone who wants to join, while others are composed of close friends exclusively discussing a subject.

How To Join A Conversation 

One common entrance strategy is to try listening to bits of conversation, and contribute when it is appropriate. Sometimes, this entails physically joining or sitting down with a group of people talking, or it may be done by just being near them enough so you can jump in and start talking when chances arise. Just make sure to wait for a small pause before interjecting, so you do not blatantly cut off others who are talking.

How To Join A Conversation 

It is usually appropriate to join in by introducing yourself at once ("Hey everyone, how's it going? I'm Tony"). However, this could refocus the discussion to you and will require another round of getting-to-know-you questions. If it seems inappropriate to cause such kind of interruption, you can introduce yourself and immediately return them back to track by saying something like, "So anyway, what were you guys talking about?”

Lowe, Sandra (2014-03-16). How To Talk To Anyone - The Ultimate

How To Join A Conversation 

Another way is to start talking to someone on a group's periphery who seems to have loosened up interest with the group's discussion. Start initiating a one-on-one chat and use this as a means to eventually talk to the rest of the group.

 Another method similar to this is starting a chat with someone who leaves the group for a while.  Talk to him while he is alone and go with him as he rejoins his friends afterwards.

Sustaining A Conversation

So you are in the conversation. Now you need to keep it going.

Stick to open-ended questions.

Make sure to listen.

Know what the other person wants to talk about. 

Sticking To Open-Ended Questions

You may need to ask a follow-up question or another open-ended question on a different topic. Remember that a yes/ no question is a chat killer, because it often is an easy way out after they responded to you. So instead of asking "You attended McKinley High in 2005, right?" try asking, "How was it like studying in McKinley High in 2005?" The latter question necessitates them to expound their answer and not simply give you 'yes' or 'no' as an answer.

Listening

Too often, when people meet someone new, they are inclined to talk about themselves too much as an attempt to fill in dead moments. Though someone has to start a conversation, you should not be too conscious about what to say next because you lose a crucial element in establishing a two-way conversation: listening.

Lowe, Sandra (2014-03-16). How To Talk To Anyone - The Ultimate

Knowing What The Other Person Wants To Talk About

Different people have different interests. Finding out what the other person enjoys talking about could help steer your conversation. Generally, people like to talk about themselves, their passions or hobbies, their career, or their family and friends. A simple question about these topics could make them chatter for quite a while. 

Lowe, Sandra (2014-03-16). How To Talk To Anyone - The Ultimate

Mind Your Body Language

Your body language is a powerful aspect of your overall impact as a conversationalist. People do not only listen to your verbal output but your nonverbal language as well.

Lowe, Sandra (2014-03-16). How To Talk To Anyone - The Ultimate

Remember These Body Language Basics

Do not cross your arms or legs. It gives an impression that you cannot be trusted or that you are not open to different point of views or opinions. It may also indicate that you are not comfortable with your body.       

Maintain good eye contact but do not stare.   -              Keep your body, especially your shoulders, relaxed. Tension in the shoulders could easily be spotted, which can make the other person feel uneasy. Nod frequently and lean forward. Nodding indicates that you are keeping along, whereas, leaning forward tells of your interest.

Be Aware Of Current Events

Current events are always helpful to spark up a conversation especially at moments when you are running out of things to talk about. Saying something like "Hey, did you hear the latest news between Ukraine and Russia? It seems that...” to start another opportunity for a lively dialogue and additional knowledge.

Defuse A Moment Of Awkwardness

There would really be instances that you will hit bumps in the road of conversation. So instead of making moments of silence a chance for either of you to feel awkward, look the other person in the eyes, smile and reassure them that the silence means you have not lost interest with the conversation and with them. Comment on the silence jokingly.

Not Fearing Deep Conversations

Although it may be difficult for some people to pull it off, many take pleasure in bringing their discussion a little bit deeper after they have gotten past the formalities. Do not be afraid to go deep down with a sharp question if you sense that the other person likes more than superficial talk as well.

Being Genuinely Enthusiastic

Do not fake attention because it causes a delay in your reaction. The other person will eventually get the hint that you are not engaged in the conversation after sensing a lag in your response. Do not communicate only to inform but to tell stories. Make a conscious effort to spark up the emotion and imagination of the people listening to you. They can vividly describe a situation and create an atmosphere of excitement, fear, sadness, or any emotion as appropriate for the content of their message.

Tips On Ending A Conversation

However, others could have actually lost their chatty mood and would just like to keep the conversation short. Whatever the reason is, it is important to end a conversation politely and still in a friendly tone. Your response also depends on the context of the situation and the depth of your relationship with these people.

Ending With A Positive Comment

The first and most common strategy is dropping a positive comment before letting go of a chat. With that, you entirely negate the possible feelings of inadequacy of the person with whom you are talking. For example, you can say something like, "Hey, Ryan, I really enjoyed our conversation,” or "Hey James, I'm glad we talked, thanks for giving me some fascinating ideas to think about.”

Wrapping Up The Discussion

The next strategy is reviewing or laying out a summary of the main themes you have just discussed. In this way, you can reassure the other person that you were genuinely engaged in the conversation and you have come up with a successful and complete exchange of ideas. Sometimes people add a plan after stating the summary.

Giving An Excuse

This does not mean your conversation partner annoys you or bores you, but simply because other matters demand your attention. You can say something like, "Hey, I think I need to get back to work already; Gotta beat a pressing deadline,” or "I need to go now, I am late for my next appointment.” 

Take note that when giving an excuse, support it with a reason. In this way, you are being more polite and finish off with an overall feeling of a delight.