Video Transcript: Creating Respectful Conversations about Sex

You might think it's easy for you to talk about sex, you've been doing this for years. I want to  share with you just how difficult it was for me in the beginning, when I first started teaching, I  was terrified. Like, I was so terrified. That even was probably my fifth set of classes. A friend  of mine told me in the class she says, You must feel called to this, because you look so  

miserable. My lips, literally trembling, because I was really nervous, just speaking in public.  And so yeah, this is not an easy thing to do. But I think that, me having the courage to do  what God called me, was something that created more and more faith in God, and helped me  to talk to him more. So want to talk to you a little bit about how to create respectful  conversations and how to teach about sex. So first thing I'm gonna share is a couple of the  verses that I held on to a lot and still hang on to but especially when I first started teaching  about sex. The first one is I Corinthians 2:3-4. And Paul says, I came to you and weakness  with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching, were not with wise and  persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not  rest on human wisdom, but on God's power. You know, I think it's important for us to realize  that we won't do everything perfectly, we want situations we don't handle like we should, and  that God can work even through those situations. And then he can God, God can speak into  those situations. I remember the first couple of sessions that I taught it, I feel like I hardly said  anything, because I was so nervous. And yet women got so much from their class, and I have no doubt that, that God was speaking to them. And so don't be afraid. Because you think  you're gonna say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing. We've got to trust God to fill in, fill in  the gaps. The other verse I want to share attempts from II Corinthians 12:9-10. Paul, again,  he says, But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in  weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's  power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses in insults, and  hardships and persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Maybe one  of the most important things we do is, like I said before, to not act, like we have all the  answers. We don't have the answers for everybody's situation. And, and having humility about what we do. So I want to share some very practical ideas about creating respectful  conversations and teaching about sex. So the first one is to stay in your circle. And what I  mean by this, my husband and I teach, we help with a marriage ministry called me engage  and one of the foundational principle is to draw circle around yourself. And then talk about  everybody inside the circle. And the only person inside the circle is obviously you. And so we  want to make sure that we're talking about ourselves, but we also want to encourage groups  of people in our groups to focus on themselves, they can't change their spouse. They can  only change themselves. And so when I teach the women's class, I always tell them, like, this  class is not for your husband. This class is for you. God wants you to be whole God wants  you to understand and embrace God's design for sex he wants you to experience his  extravagant pleasure in sex. And so I'm always trying to shift the focus away from their, with  their spouse, to what they can do, ever. What they can do different and and don't ever take  sides. There are no If. So, this, this, this concept of staying in your circle, I think is just a very  simple concise way to help you remember to pull people back into the circle, or even if you  can teach it to them that way. The second thing that can be really helpful is to realize that  most conversations about sex can be depersonalized. So you don't need to share specific  details about you and your spouse, you might say something like, yeah, most women tend to  blah, blah, blah, or Yeah, many women have trouble having an orgasm, or, um, and so to  generalize, makes it depersonalized. And you can communicate empathy. Or you could say  something like a lot of us have trouble with, and so talk in terms of general categories, like  men, women, or a lot of us. The third thing is to educate, not prescribe. When we're talking  about God's design for sex, or when we're talking about the nuts and bolts of how to create 

great sex with your spouse, physical details. Every single person is completely unique. And  God created them that way. We come with different baggage, we come with different  insecurities, even to the different physical bodies. And so what what works for one person  may not work for the other person. Our job is not to prescribe our to even convince them, but  to educate and to present, and let them discern what's right for them. We need to be really  careful about giving people you should. Even, you know, let me give you an example of where this might make sense to you. So it's not unusual for women to fantasize during sex, it's, it's  actually suggested in a lot of sex books in order to help them create enough arousal to have  an orgasm. So I think a lot of women wonder, like, Is this okay? Is this within God's design for  sex? And I do think that, like God created sex to get to know each other. And so we can  present the idea, like God wants you to know each other. So are you there during the sex? Or is your mind thinking about something else? Are you present? Can you create a sex life that is enjoyable enough that you don't need to think about other things. For a lot of women, this  might be a journey. And so I'm not going to tell them, You need to stop doing that. What I'm  going to do is help them understand a direction that, that God wants them to move that is  attractive, because it creates more intimacy. And so we want to make sure we educate and  not prescribe. The next thing is, I think personal stories can be really impactful. But I think we  need to be careful to limit them until just what's helpful. I don't think anybody should be able to visualize what you do in your marriage bed, and in vivid memory, or in vivid detail. I do think  personal stories can be impactful. And so you need to think about, like, does this have a  purpose? Is this going to be helpful is sharing in a way where we're filtering everything  through God and what He wants for us and placed on us. The next thing is, especially when  you're talking about physical aspects of sex, you probably want to avoid speaking in the first  person, right? You don't want to tell a story where somebody can visualize you and your  husband, don't think say things like, the other night I was. Okay. You've been talking about  sometimes it's helpful to do this, or some women do this. But don't take them into that first  person where they can actually visualize. The last idea and I don't have this on your list but I  think is really helpful is to use a resource in order to open up conversations. So for instance,  awaken love classes or a book that you really liked about Seth can put you on this neutral  platform where it's not necessarily new teaching about your personal experiences. But, but  you're learning through this resource and then and then discussing it and it's creating  conversation. And it kind of takes you off the hook as far as having to share so much detail  about your own marriage. We have awakened love classes for wives that are on video, we  have a week long classes for men that are on video. There's also an awakened love class for  engaged couples. And they provide discussion questions throughout the class that create  conversation. And, and I've had women teach the classes that have never even taken a class  and received feedback that they had amazing classes where women really opened up there  was a lot of healing, amazing transformation. And so it doesn't take an expert at all it takes  somebody that's willing to open up the conversation and create a safe space for people will  be real, and to grow and to learn about God. So, just some ideas on how to create respectful  conversations and teach about sex.